One Hit Away

Things have been pretty cool over here in the wild world of Miss Page. I'm not going to regale y'all with the awesomess that is J, but I will say this: if hope that he's the one, if not he is the prototype. Ladies, after years of chasing men that didn't care about me it's nice having someone in my life that cares. He doesn't want anything from me, just me. Ba da ba ba I'm loving it.

Working in an office with women is the epitome of drama. There are alliances and gossip galore. I stay out of it because if there is anything I have learned in my 16 years of working is to stay above all the drama. My supervisor is amazing though. I knew we were gonna click because she is a single mother like myself. She understands my struggle. She didn't throw shade when I took a little time out to get some things straigthened out with my the payments for my daughter's afterschool program tuition. She doesn't fuss about my internet usage during downtime because she knows that I know how to manage myntime and I get my work done. After coming off of employment with the City, that is refreshing.

While I was writing this blog, my daughter came in my room informing me there are some boys in her class that are not so nice. My advice I gave her came directly from Ru Paul. "People's opinions of you are none of your business. That's their baggage. Love who you are an OWN IT! I'm just happy she felt comfortable talking to me. That lets me know that she knows that she can.

It's time for me to turn in......a girl needs her beauty rest! xoxoxo

Good Night Irene

The title of this blog and the subject matter have nothing to do with each other, I just wanted to say that lol.

Grow the Hell Up

I talked to my ex-husband today. We spoke on the matter of him not paying child support. I discovered two little nuggets of information. 1) He has been working all this time and STILL wasn't paying. Who does that? You know I was mad as hell 2) He got fired from that job for......fighting. Yes, you read that right. Fighting. What 40 year old man gets fired for fighting on the job? You know I am not necessarily in love with my job, but it pays the bills and puts food on the table. I am not going to jeopardize that for anyone. I come to work to do my job and make money, end of story.

Thank God For Male Friends

So I ran my little dilema by my male friend Sam, and he gave me some good advice. You can't go accusing someone without proof. You can go with your gut and walk away, but to accuse without proof makes you look a little cray-cray. I wish I would have asked his advice before acting the donkey. Hey, you live and you learn.

Do the Hurricane

So as we all may know there is a hurricane headed for the area I am in. I have waffled back and forth about whether I would evacuate or stay. I am choosing to stay because I don't live in a low-lying area. I stocked up on all my supplies and me and Chunk are ready. Miss Beasley is vacationing in Alabama (jealous) so when the ish hits the fan it will be just me and the boy. You know what I am really scared of? The power and cable going out. I think hell is having to tend to an attention starved one year old while there is no power on. How is he gonna go to sleep without his white noise maker? How will I keep him calm by turning on Yo Gabba Gabba. This will be my greatest mothering challenge to date.

I will certainly update everyone on how we made out!

Lost in the World....

I wish there was a reset button that you could press and just start your day over. Remember all those happy little bullet points that I posted that were going to make my evening better than my day? Cross every last one of them off. No spaghetti, no Miss Beasley, no ambien, just nothing. When I got home all I could think of is what a fuck up my life has been. You know what the worst part is? My children can tell. Miss Beasley doesn't even want to come back home and I don't blame her. There isn't anything to come home to. If you were given the choice of living life without having to be in "survival mode" for 90% of the time wouldn't you take it? Who the hell wants to come home to a mama in a fustrated mood over her lack of funds? I don't blame her. Runaway Miss Beasley as fast as you can. Poor Chunky has no to run to. I feel the worst for him. He was dealt a raw hand in life. A depressed mama and a lazy daddy. My sister was right. He needs an advocate.

The deal is this y'all. I am tired. I am tired of fighting every. single. day. I am waiting for that time in my life where I get to coast. I am tired of looking at the happy from the outside looking in. I have spent the last 20 years of my life doing that. I pray 2011 is better because if not, in the words of Radric Davis....I might don't make it...

Update: We can cross one of those things off the list :) God is good :)

I Just Wanted To Add....

That there will be no amateur night at Atlantis either....I have an ultra professional job and it would be JUST my luck that someone from work would be there.....and my job is not a "woman's job" and doing some shit like that would make my professional life 10 times harder....sooooo.....I guess we can just call exotic dancing my dream deferred.....I will stick to pole dancing classes...lol

How Did I Get Here?

Well, today started out good enough. I had plans with my $193.00 left in the bank. I was gonna give my rental office 100, I was gonna pay 60 to my son's daycare and the rest was going to my meds(put a pin in that) and maybe a 5 dollar bottle of moscato. Welp, all of that came crashing down because all I really have is 60 dollars...So none of the aforementioned is going to happen. Which means, there will be a late notice on my door, I will be dodging the daycare folk until Friday morning, and I wish I would buy some moscato and my other ish ain't paid. The meds? Can't sacrifice those. Hi I'm Victoria Page, and I suffer from depression. I have Medicaid so I don't have to pay an astronomical co-pay, just a couple of dollars, but the meds stay in the picture. If not....let's just try not to picture that.

So right now the word of the day is: breathe. I have to tell myself that every time I feel that hot frustration rising up in my chest when I realize that I have so much to do and so little resources to do it with. I want to cry but shit, I am all out of tears...plus I am learning that crying never solves anything you just end up wasting energy...

The snow really messed with my money. Seeing that I have not been here full time for 90 days I don't get to use that 6 hours of PTO that I have accrued....I could really use that right now because I didn't get paid for Monday and I won't be getting paid for Friday, which means that I will real short in my check. *wall slide* The problem with making more money, is when you are hourly, and you miss a day you take a bigger hit. When I was making 9 dollars an hour missing a day (72 dollars) didn't really kill me, but now? If I miss a day I take a 125 dollar loss in my paycheck....no good.

Well, I have whined all I can....I have some good things that I can reflect on at this time:

• My babies!!!! They will both be home tonight so I am making Miss Beasley's favorite--spaghetti! I look forward to laughing with them :)
• Ambien will allow me to fall asleep peacefully...so no 2:30 am episodes of Robot Chicken for me!
• I have been through worst. Living without lights? Check. Car Repo'd Twice? Check. Verbally Abusive husband? Check. Jilted at the alter? Check. Almost getting evicted? Check. So, me coming up a little short is not going to kill me....just gotta fight to see another day.....xoxoxo!

****For those that want to know....the shortage came from some balance I supposedly owed Enterprise...sheesh....

When All Else Fails....Do Some Hoe Shit....

Can I just express right now that I feel like relationships and love is for suckers? With the exception of my son, people with penises are on my list of people I hate. First off, my ex-husband has had some kind of epiphany that our son is not his. Yeah...take your time with that one. How did he come to this conclusion? He was served with child support papers. What a lame and childish move. But nonetheless, me and Chunky will be down at DSCE cheeks ready for the swabbing. My ex-husband is in the muthafucking way...

Now, remember "The Friend"? Yeah, he's a douchebag. I sure do know how to pick 'em. I am still trying to figure out his purpose in my life because the shit that has been going on lately has me scratching my head. He has moved out of the bedroom and has parked his ass on my couch with his laptop....and that is where he stays. While on the couch, he likes to call out all of my parenting flaws and anything he can find wrong with me. Our "relationship" is like this clip from The Boondocks. He would be the dude around the 1:06 mark. Complete with the borrowing your car line. Then he claims he doesn't live here, but I looked in my closet this morning and I swear on my hood (lollerskates) all his shit was in my closet. I know my ass was running around here talking about being broken hearted, but shit...I want my space back. I want to chill in my living room listening to pandora. I can't because there is SOMEONE ON MY FUCKING COUCH......so with all that being said, I am done with men. No, I am not going to start playing for the other team (though I am thisclose to doing just that) I just don't feel like being bothered. I don't think it is the cards for me to be in a relationship or even be entertaining one for a myriad of reasons.....sheesh..rant over...xoxoxoxo

SN: I never posted about the hoe shit...lol...I am going to dance at Atlantis for Amateur Night....you know there will be a story to tell...

The Return of Crazy Bitch and Snow? I Think.....

Oooooh what a morning it has been!!!! The Good: They are calling for lots of snow, and they canceled school and it was optional whether or not if we wanted to come to work. The Bad: They called for snow and canceled school and I had 4 diapers left in the house and 0 dollars to my name. This caused the Crazy Bitch to show up in all her glory....I just remember being real mad (Joe Jackson), ordering my children to get dressed and taking Chunky to Food Lion with NO shoes on (he had on socks). You know why I was mad? Because I had to do something illegal to get Chunky's diapers. I will not say what, but I think we can all gather. It makes me so frustrated that I am stuck here making these hard ass decisions, like whether or not I want to go to jail and risk my clearance over a 6 dollar pack of diapers, but my ex-husband and daughter's father are out there living life carefree. If I had a gun, I would have probably drove to Hampton and shot my ex-husband in the face on sight. But then again who wins there? You know what the bad part was? The "Friend" was here. Watching all of it. He judged me and told me I don't care about my kids. Well, I guess that is easy to say from behind a laptop perched up on the couch....My point is this: Until you have been a single parent with an uncooperative baby mama/daddy, then you can't make judgments.

Since I will be locked in this house most of the day, I will more than likely work on reviewing Kanye's album, smoking cigarettes, and sleeping when I can. Good day! xoxoxo

Do You Like The Things That Life Is Showing You......

So....it's been awhile and I guess my first order of business is to tie up the loose ends that I kinda left hanging when I took a little hiatus. First, I am getting a divorce. Yes, ladies and gentlemen...it was time. I had been called names one too many times, and my heart was turning into an icebox *in my Omarion voice* where my heart used to be. Plus, I could do bad by myself (put a pin in that one, we are gonna come back to that). I gave up on my first junior cougar mission, after it became apparent that all he was good for was....fucking. That was it, and I am in a part of my life where I need just a little bit more. Not much more, like a husband, but someone I can have a decent conversation with. Furthermore, little homie thought the rest haven for wayward men had just opened up. Soon the text messages began to be exactly like this:

Him: Good Morning
Me: Good Morning Handsome
Him: I wanna fuck you so bad
Me: I want you too.....I miss me some "T" in the morning
Him: Can I hold some money?
Me: *making the WTF" face

I mean, really? Really? It didn't take too long for me to figure out he wanted a sugarmama, and that I am not. Shit, I have two kids. If you aren't them, then, I can't help you.

In other news, since letting my husband go, my finances took a big ole hit. It's nothing I can't handle because I have been doing this single parent thing for a minute. But if any of you followed my blog back in 2005, you will remember I bought my first "new-new" car. Yeah, "New-New" got repo'd. *insert gasp* I'll wait for you to compose yourselves. And to make it worse it was at work when they did it...and my ass w:s screaming like a maniac. I always watch Repo Wars and always said I would act dignified, but my ass was literally about to jump in the car to keep him from taking it. To make a long story short, I had to ride with a long winded co-worker for a few days, rented a Dodge Charger (rolling like a big shot...lol) and then eventually chunkin' Enterprise the deuces and now I am all settled in my 1990(yeah you read that right) Honda Accord--for now. I guess it's good tax time is coming so I can upgrade, but then again I am loving this little-to-no car payment thing I have going and I have never had insurance in the double digits!!!

I guess the next question would be, have I found someone? The answer to that is: Kinda. I don't really know what to call us...but we have consummated a whole lot of times (but not lately....put a pin in that one) we hang out...but lately its been kinda....meh. The consummation? Has dwindled down to nothing.....he said it is because he has not been in the mood and he wants to get to know me and not my vag-jay-jay(yeah I just did that)....but I have a feeling that may not be the case. First, this man's profession requires him to spend about 45% of his time in the club (and I am not making that percentage up...my nerdy ass just calculated it), second because of his popularity I have seen females throw themselves at him left and right (when I say seen, I mean with my own two eyes) and I don't know any man to turn down that much pussy. But he says sleeping with a woman he meets in the club is like sleeping with people at your workplace and he wouldn't do that. I guess. Only time will tell.

On the mental health front, I need to get control of my PMS or something. This week I spent one night crying, drinking moscato, and listening to sad music (while the new friend was here...ugh) . It was really bad. And when I got to work the next day? Bam. There was Aunt Flo. Why Aunt Flo must you turn me into a Crazy Bitch? I am serious...shit, I am scared of who ever the fuck that was that showed up that day. I don't even KNOW why I was UPSET!!!! I just was. I need to get that fixed STAT, because if I don't I am gonna end up alone, talking to my two cats in my hoarded house.

Well, that's all I have tonight, but I look forward to blogging being a better outlet, than Facebook or hell even Twitter. Maybe this will keep the Crazy Bitch from popping up next month. Till next time...xoxoxo!