Cloud Nine

Hey y'all! I have been studying like hell for my CCNA exam in March. I like teaching myself though, it leaves room for deeper exploration.

Remember how I said I would be spending Singles Awareness Day solo? That honey lamb, is no longer true! I am spending that weekend with J. It's looking very promising to be a great time. He has become my morning commute companion and I won't lie, I missed talking to him while he was on the west coast last week. So I know the question on everyone's mind and mine is, "Will J get some of this Hello Kitty?"* To be honest, I don't know, but I will have a shiny new IUD....so who knows? But you know what puts me at ease, I know that if no Hello Kitty is given, J will not be calling me "wack"....well at least not to my face lol.

Today while grocery shopping, one of my worst fears came true. Miss Beasley has never been a fan of my ex-husband (that child knew he was trouble from the word "go") and I always feared that she would be the one to reveal to her brother his daddy was ratchet. I don't know what I'll ever tell Chunk in regards to his father being grossly absent from his life, but it wasn't going to be biased, just the plain truth. Chunk pointed at man wheeling his shopping cart passed us and said, "Daddy!" Miss Beasley replied, "That's not your daddy, mommy dumped your daddy because he didn't want to work." I quickly scolded her and avoided eye contact with the people who overheard. Though Chunky didn't understand the magnitude of shade that was just unloaded on him, I felt sad for him. He is growing up without his dad in a horrible way. How to I tell him that what his father was is the reason I said ENOUGH! I just hope he understands that every decision I made was to protect him and his sister's future. As far as men in his life he's not lacking. He has his Pop-pop, his barber, the next door neighbor etc. in Chunky's case it IS going to take a village.

Time for me to return to the wonderful world of networking before catching some shut eye. xoxox

Getting Right

I have gotten a CCNA cram guide and wooooo my head is spinning. I am waiting for my actual book to arrive so I am using this as a little intro before I delve in further. I'm pleased at the info I am learning. I come from a programming background, so this is new territory for me, but I got this.

I have made some positive changes in my life, starting with the way I think. For the last 3 years I have been in survival mode. I was so busy living day to day that I couldn't see any further than the next day. I have started saving for my retirement and setting a financial foundation for my kids. I used to be a beast when it came to money and I'm back on that mindset. I'm also feeling extra motivated. I am starting to see there is life beyond where I am. I don't have to stay in then"down trodden single mother" lane. The only way I will stay there is if I want to.

Can we talk about these insane dreams I have been having? Last night I dreamt of William from the show "Girlfriends." He was my boo y'all lol. You know what was different about this dream is that intimacy, not sex was the focus. Subconsciancially that is what I have been craving. I like orgasms as much as the next woman, but I am craving thag feeling of a man's arms around me, soft kisses in my most softest places, sex but with a connection.....then way it should be. That is why I'll be practicing abstinence for a while. I don't want a man who can just make my hello kitty feel good, I want to walk way knowing that our moment of intimacy meant something on both sides. It's hard but you can't put a price on dignity.

Time to unwind, it's been a trying week but God is keeping me. xoxoxo and stay blessed!

Pride

Things have been great but I feel like I'm a fraud for not indulging a part of my life that is in disarray. About three weeks ago my sister and I got into an argument that changed the dynamic of our relationship. I'm not going into all the details but we both walked away kind of washing our hands of one another. This is nothing new because we have these kinds of falling outs all the time but after three days or so we iron it out and go back to our business. She wants me to heed her opinion more and I want her to understand though I respect her opinions I have the right to not follow them. She doesn't want to feel like a "yes man" and I don't want to feel like her flunkey. We hit an impass and have not spoken in 11 days, which is a long time for us. But this week I have found myself missing my sister to the point of tears. I was in Old Navy tonight buying my very first pair of compression tights for running and I fought back tears. I was in the same Old Navy we went to on Black Friday and upon entering hot tears began to roll down my face. I was searching for the best kind of coompression tights and I was so confused. The way this should have went was her on the other end of the phone telling me what to look for and hounding about the importance of good running shoes. I should have said "eff it" and picked up the phone and called her but "mean Victoria" was in my ear saying "Eff her.....don't be the one falling on your sword this time. Make her apologize to YOU!" But "nice Victoria" kept saying "This is stupid. You are in the most happy place in your life and you are going to let a petty argument stand in the way of your sisterhood?" My pride kept me from picking up my phone and I tearfully purchased my pants and got the hell out of there. On my ride home I began to think about my kids and how I would be crushed if they stopped speaking. I always preach to them about not letting anything separate them. I feel like a hypocrite because I am letting my pride separate us. I don't know what to do but a change has got to come. My son is som much like my sister it is killing me not calling her at night to tell her is new favorite phrase is "help me" which was also hers when sne was his age. Hopefully prayer will give me some direction.

Today was so quiet at work and I got a wonderful surprise of my mom taking my kids for the evening. I was gonna go see "RedTails" but I will catch it tomorrow. Tonight is about wine and cracking open m books so I can study for my ccna....good night and god bless

One Hit Away

Things have been pretty cool over here in the wild world of Miss Page. I'm not going to regale y'all with the awesomess that is J, but I will say this: if hope that he's the one, if not he is the prototype. Ladies, after years of chasing men that didn't care about me it's nice having someone in my life that cares. He doesn't want anything from me, just me. Ba da ba ba I'm loving it.

Working in an office with women is the epitome of drama. There are alliances and gossip galore. I stay out of it because if there is anything I have learned in my 16 years of working is to stay above all the drama. My supervisor is amazing though. I knew we were gonna click because she is a single mother like myself. She understands my struggle. She didn't throw shade when I took a little time out to get some things straigthened out with my the payments for my daughter's afterschool program tuition. She doesn't fuss about my internet usage during downtime because she knows that I know how to manage myntime and I get my work done. After coming off of employment with the City, that is refreshing.

While I was writing this blog, my daughter came in my room informing me there are some boys in her class that are not so nice. My advice I gave her came directly from Ru Paul. "People's opinions of you are none of your business. That's their baggage. Love who you are an OWN IT! I'm just happy she felt comfortable talking to me. That lets me know that she knows that she can.

It's time for me to turn in......a girl needs her beauty rest! xoxoxo

Insurance is a Beautiful Thing

I finally reached my 90 days at work and I have been using my insurance like it's going out of style

I had my gyn exam today with a new doctor and I can tell I'm gonna stick with her for awhile. The first think I liked is that she introduced herself to me BEFORE I had to get into the gyn uniform: paper top, paper sheet and socks. That made it so much easier to communicate some of my concerns. After the exam she brought me in her office and we had a long conversation about birth control. I decided to go with the para gard but I am scared as hell with all I have researched. Men are lucky...they have two options: vasectomies or condoms. My head is swimming right now, but as always I'll figure it out. Things are progressing nicely with me and J. He challenges me to think bigger. Sometimes I have to check my feelings because Jay-Z said it best, "if your feelings are too intense, his pimp will die" so for now I'm taking deep breathes because like Jagged Edge, "I can't take another heartbreak"....yeah I'm on my music mode tonight lol. Today was hectic as hell at work, but it's all good, but Miss Page needs to rest my mind....good night all! i

I Feel Good All Over

This has been a really wonderful week for me. I know I sound like some old softie, but J has really been keeping a smile on my face. He's very attentive and I like that. I mentioned that I was going to run the Rock and Roll marathon in Miami, and within 30 minutes he had picked a flight, hotel, and car. Talk about a man taking control....and he made sure that everything that was picked was quality. I think I'm liking the passenger seat, lol.

I am going for my Cisco certification in May and I am excited as hell. My mom is supporting me by watching my kids so I can really focus on my studies. I will also start

my adderall regimen so I can stay focused in class and really absorb what is being said.

Hi my name is Victoria and I am a runner. Running is like crack to me. It has replaced my love of wedding cake ice cream. I have solved my dilemma on where to run on the weekends. The local high school has a track and I am going to get some running in on Mondays and Thursdays. The rest of the week I am going to be in the gym. I want my body to be a beast by summer.

Things seem to be looking up for me. Is life a picnic everyday? No, but I am learning to find the beauty and humor in each negative so it turns into a positive..I had fun bowling with some new friends and I'm looking forward to church in the morning! xoxoxoxo

Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight

I was having the most AMAZING day today! J and I had some hilarious, and thought provoking conversation this morning, work was insanely productive, I FINALLY got my stuff in order to start school. I come home to make what was gonna be a kick ass dinner and...........my water is shut off. This wasn't a total surprise, it was shut off yesterday, but you know I'm a hustler, I grabbed my pliers and turned it back on. But this time the came back and locked the meter. I felt.....stuck. I thanked God Miss Beasley went home with my mom. For tonight it was me and my sidekick, chunky. I'm not sad because the water is off, like I said I'm a hustler, so water will be flowing through this house tomorrow. What scares me that this is gonna be my life forever. As I sit here and type threw my tears, its time for me to let go of my selfish dreams. I'm not going to major in history anymore. I am going to complete my IT degree and call it a night. It's not what I want to but I need a career that keeps shit like from happening every 5 minutes.

Celibacy....whomp, whomp whomp...

Don't everyone fret, I'm still a virgin lol. Last night I had an interesting conversation with J of a sexual nature( prudes exit stage right). It was nothing too heavy but we got a chance to find out where the other one was coming from. What this conversation brought to my mind was the great debate on "waiting to give up the cookies." Historically,  I have never had a "waiting period" and to be honest that has been the problem. In my 31st year I have come realize that I'm not emotionally built for casual sex. I have tried the whole "friends with benefits" thing and all I can say is: epic fail. So I got to thinking about why I was being celibate. I am holding out for a relationship. Instead of asking, "Where is this going?" after my perm has been sweated out, I'll ask first....that way I can make a more informed decision. I'm really feeling J and I don't want this to be another stop on my proverbial trail of tears....here's to thinking smarter in 2012!

Against The Wind

This morning I did my first run of 2012! I did intervals and logged 1.69 miles and I feel amazing! Last night I was in a very sad mood, my best friend Red Velvet helped talk me down from the ledge. When I got up on the trail, I started running and I felt so....free. Every step I made I felt a little of my anxiety go away. All the aggression and frustration began to leave my body. Again,  I felt free!

After my run I headed to CHKD with Chunky, it turns out he has an ear infection. It took me by surprise because he is never sick and he hasn't been acting any differently. I'm just happy they caught it early and I didn't have to miss any work.

While I was in Walgreens picking up Chunks meds, I noticed that they were decorating for Singles Awareness Day aka Valentine's Day. This will be year number two without a significant other and I'll admit it, it sucks. So instead of sitting in the house mourning my singledom, I am going to do something special. I'm thinking of a tattoo, wine tasting, or dinner somewhere I wouldn't normally go. Whatever I do it will not be Facebook stalking my exes while hopped up on wine, Xanax, and self-pity.

The thing I am grateful for in my life is my friendship with Red Velvet. Who knew 16 years ago in English class we would forge a friendship that would span that many years? Yesterday when I was at one of my lowest points she gave me a safe space to annouce my fears and insecurities. This means so much to me because I don't have this kind of opportunity with my own family. We all need a person we can confide in without judgment or fear of an argument. She cheers me on whether I'm winning or losing. She is the embodiment of friendship.

Well I'm on mommy duty for the rest of my weekend, and I can't wait for church tomorrow. My spirit needs some MAJOR renewal!

No Crystal Stair....

Today was just another day in my life as a single mother. Frustrated is the only word I can think of. Most of my frustration comes from watching my ex husband living is life like it's golden.  A couple people have informed me he's been partying it up with his new girlfriend. It's not the girlfriend part that bothers me it's the fact he has abandoned his son. Who does that?

I am kicking ass in the kitchen! Last night I made a wonderful chicken alfredo that was awesome. I'll tell you what, husband #2 will never go hungry lol.

Tonight I am going to have a little wine and forget my troubles....this can't be life.....

Oranges, Butterflies, and Stillettos....

I'm sure you are all wondering how my trip went. I have one word: amazing.

My first night there, J took me to this amazing Japanese restaurant that had the hibachi grill at each table. We caught each other up on what was going on in our lives and shared almost comedic tales of love gone wrong.

When we got back to his house, I began to wrestle with myself about the sleeping arrangements. I didn't want to do too much too fast but I realized if I didn't want to do too much too fast I didn't have to. That's the beauty of not living by default. So after we showered and got in bed he said, "You smell really good!" He told me I smelled like oranges and he liked that. We fell asleep in each others arm, me counting backwards from 100 because....it's been awhile, lol.

The next day at the Smithsonian was dope. We were cracking jokes and learning new things about history and each other. He indulged me a trip through the butterfly garden where I got some nice pictures. Long story short, we had a good time.

Later that night we went to Big night and we had a great time and when midnight hit it was just me and him....I don't know what is going to come of this, but if the old adage about who you spend New Years with is who you spend the year with, is true, I would be happy with that.

So, I brought my New Years in with a happy heart, and my celibacy intact (don't front,  y'all wanted to know lol)....2011: Pursuit of Happiness....mission accomplished. Happy New Year!