The Bitter and the Sweet

Things are progressing at a wonderful pace with J. Not too fast, not too slow. Like Baby Bear's chair it's just right. He keeps me smiling and he's attentive and the affection and interest is reciprocal. I was planning my trip this weekend with a complete list of everything we were going to do. Guess what? We are burning the itinerary. Miss Page is going to enjoys the feeling of a man planning date for her. I am learning to let go of my fears of things not being perfect and learning spontaneity and how to have fun with out an agenda. I trust his planning abilities and I know I will not end up spending the weekend eating hot wings while watching him play PlayStation. This feels good.

I got my IUD today and it wasn't bad AT ALL! I was nervous like a hoe in church when I was sitting on that table. Everything went great, and the worst of the pain was a mild cramping that last for all of 30 minutes. What was really dope was when the nurse gave me a card stating I would be protected from pregnancy until 2/2022. Man by that time Miss Beasley will be in college and Chunk will be in middle school. The only way this sucker is getting removed is if I get married to a real deal husband and we are BOTH financially secure to take care of another child.

In the world of divorce, I signed off on the complaint and when I did that, I knew them former in-laws of mine would come calling. I opened by facebook inbox today my former brother in law messaged me about what a bad person I am for "keeping Chunk from his father." I am not keeping Chunk away from him, his father stays away because he has a warrant for failure to pay and he's trying not to get caught. I didn't entertain the ignorance flowing out of his mouth and kept it moving. I am happy to be away from the drama that is that family, but the whole exchange left me real mad, real mad, Joe Jackson. I headed off to the Y after work and banged out 1.5 miles on the treadmill and weight trained for 15 minutes. Problem solved. I shook off my frustration and went back to the business of my life.

Well my CCNA study guide is calling my name so I better get on it.......xoxoxoxo

Mind of a Child

This morning I got hit in the head with a very interesting question from Miss Beasley. We were eating breakfast and out of the blue, she asked me, "Do you like daddy?" That was a really loaded question. Sure, the police don't have to be called every time we get together, but I think the word "like" is a stretch for him and I. Back in the day I used to luuuuurrrvve my daughters father. He was my sun, moon and stars. I had a huge crush on him all through high school and we started dating when I was 21 years old. One year later, I gave birth to Miss Beasley, and this is where shit went left. I took to being a mother like a fish to water, he on the other hand struggled in his new role as a father. I never doubted that he loved Miss Beasley, I think all the responsibility of being a father was a lot for him and he didn't know how to deal with it. Long story short, we grew to be different people. Our breakup wasn't too messy, but when it came to the issue of child support that is when it got ugly. He was angry I filed and he thought he was paying too much. This lead to him having to move back in with his parents and bad feelings were created all around. Which brings us to today. Miss Beasley's father and I don't speak at all, not so much as a hello. He comes in the morning to take Gabby to school he doesn't say a word and hell either do I. How did I answer Miss Beasley's question? I used gentle honesty. I told her me and her dad aren't BFF's, but we don't hate each other. That answer seemed to satisfy her, and on her way she went. It got me thinking about how far he and I have come in the last 10 years. He and I were a team, and we pushed each other to be the best that we could be. There are times while navigating the dating world, I miss the cohesiveness that me and her father used to share. That kind of quality in a relationship has been VERY hard for me to find. Am I posed to fall on my sword and go back to Miss Beasley's dad? No. We aren't even the same two people that fell in love that cool fall afternoon in 2001. It's just very surprising how far two people who were so close have drifted so far.

I got a new job ya'll!!!!! It's a lot more money and a lot more responisiblity. I am getting the opportunity to return to the healthcare field, and I'm loving it. You know what I am really excited about? Wearing scrubs again to work. It's like wearing pajamas to work everyday. I am going to buy some new ones since the ones I had previously do not fit since it's been 3 years and a one pregnancy ago.

Dating, dating, dating dating....ugh. I think I am going to take a break. I feel like I am at TJ Maxx looking through the racks and nothing looks appealing to me. It's break time. I have spent an inordinate amount of time looking for Mr. Right and I would like to tell him, he is gonna have to find me, lol. My divorce is 2 weeks from being final and I don't want to hop back in the same situation of getting into a relationship or married to someone who is not right for me. Being alone sucks sometimes, but being tied to the wrong person sucks even more.

Randoms

With school for me and Miss Beasley starting back up, I have not had the time to blog. Can I also mention I really miss my laptop and I need to get off the dime and go get it fixed? Ok, so bringing you up to speed:


Opportunity Knocking

So we all know I am on the hunt for something bigger and better for my career, and there has been a straight up dry spell. Well, it appears it is over. I have gotten 4 different job offers at VERY good companies doing something that will grow my bank account. I feel like Lebron without that bad hairline. I don't know where I am taking my talents but wherever it is there has to be the potential for growth.

Dating...ugh

Messy. It is almost cuffing season and I am without an individual to cuff. I get a little pain in my heart (lol) when I think about it, but then I read the events of last year's cuffing season and my soul says, "no thank you." With that being said, I am less focused on being boo'd up this winter and more on my kids and this schoolwork.

School Days

I am back in school, earning that Enviromental Health degree. I was all gung-ho until I saw the plethora of science I am going to have to take. IT was much easier to manuver through. I like a challenge so this will be good for me.

Don't Leave While Your'e Hot

I don't think I ever blogged about him, but back after me and the Good Reverand Doctor split up I began seeing this man who we will call Nunyah. He is 50% of the reason the theme of 2008 was simply "2008 and Heartbreaks". Long story short, he was dating me, got married, was still pursuing me, and then finally he moved to a far off land for a short period of time. Through all this is ass is still contacting me. Of course he is singing the same old song "I shoulda married you...I hate this shit". Try it again queen.

New Obsession

I have never been one for DIY maniures. Lately I figured I should put that Paul Mitchell education to use and I have been doing my own manicures. Now that I know how to CORRECTLY polish my nails, I have been buying nail polish like a maniac. It is apart of the budget, that is how deep it goes. I like that I can change my nail polish to reflect my mood for the day or the evening.


Juvenile and Domestic Relations Hell

Back for the third time in three months. This time the defendant was El Douchebag. Guess what y'all? He didn't show up. When I FINALLY got a hold of him (by blocking my number on my house phone), he acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about, and I politely informed him he is now a fugitive of the law since they issued a warrant. He starts rambling about he got a job now and is going to be paying regularly, and I just replied, "Paying doesn't get rid of the warrant...you need to turn yourself in and then let the judge know your intentions." I bet my whole paycheck he won't do any of that. He is messy like that. But you know what y'all? In four weeks.....I'll be free, and that makes it all worthwhile!

Five Steps

I looked at my calender this evening and realized that I have a whopping five more weeks until I can file for divorce. I never thought this day would come. As "fun" as it was being married to El Douchebag, I have to say I am happy to be able to close that chapter in my life. Don't get me wrong we had some good times together and the best thing to come from our marriage was our son. The truth of the matter is E.D. ( I can't keep typing that) liked the idea of being married, but he didn't know what it took to be a husband. He hadn't mastered providing and protecting his family. If I had a dime for every time he left us flapping in the wind I would be a millionaire right now. I am not without fault, I should have known better. I married E.D. because I was feeling so much heartbreak from being jilted at the alter by The Good Reverend Doctor. I wish I knew then that my heart would heal and I would get past that. But I didn't. I settled for the first thing that winked at me because after suffering that type of public humiliation I wanted people to see that I was still worth marrying. Long story short, it blew up in my face.

What I am focused on now is rebuilding my life. The first step is learning how to date. I will admit I don't know how. I meet a man, like him, and start picturing forever. That is no way to live. That leads to settling. Does anyone have any advice? I am completely lost at that subject. The second step is getting to where I need to be in life. For the last 10 years I have had a bunch of dreams, but now it is time to turn these into goals. My first goal is to rid myself of any manner of public assistance I am on by the time I am 31 (November). I have already chunked the deuces to SNAP and I am kicking Child care assistance out the door too. I have been doing this for over a year and it is time I learned to stand on my own to. My fight is gone. There was a time when I would grind hard to get what I want but it seems like I have just laid down and took a break. Second order of business is to find a CAREER. I have had a string of jobs but I want a career. I am not getting any older and I don't want to be working while I am in my 70's because I never had a stable job that allowed me to save for retirement. I am just tired of the way that I am living and I left E.D. so I could pursue my life free of the drama that he brought and it's time for my pity party to cease and I need to get on with living my best life!

Good Night Irene

The title of this blog and the subject matter have nothing to do with each other, I just wanted to say that lol.

Grow the Hell Up

I talked to my ex-husband today. We spoke on the matter of him not paying child support. I discovered two little nuggets of information. 1) He has been working all this time and STILL wasn't paying. Who does that? You know I was mad as hell 2) He got fired from that job for......fighting. Yes, you read that right. Fighting. What 40 year old man gets fired for fighting on the job? You know I am not necessarily in love with my job, but it pays the bills and puts food on the table. I am not going to jeopardize that for anyone. I come to work to do my job and make money, end of story.

Thank God For Male Friends

So I ran my little dilema by my male friend Sam, and he gave me some good advice. You can't go accusing someone without proof. You can go with your gut and walk away, but to accuse without proof makes you look a little cray-cray. I wish I would have asked his advice before acting the donkey. Hey, you live and you learn.

Do the Hurricane

So as we all may know there is a hurricane headed for the area I am in. I have waffled back and forth about whether I would evacuate or stay. I am choosing to stay because I don't live in a low-lying area. I stocked up on all my supplies and me and Chunk are ready. Miss Beasley is vacationing in Alabama (jealous) so when the ish hits the fan it will be just me and the boy. You know what I am really scared of? The power and cable going out. I think hell is having to tend to an attention starved one year old while there is no power on. How is he gonna go to sleep without his white noise maker? How will I keep him calm by turning on Yo Gabba Gabba. This will be my greatest mothering challenge to date.

I will certainly update everyone on how we made out!

#Winning

I just got some of the best news of the month......*whispers* My FAVORITE esthetician is BACK!!!!! I am sure you are all wondering, "Why is that such a big deal? There are estheticians everywhere." A note about me: When I find someone who does the following really well, I stick with them like glue: cut my hair, wax my va-jay jay, do a facial, and wash my car. When I say Miss A is the best, I mean it. She is a step further than just doing the same ol same ol. She knows her stuff when it comes to skin. I have been awaiting her return because my skin as going bonkers. My skin just looks blah...so I look forward to seeing her because my skin needs it!

Got some updates about my ex-husband....apparently he's living at a bus station. At first I felt bad, but then I thought about why he was living in a bus station. First off, he won't work a regular job to get a place to live because he has made dodging DSCE a full time job. Second, he I don't think has been sitting around being worried about me and Chunk so....there you have it. So with that being said...good night!

I love this song.....shout out to my ex-husband....I can't love you this much...I can't love you this much....your phone accidentally called me back and I heard the whole thing......

How Did I Get Here?

Well, today started out good enough. I had plans with my $193.00 left in the bank. I was gonna give my rental office 100, I was gonna pay 60 to my son's daycare and the rest was going to my meds(put a pin in that) and maybe a 5 dollar bottle of moscato. Welp, all of that came crashing down because all I really have is 60 dollars...So none of the aforementioned is going to happen. Which means, there will be a late notice on my door, I will be dodging the daycare folk until Friday morning, and I wish I would buy some moscato and my other ish ain't paid. The meds? Can't sacrifice those. Hi I'm Victoria Page, and I suffer from depression. I have Medicaid so I don't have to pay an astronomical co-pay, just a couple of dollars, but the meds stay in the picture. If not....let's just try not to picture that.

So right now the word of the day is: breathe. I have to tell myself that every time I feel that hot frustration rising up in my chest when I realize that I have so much to do and so little resources to do it with. I want to cry but shit, I am all out of tears...plus I am learning that crying never solves anything you just end up wasting energy...

The snow really messed with my money. Seeing that I have not been here full time for 90 days I don't get to use that 6 hours of PTO that I have accrued....I could really use that right now because I didn't get paid for Monday and I won't be getting paid for Friday, which means that I will real short in my check. *wall slide* The problem with making more money, is when you are hourly, and you miss a day you take a bigger hit. When I was making 9 dollars an hour missing a day (72 dollars) didn't really kill me, but now? If I miss a day I take a 125 dollar loss in my paycheck....no good.

Well, I have whined all I can....I have some good things that I can reflect on at this time:

• My babies!!!! They will both be home tonight so I am making Miss Beasley's favorite--spaghetti! I look forward to laughing with them :)
• Ambien will allow me to fall asleep peacefully...so no 2:30 am episodes of Robot Chicken for me!
• I have been through worst. Living without lights? Check. Car Repo'd Twice? Check. Verbally Abusive husband? Check. Jilted at the alter? Check. Almost getting evicted? Check. So, me coming up a little short is not going to kill me....just gotta fight to see another day.....xoxoxo!

****For those that want to know....the shortage came from some balance I supposedly owed Enterprise...sheesh....

When All Else Fails....Do Some Hoe Shit....

Can I just express right now that I feel like relationships and love is for suckers? With the exception of my son, people with penises are on my list of people I hate. First off, my ex-husband has had some kind of epiphany that our son is not his. Yeah...take your time with that one. How did he come to this conclusion? He was served with child support papers. What a lame and childish move. But nonetheless, me and Chunky will be down at DSCE cheeks ready for the swabbing. My ex-husband is in the muthafucking way...

Now, remember "The Friend"? Yeah, he's a douchebag. I sure do know how to pick 'em. I am still trying to figure out his purpose in my life because the shit that has been going on lately has me scratching my head. He has moved out of the bedroom and has parked his ass on my couch with his laptop....and that is where he stays. While on the couch, he likes to call out all of my parenting flaws and anything he can find wrong with me. Our "relationship" is like this clip from The Boondocks. He would be the dude around the 1:06 mark. Complete with the borrowing your car line. Then he claims he doesn't live here, but I looked in my closet this morning and I swear on my hood (lollerskates) all his shit was in my closet. I know my ass was running around here talking about being broken hearted, but shit...I want my space back. I want to chill in my living room listening to pandora. I can't because there is SOMEONE ON MY FUCKING COUCH......so with all that being said, I am done with men. No, I am not going to start playing for the other team (though I am thisclose to doing just that) I just don't feel like being bothered. I don't think it is the cards for me to be in a relationship or even be entertaining one for a myriad of reasons.....sheesh..rant over...xoxoxoxo

SN: I never posted about the hoe shit...lol...I am going to dance at Atlantis for Amateur Night....you know there will be a story to tell...

If They Sold that Ish in Cans.....

So, I commited Facebook hari kari.....I deleted my page for a minute. I feel like it was robbing me of my blogging content. What's the point of the blog, if I am already spilling the beans on FB? So, it was time to take a break.

Well, me and the Friend have been consumating a little bit more. May I get a little nassy with y'all? Of course...this is me straight no chaser. Saturday I was putting my makeup on getting ready for Miss Beasley's birthday party and the next thing I know he is standing there in the bathroom doorway and he closes the door.....he bent me over the sink,,,and sweet Jesus, he made that first stroke the best stroke....then he picked me up and put me on the sink and proceded to make my body feel better than it has felt in a LONG time. The best part? Right before he came, he whispered in my ear: "I love you". I wanted to do a *sink slide* right there. It was just REALLY good sex....I went to that party with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

I am no longer ashamed to say it. I love sex. I mean, I REALLY love sex. It was a time when I was ashamed to say that because my generation equated women who liked sex with a hoe. But I will tell you what I am: A freak. I like my sex a little naughty and nice. Hoes are about quantity, freaks are about quality.

In work news, it seems like everyone and their mama is getting hurt, therefore causing me to waddle through an ass of paperwork and critiques. I see I am finally earning my money...lol. But to be honest, I am meeting some real cuties on this job. I love hitting up the deckplate because there is some serious eye candy going down over there...and they all meet my first requirement: they are employed. There is one eletrician working for us that is just FINE!!! When I had to go to the critique yesterday, I had the privilage of sitting next to, and I think I spent more time looking at him than listening about a ship fire. I think I just becoming aware of all the possibilities since I have let go of my ex husband. At one time I thought that unemployed, verbally abusive fool was the best that I could get, but I am starting to see I can do WAAAAAAYYY better. I can't help it if I am excited for my divorce is final so I can really find the man that I deserve, or better yet find him.....new chapters in life are fun! xoxoxoxo

Oh Really?

Oh really, day job? Y'all just had a major meeting on Sunday and nobody called me? But in today's meeting I am supposed to get all this major stuff done on short notice? Booooooo.....poor planning on your part will never create an emergency on mine. Ugh.

Have you ever had a text argument with someone and they are responding like they have an audience reading what they are responding, but they aren't showing the other person your responses? For example:

Me: Could you sign the separation agreement so I can get on with my life?

Ex-husband:I don't want you anymore. Put that on your separation agreement

Me: Ummmmm.....I put YOU out....because I didn't want YOU...but um...are you gonna help with your son's Christmas?

Ex-husband: I didn't lay down with your family. I laid down with you.

Me: *making the WTF face*

Really? I think his whole purpose was to evade the child support question. But that's okay. He should really know that I am not a rookie....so, I printed out what I needed and turned that situation over to DSCE. Yup, turned his black ass into the "people". But you know what? I have been in that system for almost 6 years now, and I can tell you, that they work for the good of the father. My daughter's father is 18k behind. When I call and complain, they tell me they will send him a letter. You know what he is gonna do with that letter? Look at it and say, "I don't have it." Sheesh...I wish I could just say that and somebody else took care of my responsibilities. *Kanye Shrug*

Speaking of Mr. West, eventually I am gonna get to his album review, it's just tonight I am not in that kind of mood. SN: On a random note, my neighbors must be buffalo because they move around upstairs like it.

I have a full bottle of moscato in my fridge, but to be honest, after Crazy Bitch showed up, I am scared as hell to drink a glass. I might....but then again I might not.

Tomorrow my baby girl is going to be 7. I cannot believe it has been seven years since she has been born. I remember bringing home this little screaming bundle that gave me a run for my money. She turned into my best friend, and me and her grew up together. She was there for some of my happiest and proudest moments. I remember looking at her when she was a baby and wondering what she would be. Seven years later I would have never guessed she would be a smart little girl who loves to read, draw and has dreams of being a veterinarian and an artist. She has made me so proud and I am so glad I am her mom and she is my daughter.

Well, I have decided to have a small glass of moscato and then turn in.....I'll let you know if Crazy Bitch shows up.....but what I am really looking for is some consummation from "My Friend". He and I have had a good night...it hasn't been tense like it's been the last couple of days....xoxoxoxo

Do You Like The Things That Life Is Showing You......

So....it's been awhile and I guess my first order of business is to tie up the loose ends that I kinda left hanging when I took a little hiatus. First, I am getting a divorce. Yes, ladies and gentlemen...it was time. I had been called names one too many times, and my heart was turning into an icebox *in my Omarion voice* where my heart used to be. Plus, I could do bad by myself (put a pin in that one, we are gonna come back to that). I gave up on my first junior cougar mission, after it became apparent that all he was good for was....fucking. That was it, and I am in a part of my life where I need just a little bit more. Not much more, like a husband, but someone I can have a decent conversation with. Furthermore, little homie thought the rest haven for wayward men had just opened up. Soon the text messages began to be exactly like this:

Him: Good Morning
Me: Good Morning Handsome
Him: I wanna fuck you so bad
Me: I want you too.....I miss me some "T" in the morning
Him: Can I hold some money?
Me: *making the WTF" face

I mean, really? Really? It didn't take too long for me to figure out he wanted a sugarmama, and that I am not. Shit, I have two kids. If you aren't them, then, I can't help you.

In other news, since letting my husband go, my finances took a big ole hit. It's nothing I can't handle because I have been doing this single parent thing for a minute. But if any of you followed my blog back in 2005, you will remember I bought my first "new-new" car. Yeah, "New-New" got repo'd. *insert gasp* I'll wait for you to compose yourselves. And to make it worse it was at work when they did it...and my ass w:s screaming like a maniac. I always watch Repo Wars and always said I would act dignified, but my ass was literally about to jump in the car to keep him from taking it. To make a long story short, I had to ride with a long winded co-worker for a few days, rented a Dodge Charger (rolling like a big shot...lol) and then eventually chunkin' Enterprise the deuces and now I am all settled in my 1990(yeah you read that right) Honda Accord--for now. I guess it's good tax time is coming so I can upgrade, but then again I am loving this little-to-no car payment thing I have going and I have never had insurance in the double digits!!!

I guess the next question would be, have I found someone? The answer to that is: Kinda. I don't really know what to call us...but we have consummated a whole lot of times (but not lately....put a pin in that one) we hang out...but lately its been kinda....meh. The consummation? Has dwindled down to nothing.....he said it is because he has not been in the mood and he wants to get to know me and not my vag-jay-jay(yeah I just did that)....but I have a feeling that may not be the case. First, this man's profession requires him to spend about 45% of his time in the club (and I am not making that percentage up...my nerdy ass just calculated it), second because of his popularity I have seen females throw themselves at him left and right (when I say seen, I mean with my own two eyes) and I don't know any man to turn down that much pussy. But he says sleeping with a woman he meets in the club is like sleeping with people at your workplace and he wouldn't do that. I guess. Only time will tell.

On the mental health front, I need to get control of my PMS or something. This week I spent one night crying, drinking moscato, and listening to sad music (while the new friend was here...ugh) . It was really bad. And when I got to work the next day? Bam. There was Aunt Flo. Why Aunt Flo must you turn me into a Crazy Bitch? I am serious...shit, I am scared of who ever the fuck that was that showed up that day. I don't even KNOW why I was UPSET!!!! I just was. I need to get that fixed STAT, because if I don't I am gonna end up alone, talking to my two cats in my hoarded house.

Well, that's all I have tonight, but I look forward to blogging being a better outlet, than Facebook or hell even Twitter. Maybe this will keep the Crazy Bitch from popping up next month. Till next time...xoxoxo!