Things I am Not Here For

I saw this floating around the blogosphere and decided to participate!

1) Love and Hip and other shows of that genre. I don't discriminate I've stopped watching RHONY and Mob Wives too. I'm just tired of watch a bunch of birds acting up on TV....Frasier, Unsung, and Golden Girls is how I get down.

2) People in pretend relationships. Before I go there, I will admit I have been in a few one sided relationships in my day, so this is no shade. Im not here to listen to folks fabricate relationships based off clicks and whistles. Now I know what I sounded like and I'm em-bar-assed!!!

3) The jokes about my "imaginary boyfriend". I may call J my unicorn, but he does exsist in real life. I am sure you are all wondering one thing: "She takes pictures of lunch, but how come there's no pictures of her man on her FB/IG?" Good question. If my life was a reality show, J (and my sister) would be the people who would opt ALL the way out. J is very private and I have respect that otherwise y'all would have gotten ALL the T from his birthday evening....lol

4) Liars. I think we all know my stance on that.

5) Lacefront wigs. Why?

That's all I have...there's more but I am going to enjoy the rest of my day off!

Boundaries

I'm enjoying an unexpected day off. My doctor is off, so am I. The best part is I still get paid for it.

I picked Miss Beasley up on Saturday so she could return with me to the DMV. Leaving my mom was very hard for her. It was hard for my mom too. Hopefully both of them will adjust easily.

When I got back, I stopped over J's house so I could pick up a few things he had been storing for me. We sat and talked while my kids played( they missed each other) and while talking I noticed the picture from his trip when he took a helicopter ride. I also noticed in the picture he was with his female friend. I know they are just friends and the trip was her gift to him but I was hurt a little. My mood shifted to sad and we said goodbye and I headed to my new place. While driving, I had a little talk with myself. I have two options: stay mad or let that go and move on. I chose option two. I have male friends too, and I CHOOSE not to do certain things with them because I am scared it will be detrimental to my relationship. The key word is "choose". Now if J doesn't choose to do the same that's fine. He has it right. You don't drop your friends because you have a new boo. Let's add this to something to work on because I have a bad habit of letting go of friends because I'm in a relationship. I did this the worse when I was married. When my husband started acting up, I had no one to talk to because I had abandoned everyone. So long story short, I am going to maintain my friendships regardless of my relationship status. It's called creating boundaries and I need to get some STAT!

Well I am off to enjoy this day with a run and some much needed errand running!

A Day to Remember

Whew! It has been one hell of a Friday! Where to start????? While talking and driving I was not paying attention to the speed, and ended up with ANOTHER ticket!!!! It wasn't just any old traffic stop though. Because I didn't stop at the exit, the first thing the officer said when I rolled down my window was, "Give me one reason why I shouldn't arrest you right now for trying to allude me?!?" Oh. Shit. He said arrest and all I could do is an internal wall slide that was epic in every way. Then ANOTHER officer showed up. I just KNEW it was about to go down. Thank God I walked away with a ticket but as J's brother told me, THEY DO NOT PLAY IN FAIRFAX and he ain't never lied.

After that I called my mom and a man picked up and told me she had been in an accident and he was the tow truck driver. My heart sank. I was scared of what might be said next. I cautiously asked if she was ok and he reassured me she and my daughter were ok, but at that moment I HAD to talk to them. I began to feel enormous guilt for leaving my mom, for leaving Miss Beasley. I just wanted to know they were ok. I frantically called my dad and then the hospital. They got my mom on the phone and I was so happy to hear her voice. She let me know her and Beasley were fine and to turn around (oh y'all know I was headed to the 757 with NO bags! I don't play!) and she would see me in the morning.

My nerves y'all.....today has jumped up and down all over them. I am going to decompress with a hot shower and then I'm headed to bed. The lesson today: God will take care of you....and show you what's important.

Climax

Maybe I am too sensitive for a relationship.  No, real talk.  Today J and I were talking, and I started talking about taking Chunk to see the Giants and we went into some back and forth about the Giants and the Eagles.  So then he says, " I gotta get off the phone with you."  I thought he was joking.  That was until I heard the busy signal in my ear.  I was madder than a muthafucka.  I called him back let him I know I felt some kind of way and he said it wasn't like that.  I am not gonna lie my feelings were a little hurt, and they are still a little hurt.  Trust and believe I have a sense of humor, but damn.  He'll be gone this weekend and so will I so I will have time to do some thinking about this relationship, for the last time.  I know relationships are work, but I think my sister said it best, "If you are having some kind of issue every week, it's time to let go."  If something that small is setting me off then it's time to re-evaluate.  Let me reiterate....I hate being a grown up......lol

Friday Smiles

Happy Friday everyone!  My day has been going wonderfully and it got even better when a friend of mine who works in the city invited me to lunch at Potbelly's.  It was nice to have some mid day conversation and laughs.  This was perfectly timed because the past couple of days have been...well you know...the sun don't shine, the son don't shine, and I will just leave it like that.

I am excited to get my baby this weekend!  I am also looking forward to seeing my parents and a new friend that I aquired while looking for a gift for J.  It's going to be a good weekend all around.

On the Six....

Or the Yellow Line....same difference. Today I reached a breaking point with the traffic. I was beginning to grow tired of the soul sucking commute (DC traffic is REAL y'all!) so I decided to take the metro to work and I EFFIN LOVE IT! It just felt good to not have to fight the traffic. The ride back home was dope. So I am now in possession of a SmarTrip card and I'm taking the metro everyday. This also means I catch up on my reading on the way to work which is a huge plus.

Yesterday's events gave me a lot to think about and for some reason my relationship came across my mind. I remember when I met my ex husband he was my EVERYTHANG y'all. Then the more I discovered the more I didn't like. By that time my foolhardy tail was already married to him. In an effort to have a man I didn't take a second look. I didn't ask fact finding questions. I let red flags go unnoticed. The lesson I learned was to never be afraid to walk away if you don't like what you see. You get what you buy. All of my soul searching last night led me to the conclusion that it's ok to state what you want. I have always been hesitant in relationships to call a flag on the play. There was always this voice saying, "If you confront him he may....leave you." To that I now say, "So what?" This doesn't mean talk reckless all the time, but don't be a doormat either. Last night I got my priorities in order and things that were in the top five got bumped waaaay down and some things that were at the bottom got moved up. It's crunch time. I did not come up here to fail. The mission was to craft my IT career, not boo love. My future and my kids are in the balance and I can't take anymore chances. So the heat has been turned up and Miss Page is going harder....stay tuned!

Banana in the Tailpipe Shennanigans

On Friday I got a Facebook message from Chunky's dad informing me he had sent 100 dollars to money gram for Chunky. What made this unusual is I have not heard from this man in almost a year and he is almost 7k in arrears in support. I rolled my eyes and went about my business I had a gut feeling shenanigans were going to ensue and I was correct. He also sent an FB message to my mom and she got all hyped like his daddy was about to stay in his life. No folks this grown ass man involved me in bald headed reindeer games. I go to money gram and guess what? He refunded the money back to himself. The day he sent it. I can't y'all. I sent him a tidy message informing him that I know what he did and to not contact me anymore. I don't have time for this shit. What bothers me the most is his disregard of our son. Who does shit like this and why? Ugh.....

It Wasn't Even My Birthday

Last week was J's birthday and boy did I work on putting that evening together. When we first started dating J always took me to places I'd never been or heard of. Every date was an adventure. So I decided to repay the love and take him somewhere new. Now this was NOT easy because J has lived here 10+ years so he has seen it all. I googled and yelped until I found a Japanese fusion restaurant called SEI. He had never been. YAAAAASSSSS!!! The food was amazing! We had good conversation and drinks and then headed home so he could have some birthday cake, take that how you want....lol. I enjoyed my time with him and I loved surprising him.

Remember how I was really homesick when I got to DC? Yeah I think that has passed. I was in Columbia Heights on Friday and I was noticing all the places to eat and shop and I got all amped that I was finally here! I almost threw my hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore!

Not much else to report, just more homework and writing.....xoxox!

Position

Today was a roller coaster of a day! The best part of my day was getting my hands on some wings and mumbo sauce from Big China. That meal was everything! When I got off work I explored the Columbia Heights area and I liked it there. If DC had better schools I would have moved there.

On my way home I got a call from Miss Beasley's father informing me he had quit his job. Yes, you read that right. He just quit because he didn't like the job. Sheesh. I wish I had that kind of freedom. At first I was real mad, Joe Jackson, but then I realized something, God put me in a position where him not paying child support wouldn't hurt me. It was then that I dropped my anger and picked up my praise. I remembered that the earth is the Lords and the fullness there of. Meaning, any help I get comes from Him. Simple as that. I pray that one day my children's fathers will grow up and become responsible adults. So no worries over here.

This weekend me and J are celebrating his birthday and I have some surprises in store for him. Tomorrow night is going to be interesting to say the least.

Well tonight I am taking a break from studying and heading to bed at a decent hour.....peace.

Tough Decisions

Recently I was propositioned by my parents to take care of my kids for a year or two while I grow my career in DC.  My first thought was HELL NO.  But the more I began to think about it, the things I am trying to accomplish, writing, and networking, and asimilating into life into DC are not conducive to single motherhood.  In terms of my kids I may have bitten off more than I can chew and a conversation with a friend (and I use that term loosely) did not help.  He put it to me that I already have multiple strikes against me that will eliminate me from being taken serious in the professional and personal world.  According to him, most serious companies to not want to hire a single mother.  Children are problems.  They get sick, you have to take off, etc. all of this causes lack of productivity and cost a company money.  Then of course he reminded me that my J probably won't stick around for long because a man without kids is definatley not signing up for nothing long term with a woman with with two kids with two daddies.  I understand his point but make no mistake about it, my children will always come first and romance can wait.  I love my babies, but what I am filled with today is regret.  I regret I didn't finish college and enjoy my 20's.  My greatest accomplishment in that era is my kids.  If I died today that is the only thing left to let the world knows I was here.  The worlds shortest obituary.  This feeling will pass, but I am honestly beginning to give my parents idea some thought.

Faux Pas

A few things I want to get off my chest, and its going to be short because my economic homework is calling my name.

Today J and In had a housekeeping conversation regarding our relationship. He told me some things he didn't like that I do and I did the same. It was informative because I learned the things that he does that send me wallsliding aren't intentional, it's just apart of who he is. I can respect that. So basically its no need to take it personal.

I spoke with J's mom today and we shared our love of jazz music and I invited her to a Nina Simone tribute at Bohemian Caverns. When I told J he didn't seem too excited. It think it had a lot to do with me ( the perpetually lost person) and her being out there by ourselves. No need to worry now because I got the dates wrong and the show is in August, so crisis adverted. However, it was nice to talk to someone else who shares my appreciation for jazz. I like his mom she's easy to talk to.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with J and where it's headed. I like J to the moon and I can honestly see a future with him. But to do that I am going to have to unlearn some defense mechanisms that are runing my chance at happiness. First and foremost I need to get control of my emotions. I have made some of the WORST decisions in my life based off emotions.  The next goal is to trust. I have spent the last 4 years living in mistrust. Mistrust of my friends, family, and boyfriends. I have always felt that if I trusted no one then I could keep myself from being hurt. This has backfired. Not trusting has turned me into a parnoid control freak. So the goal is to work on being a better me in the inside!

The Waaaaahhhhbulance

I'm really working on not complaining. I came up with the idea to pay myself a quarter every time I complain.

I'm in the throes of being an adult, ugh. Today at church the Bishop spoke about having vision and purpose. After the struggle that was the move up here and the celebration has passed, it's time to set a new goal in my professional life and in my personal life. Emotion cannot rule the roost to get there. There needs to be changes made and they started the moment I left church. Actions speak louder than words so I am not going to make a proclamation, lol, I'm just doing.

I ran this morning and I felt amazing. No iPod, just the sound of nature. I think it's time for another 5k. I miss training, it was a therapy of sorts.

I'm off to enjoy my Sunday Funday!

Winter

*Erykah Badu voice* Now keep in mind I'm new to this so I'm sensitive about my shit.....so with that being said, I decided to post my poetry. Enjoy!



My season of you is winter
The warmth you brought
Like a warm glow at the end of a cold tunnel
Conversations around the kitchen island
Becoming one on sheets that felt like silk
Laying together
Feeling safe
Heaven in a strange place
Like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon
Becoming a new woman
With every stroke
Letting all fears
Melt away
Burning up 95
With a smile and an ethereal glow
Shining brightly
When I returned
To my dishwater colored existence
Winter is my season of you

Climb Every Mountain

Procrastination is an ugly thing. I waited until last night to start my assignments that are due tomorrow and I have a five page paper due. Tomorrow. Tonight is going to be a late night early morning with these books.

The school struggle is real......

Update

My blogging has been a little light, between the day job, school, ghostwriting and being a mama I am BUSY!!!

Last night,  I has some much needed QT with J. He gave me life with the most AMAZING massage! He even had this massage bar from Lush and it smelled heavenly. I returned the favor and I don't need to say what happened next: *cues up "Best Sex I Ever Had.* Things are going nicely with us....he reminded me tonight of the reason I like him so much. He made me laugh, genuine laughs.

My son is FINALLY potty trained AND he stands up to pee!!! The last part was a big deal because when I split with my ex people would lament how we needed to get back together so my son would know how to pee standing up ( I know, right?). I thought him how to aim and to put the seat down!

I am adjusting a lot better to the DMV. I'm planning to do restaurant week up here and I'm excited to try some new food, as there is no shortage of that here.

Question

Would you be suspicious if:

Your significant other told you that he was going on trip with "the guys" but you discover once he's there you find out he's with a female friend and some other females? I know the female friend so I'm trying to figure out why there was a lie by omission.....very interesting....

Random Thoughts

• Second open mic night was dope!!!!! I even had some old and friends who attended, and that made the difference!


• I will no longer allow myself to get upset when I feel I am not being told the truth. Like my mama says, “Keep on living….” It’s ok to stop playing detective; there is a 98% chance that the truth will come out (….and that is another blog post by itself). Knowing that, in the future, when I am fed a lie, I will simply throw on that face in my profile picture and keep it moving! Life is too short to get your pressure up over someone having a problem with the truth.

• This is the magical time of the month, and I must say that I haven’t had a “Mariah Carey Moment” yet. I think it has to do with the bullet point above. But it’s still early…..lol

• I need a serious facial. My skin is making my heart sad. I have trust issues when it comes to stuff like my skin and hair, so I am trying to find an esthetician up here, but I just keep saying to myself, “ I don’t know her either…..”

• Salmon on the grill is everything!

• Scott Mescudi is no longer my “Boo in my head”. The new title goes to Wale. He made me like men with dreads. I think more than anything I like his voice. It’s everything.

Trust

Trust is a very fragile thing. It's fickle. Sometimes it's easy to gain, sometimes it's hard to gain. Either way it's something, once broken, can be hard to re-gain. Then there is issue of rebuilding trust, how do you do that when you've scratched the lie and got the truth? Cold world.....