Breathing

I made another trip to DC last weekend and it was amazing! This time I took my kids with me to check out the museums. We didn't stay with J because I didn't think it was appropriate for them to see their mama in bed with a man they didn't know. Especially since Miss Beasley is old enough to pick up on stuff like that. Our first day there we rode the Metro into the city. Now if you know me well, you know I have a fear of public transportation. I always imagine getting mugged or making it rain on a homeless person because I am a panhandlers dream. I love people, sue me. I was also afraid of getting lost with two kids in the city. So to say this was a big deal is putting it lightly. We got on the Blue line and rode the entire way to the Smithsonian. I was afraid for no reason. I didn't get mugged and the train was filled with people from all walks of life. I am a people watcher so it was interesting to see the couples, families, and students come on and off the train. The children had a blast at the museums and I got a lesson on eating before getting there. We were all hungry about two hours in and my daughter wanted to eat in the Smithsonian. This is where shit went left. Y'all I paid 22 dollars for two hot dogs, two bags of chips and three sodas. They didn't even kiss me. We were full but I was mad about that 22 dollars...Miss Beasley owes me when she gets her first job.

The next day we went to the outlets and met up with J. I remember waiting outside of Spa'riffick while waiting for Miss Beasley, scanning the crowd for J. When I spotted him, my heart lit up like I was 18 years old. Our eyes met and we hugged and said our hellos. Even though it had only been a few weeks my body just tingled from feeling that new but familiar embrace. We walked around the mall with the kids joking, and talking about hip hop. The kids seemed to like him and that was a good thing. We said our goodbyes in the parking lot. We hugged and exchanged a few warm innocent kisses. I like him y'all :)

While I was there, I also got to see my God Brother who I'd never met. We talked on the phone a few days prior and it was like we had known each other all our lives. We talked about our dreams, fears, and things that have happened to us in the last three decades. It was even more amazing to meet him in person. It felt like we have the same energy, some things he'll never have to explain because I already know, if that makes sense. We bonded over a delicious breakfast made by my God mother. I will certainly make it a point to see him anytime I'm in town.

I'm still studying for my CCNA and the material is sticking in my head now. Every time I want to quit I start visualizing and I get back to business. It grind time, so laziness and procrastination can't live here!

There's a Hole in Your Bucket

There is one caveat in starting something new with someone after riding the heartbreak train for a decade. You become fragile and paranoid. J has been a little quiet, but I know why and that's fine. Remember that anxiety I posted about earlier? It's back. Somehow it found its way into my happiness and whispered, "You're not worthy enough" "He's gonna do you just like ______." I am going to have to find a way to shake those thoughts because they are in the way!

In other news I FINALLY understand the networking material!!!! You all do not know how many times I read that stuff over and over trying to understand and last night it just clicked. It was an amazing feeling and it gave that push to keep going. It made me excited because this could put me in another lane financially. So I have now started dedicating all my free time to studying.....I need this CCNA cert so bad I might cry (no Ghostfaced lol). xoxoxox

Comfort and Honesty

Today I freed myself and chopped off all my relaxed hair. It left me with about an inch of beautiful hair all the way around. Can I tell you all how liberating it was to take a shower tonight sans shower cap? This is not my first time on the natural wagon. In 2006 I did a big chop and in two years time I had a beautiful Afro. I made the horrible decision to relax my hair. I became chained to relaxers until I recently started working out and figured it would be easier with natural hair. I must also state I was influenced by all the gorgeous natural hair I see every Saturday at BGR.

I have to share the shenanigans that I participated in this weekend. If you have seen me on Facebook you saw I was sporting some wet and wavy action. That was a half wig I had since my hair was too short for a sew-in. Since I was going out of town to see J I was nervous. What is sexy about pulling off your hair at the end of the night? You might when you've been together for a minute. What we have is kinda new so I did not want to pull a "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka". So I kept the wig on. All. Weekend. It was so oppressive. So today while we were talking I came clean and told him about the wig. Turns out he likes my short hair. I could tell because the wig seemed like it was in the damn way during cuddle time. It was nice to be honest and even better to not be judged.

I am starting to lose steam in my quest for my CCNA cert. I have so many outside stuff going that I feel like I'm not catching on. So Monday night I made a dream board. I cut out pictures of what I dreamed my life would be like. There's pictures of a married couple in front of a huge home, a beach in Costa Rica, and much more. I have to do this. I know if I just do what needs to be done everything else will fall into place. This is not the time to fall off...victory is in reach and Miss Page is claiming it!

Speaking of studying, time to get back to it! xoxoxo

2008 and Heartbreak

A lot of people who have not known me long, always ask me what happened in 2008 that was so major. What should have been major would have been me marrying a man I'll call the Good Reverend Doctor. Rev was a young man I met at church. He was our pianist and choir director and boy, could he SANG! He preached just as well too. He was a gentleman and he treated me like gold. We got engaged and planned for an April 2008 wedding. We planned one of the biggest weddings ever. There was a 24 person wedding party, just big. Long story short, in March 2008, Rev sat me down and told me that not only did he not want to get married anymore, he didn't want a relationship neither. Words cannot express what I felt that day. Over the next seven months I spun into a horrible depression that included three failed suicide attempts. I remember the first attempt I took 15 xanax (I googled how many it would take) and I remember wanting to cry when I woke up the next morning. I kept wondering why I was not successful in my attempts. I now know why. God had something greater for me that I couldn't even imagine. One year later I gave birth to the baby we all know as Chunky. Just imagine if I was successful in my attempts.....Chunky would not be here. I remember the night after Chunky was born I remember looking into at his little serious face and thanking God I was alive for this moment. Every milestone that passes for both of my children I'm just happy to be there. So after that year of heartbreak I vowed that I would NEVER sit silent on the issue of suicide. I don't care if people thinks it's a depressing subject, that shit is real. I never in a million years thought I would ever be in a space where I would consider taking my own life but I was and if I can help one person realize that the sun REALLY will come out tomorrow, then I'll be happy. So, I can never be angry with Rev. If that day in March never happened, I would have never met the ex-husband and I would have never had Chunky.

So today was Valentines day! Last year I had not nary a valentine and this year.....I do, I do, I do, I do! Since I saw J over the weekend that is when we celebrated, but we still talked today and I am not gonna lie, that man makes Miss Page happy. A happy I haven't felt in minute. With J I know that I am enough. He's not trying to "fix" me and I am not trying to "fix" him. All the things that make him who he is, I adore. Him going running with me on Saturday meant a lot to me because most men I have dated have not taken the time to get to know me. Sure they would hear me but they weren't listening. I feel like J listens.

Well now that I have spilled all the tea, I'm going to indulge in the ratchetness that is Lenethia and Marlo. xoxoxox

Honest Mistake

I wasn't going to blog about Whitney Houston's death, but after seeing some ignorant mess on my FB news feed I felt I had to. We all have something that we are struggling with. What we knew about Nippy is she struggled with drug addiction. I am almost certain that the drug addiction was a result of something that we all couldn't see that she struggled with. There are numerous things I struggle with on a day to day basis. There are memories I wish I didn't have, sights burned in my psyche forever. There was a time too, when I turned to outside things to help numb the pain from those memories. What is fortunate in my case is I have a strong support system that didn't judge me when I took time to lay on a strangers couch to work through my issues. Did it fix everything? No, but it gave me to tools to cope when those memories showed up to haunt me. They said she died from too much xanax. I don't believe she intended for that to happen. When you conquer those horrible memories, there is always a fear that they will come back. I can't tell you how many times I have been scared that I would go back emotionally to that day in March 2008. The mere thought of it sometimes causes me anxiety so great I have to grab an Ativan(anti anxiety medication). There have been even more times where yes, I'll take two because I want that memory gone. My point is Nippy was probably feeling the same. You are at the grammys, you've been written off as a crackhead, there's stories in the paper about you etc. She was headed to a party probably feeling anxiety and took one too many. It happens. Tragically, it happened to her. I am sad that she's gone, but I know what it is like to live in emotional turmoil, and I am glad that she is in place where bad memories cannot stay. RIP Miss Houston........may you study war no more.

Things I Learned This Weekend

• Don't try to blog via cell phone when you have had three glasses of ciroc red berry and are full of giddy, school girl excitement. It's just a bad look. I woke up the next morning horrified at the flowery run on sentence I posted lol.
• Dominoes is the shit! J taught me how to play, and I love it! It's a game of strategy and I love games like that. When I got home, I went to wal-mart and bought some dominoes to play with Miss Beasley. It seems like something she would like too.
• I have officially became better with my money. While J and I were shopping I was tempted to buy a pair of True Religon jeans and after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that jeans are jeans and I did not need those jeans
• Peruvian chicken is crack. Before I tried it I couldn't understand the hoopla, but i understand now.....so juicy and flavorful! They need one of those places here!
• As much as I bemoan my babies, I start to miss them when we are apart. This morning I woke up and began to miss Chunk's little voice and Miss Beasley's hugs.
• Ciroc Red Berry will get away from you......if you let it!

I had a really good time with J and I'm interested to see what else is in store.....it was good to experience a good time, but Miss Page has some big things happening in the next couple of months that will be emotionally taxing, but I am fighting that being responsible and organized. xoxoxoxo

Inhale, Exahale

My mini vacay has begun and it started off on the rough side of the mountain. I left work at 4:20, and I didn't get to J until 9:00. It only was supposed to take that long. I spent two hours sitting in the tunnel. I hate traffic..with a passion. It was certainly a test of my patience.

When I got to J's it was like we never missed a beat. He took me to experience my first taste of Peruvian chicken. It was delicious!!!! I really fell in love with the rice and yellow sauce! For the rest of the night we talked and made jokes....the rest of the night.....was everything...and I'll leave it at that...we went running this morning and he made me breakfast tacos this morning.....it was everything!

Well I'm off to do a little shopping while I'm here and hopefully get my
history fix in! xoxoxo!

The Bitter and the Sweet

Things are progressing at a wonderful pace with J. Not too fast, not too slow. Like Baby Bear's chair it's just right. He keeps me smiling and he's attentive and the affection and interest is reciprocal. I was planning my trip this weekend with a complete list of everything we were going to do. Guess what? We are burning the itinerary. Miss Page is going to enjoys the feeling of a man planning date for her. I am learning to let go of my fears of things not being perfect and learning spontaneity and how to have fun with out an agenda. I trust his planning abilities and I know I will not end up spending the weekend eating hot wings while watching him play PlayStation. This feels good.

I got my IUD today and it wasn't bad AT ALL! I was nervous like a hoe in church when I was sitting on that table. Everything went great, and the worst of the pain was a mild cramping that last for all of 30 minutes. What was really dope was when the nurse gave me a card stating I would be protected from pregnancy until 2/2022. Man by that time Miss Beasley will be in college and Chunk will be in middle school. The only way this sucker is getting removed is if I get married to a real deal husband and we are BOTH financially secure to take care of another child.

In the world of divorce, I signed off on the complaint and when I did that, I knew them former in-laws of mine would come calling. I opened by facebook inbox today my former brother in law messaged me about what a bad person I am for "keeping Chunk from his father." I am not keeping Chunk away from him, his father stays away because he has a warrant for failure to pay and he's trying not to get caught. I didn't entertain the ignorance flowing out of his mouth and kept it moving. I am happy to be away from the drama that is that family, but the whole exchange left me real mad, real mad, Joe Jackson. I headed off to the Y after work and banged out 1.5 miles on the treadmill and weight trained for 15 minutes. Problem solved. I shook off my frustration and went back to the business of my life.

Well my CCNA study guide is calling my name so I better get on it.......xoxoxoxo

Google Me

Today I learned the dark side of having too much information. Anyone who knows me, knows I do thorough research before I do anything. Well, I am getting an IUD on Wednesday and after researching the Para Gard for a minimum of 100 hours, I had to tackle the installation process. I typed in "IUD insertion" and initially I recieved some awesome info and tips on how to make it less painful. But I wasn't satistfied. I headed over to youtube where I type in the same phrase. This is where shit went left. I clicked on a video which opened with a live image of a cervix on the screen. I always wondered what my cervix looked like and today I got an answer. What I saw next caused my soul to try to leave my body. This poor cervix was first opened by a small woodedn popsicle stick, then some creepy thing with teeth on each side held it open. If that wasnt enough, then a thin metal rod was placed, that held the IUD and then slid back out. There were strings hanging and then those got cut and finally a small trickle of blood. See, y'all? I almost died watching this! I'm scared as hell now. I'm going on my lunch break for the insertion and I pray I can finish off my work day. The lesson: too much information can be bad for you.

I went to work out this afternoon and discovered all the treadmills were in use. I was crushed. I had my whole workout planned and I didn't know what to do. I ran into the first lady from the church I was a member of and she started talking me into joing her at the Zumba class that was starting in ten minutes. I reluctantly agreed, because I have gotten set in my ways about my workout. Once I was five minutes into it, I realized Zumba is my new everything! It was high energy and I felt so sexy swayin my hips to the merengue that played every few routines. Plus I was covered in sweat to that made feel even better. I am learning a lot of lessons this year about stepping out of my comfort zone. I am missing opportunities because I am too busy trying to "stick to the script." It's time to shake off my fears and startbliving!

Randoms.....

Today was a good day! I got a good run in this morning and it was good. I am looking forward to my pre-superbowl run tomorrow.

I have a confession to make: I now have a weave. For those that don't know I have been rocking a cute relaxed short cut for about a year now. As I have begun my quest to fitness, I am coming to realize that relaxed short hair is not going to work with a four day workout schedule. My ultimate goal is to return to my natural roots, but for now I needed a good cover up style. It's cute as all get out, a nice loose wave and it makes me feel kinda sexy. The only thing that made me a little afraid is that other would read me getting a weave is a sign that I am anti-short hair. I love my short hair but right now, running around looking like an Eddie Cane hybrid after a workout. Combine that with it being a chore to do my hair three evenings a week it's just too much. I almost feel like I should have a sign around my neck stating the aformentioned.......who knew hair could cause such angst?

I have a ton of studying to do, and this rain is not helping me stay awake......nite nite!

Find Some Damn Business!

I think that special time of the month is approaching, because I turned into an angry woman/Scott Mescudi hybrid. J is going out of town again and my imagination just ran away with itself. I started thinking of him meeting some stylish childfree woman and kicking me to the curb. This insecurity haunted me all day, and then when I was on my monster workout, I remember my sister telling me the phrase, "I am enough." I am a good woman, I'm smart, funny, well spoken, personable, and easy going. What you see is what you get. Yup, I'm a single mother, trying to better herself and live my dreams. If J is into the things that make me, me then no skinny,childless model will stand in the way of that. All that aside I am excited to see him and we have some amazing plans. I'm more excited about having our classic conversations but this time in person.

I am studying for my CCNA cert and it seems like I am picking up on the material really well, I forgot for a minute how smart I am. Every time I feel like slacking, I close my eyes and think of me living the life I want. My children are happy and we aren't worried about money, full refrigerators and the finest of everything. There is no success without sacrifice.

Working out is my new hobby. I ran last week and around the .25 mile make something happened: Bone Crusher's "Never Scared" came on and I just started kicking ass. I picked up the pace and I just felt my chest open up. All the frustrationf the last 4 years just floated away. I ran from everything that tried to hurt me: Rev dumping me, that adulterous relationship, my hell of a marriage, all my insecurities. It felt soooooo good. Better than my very first orgasm. Since that day I have been on mission trying to catch that feeling. Running has also been a great outlet to relieve my anxiety. I am loving this new addition in my life.

I have so much to do this upcoming week. I have school plays, workouts and a trip to pack for. Here's to a kickass next week! xoxoxo