I Am Woman Hear Me Roar!

The construction of my podcast lit a fire up inside of me and reminded me of who I am. Whenever I get an idea in my head, and I am committed to it, I am going to get it done. The idea of a podcast scared me initially. Microphones, editing, feed burners, FTP sights, my head was swimming. But I sat down, researched and put a plan on paper and got to work. It took me 30 minutes to record and....two hours to edit. After researching free podcast hosting sites, I found a good one and posted my podcast. My eyes where tired, but my mind was hungry....it took me back to the days I would lock myself in my room and program for 5-6 hours at a time. God gave me this ability and the dream and I am going to see it through on my own. I put out feelers for photographers, graphic design and web developers and no one has responded, so instead of putting my dream in another persons hand, I am buying my own camera (it's a simple shoot) and I am hitting Barnes and Nobles to get some graphic design books. Right now I'm über focused right now....I'm not a princess who needs saving...I'm a queen, I get ish done!

My Life Uncensored Podcast Ep. 1

 FINALLY!!! After weeks of research and four hours of recording and editing.....my first podcast has arrived!!  I feel like I have just given birth y'all!!!  It's a little rough and unscripted, and there is a special appearance by Chunky.  Enjoy!


My Life Uncensored Podcast Ep. 1

Goals For 2013

1. Finish the spring semester with nothing less than a 3.5

2. Get this IT career cracking

3. Put on my big girl panties and start navigating the house buying process as it relates to purchasing a foreclosure

4. MORE BIBLE STUDY AT HOME! It's nice to go to church every Sunday, but if I am not studying what I learned, I am not really going to be able to become strong in His word

5. Visit the MLK monument. (Don't judge me)

6. Let go of the past. This is a work in progress, as I am a hoarder when it comes to people and emotions. Oh, that? That's just a grudge I have been holding since 88....

7. Continue running, but it's time to tone. I am down to my "before I ever began the business of gestating" weight, but I want to be solid, no jiggles

8. Connect with people. My friends game night brought me out of my shell a little more. I can recite poetry on a stage all the live long day, but small group settings are a challenge.

9. Take better care of my skin. I give. I am investing in a clarisonic and BB cream. I'm getting older and so is my skin. Most importantly I will hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

10. Dial down the paranoia in my relationship. Not only do I look batshit crazy, I have come to the conclusion that you can't stop deception. Furthermore, any inconsistency does not always mean there is deception, contrary to the teachings in Alyxxs Taylor, lol.

Binders Full of Women

Very Smart Brothas- "Can We Be Best Friends?"

I found this over at the Very Smart Brothas blog and found it very interesting for the station I am in life.  J, has a TON of "female friends."  They are EVERYWHERE y'all.  I refer to them as his "harem" or "binder full of women."  There is a real estate agent, a cake maker, several models, and some partridges in a pear tree.  J has women y'all.  Anywho, I am always questioning how he is friends with half of the female population of DC and California and not one of these women have tried to cross the line.  I want to see the receipts.  Maybe it is because my interactions with my male friends have always been the opposite.  I have yet to have a male friend who has not at least made an attempt to push things over the friend line.  My bigger question is, if they try to push things over the friend line, can they still be called a friend? 

Working Title: The Killing

Some times I ask
Why bother
Chasing that dream
The dream I thought
I needed, wanted
To discover the dream
Was a nightmare in disguise
Resolution to a life of
Silent unhappy
Prisoner of my
Own emotions
Crying out
Running from one
Frying pan
Into the cold sadness
Deep down
Deep down
In a place where
Kush, cover girl, and Herve
Can't go
A gaping wound
Oozing emptiness and sorrow
Held together by the occasional
False promise
No one is safe
I looked for a way to exhale
But I was
Choked to death by my loving nature

Keep On Pushing

Hooray!!!  It is snowing today!  I am excited and nervous at the same time because this is my first snow in the DMV, but I am not a fan of driving in the snow at all.  When it snows I feel like all of the world should be at home under a cozy blanket, watching tv or....you know. 

This morning has been a little emotional rollercoaster for me.  My mom forgot to hang up her phone last night when she tried to call me, and I caught the tail end of my dad saying some not so nice things about me.  For the sake of my sanity, I am not going to go through all that was said, but long story short it wasn't nice and it hurt like hell.  For everyone playing at home, my father and I have a HORRIBLE relationship.  He doesn't like me, and I am not a fan of him either.  When I am around him I get the sense that he feels like I am a huge disappointment.  He isn't very communicative either which makes things even harder.  I can count on one hand how many times we have talked on the phone this year and when is displeased with something I have done, he uses my sister as a mouthpiece.  If he is upset with me, I wish he would talk to ME.  I have had the same phone number for the last 2 years, he knows where I am, I just don't get it.  I want to call him up and bless him out this morning, but I didn't.  I sent him a text and let him know what I heard and I forwarded him the voicemail and that I felt after 32 years of all this passive agressive disdain, I quit.  I don't have the energy for it anymore.  I have spent a lot of years trying to hurt him the way he has me and all it has done has left me damaged and gave him the ammunition to continue.  I am just done.

In better news, I have come to the conclusion that in order to garner more writing gigs, I am going to have to just put myself out there.  I am a little shy at times, but I am learning fast that is not going to help me. Networking will be key and I am going to have to open my mouth (pause, lol) to get what I want.  Tonight I am going to a networking event that will give me a chance to meet some new people and get my business cards out there (yes, Miss Page has arrived...I have cards...lol).  I will let you all know how it goes!

Gifts and Curses

I am writing this from my mamas house irritated at myself and everyone else in a 50 foot radius. I love my family. God knows I DO! But I don't know how many more of these gatherings I have in me. I feel like it brings out the absolute worst in me and they provide a large sense of anxiety. No one should have to take as many Ativan a day as I have this weekend. I love spending the holidays with them, but our fights are become more notorious than the holiday. Picture it, Mama Page's house, any given holiday. The tip off for the fight usually will begin a week to 2 days before we all assemble. Now, this fight will not always be between the same two people, but there is going to be a fight. This time it was me vs. Mama Page. She called me on Tuesday and out of nowhere launched into a tirade about how I better help her cook this year, she isn't doing anything, so on and so forth. I just agreed, which if you know my mom is like waving blood at a shark. It made her madder and my phone "dropped" the call. Fast forward to this morning, everything was going along well and she asked me to empty the trash. I asked her to give me a minute, because I was washing my daughter's hair. This is where shit went left. She stormed past me and yanked the trash bag out of the can. I told her I would do it and I grabbed the handle. A tug of war ensued until finally I won and I took the trash out. All was well after that, I baked my cake and I turned to her to ask when she wanted me to start the greens. Now, the ONLY reason I even offered to make the greens was because she already laid me out about helping cook just mere days ago. So as I am asking she's just kind of ignoring me. I am getting angrier because I do not want to spend all night making greens. Side bar: I know how to make greens, but if they are not made to my mother's specifications there will be hell. So I waited and waited and finally I said, "If you didn't need my help you should have just said so." She starts hollering about my unwillingness to take the trash out earlier. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. At that point I was beyond frustrated. I jumped in my car headed to the shell station to find my old friend, the Marlboro man. As I sped into the parking lot I thought about how good I felt being a non smoker. I was not going to let any petty argument pull me back. So I got a Pepsi and some fried chicken and headed back to the house. I sat in my car for awhile writing and looking on the Internet before I went in. I remembered that I get to go back home tomorrow. All I have to make it through half of the day tomorrow and I can go back to life as I know it. This will probably be my last year doing this. I cannot keep playing Russian roulette with my holidays. I hate not knowing if I am going to be kissed or killed. That is no way to live. One good thing is, I see what J meant by "emotional tirades" and yeah, I am not going to be that person.