Epiphany

I spend a lot of time daydreaming. It's always been problematic for me from time to time. From the time I was a child I would sit and imagine what my "grown up life" would be like. I won't get into details but the daydream and the reality are polar opposites. I'm perfectly fine with that because I love my kids and I am happy with my life. At this stage though, I am daydreaming about my life in the next 5 years. I see myself in a beautiful home (that I bought!), my children are happy, the struggle that has been the last four years is a distant memory and I am climbing the IT ladder, kicking ass and taking names later. Throw in a GOOD husband and a dog and you've got a fairytale. But you know what is scary? If these things don't happen. I have fought so hard for the last nine years and experienced so heartache and disappointment it would be a great disservice to myself and my kids if I left this world accomplishing nothing. When these eyes close, I want it to be said that my life meant more than a bunch of bad decisions. So as of tonight, no more daydreaming. The dreams have turned to goals. Not a bunch of "what could be's" but "what will be!" Prayer, organization and FOCUS are the name of the game.

So Anxious

Let me start off by saying I am loving the progress I am making in my quest for fitness. On Tuesday I hit the gym for my recovery day workout and I went to a part of the gym that seemed so far away but so close at the same time. The weight room. This is where they go HAM and cheese in the gym. I was intimidated as hell but I felt confident on that day. Hell, I'm a runner....I belong over here. The environment was infectious. I began to push myself harder and when it was all said and done it was one of my best workouts since I was in my 20's.

I am up late tonight because I am having a special visitor this evening. Can you guess who it is????? J. I am feeling giddy. Even though it's been a few weeks I have been missing him like crazy. I came across something about sportscenter and I began to think about the warm cocoon like feeling I get at his house. ESPN in the background, Pandora on and off, humorous conversation.....it feels like such a safe space.

I want to go on record that I denounce Basketball Wives. The shit is getting old. The last three episodes were just everyone fighting and having meetings about who said what. For women who are supposed to be so accomplished and busy they spend a lot of time on idle bs. It's just become exhausting to watch them.

Well off to catch up on some TV while I wait for J.....it will certainly be a late night and early morning :)

Watch "India Arie - Beautiful Flower" on YouTube

I have to remind myself sometimes......no one else my see it but I do and that's what's important.....

Something That You Told Me, Stayed In My Head

I love me some Miss Mills y'all. Today has not been one of my better days. I have a few things bouncing around in my head and none of them positive. I didn't get out of the bed until noon, I didn't run, I just kind of shut down this morning. I am a witness that these types of feelings don't last long. It could be depression, it could be PMS who in the hell knows? While I'm waiting for this to pass I will throw myself into my studies, because....that's all there is. To quote Kanye, "a lot of girls claim they ain't into guys, focus on school full time to improvise.........."

Drive Slow Homie

I got a chance to reconnect with one of my old friends today and we talked about her broken relationship and my progressing relationship ( put a pin in mine, we are gonna come back to that later). It's sad how heartbreak changes us. I have seen confident people turned into emotionally crippled shells of their former selves over love gone wrong. It's kind of like being cut, the wound may heal but the scar still remains. I encouraged my homie to fight the good fight, but I could look in her eyes and saw something had changed. Another brick had been added to her emotional wall. The emotional wall is what we use to keep us from getting hurt. My wall is built from bricks containing the painful lessons I have learned about heartbreak. One of my latest bricks is not doing too much. I won't lie, when I think about J, I think of him in my future, and I am starting to realize I am moving to fast and putting too much pressure on something so new. It's been a LONG time where I have experienced reciprocity from a man I just don't know how to feel. I am ecstatic, hopeful, and happy, but I am also very afraid. What if this doesn't work out? What if the flaws of Victoria Page are too much for him? What if his flaws are too much for me? I value that we have honesty and that counts for a lot these days. The point is, I don't want this feeling to leave and I am tired of letting my wall down only to have to build it back up. The only thing that calms me is I KNOW who holds tomorrow and what is for me, is for me. So for the time being I am going to enjoy the ride and pray for the best.

Terrible Twos, Running Shoes, and Patience

I know people don't like the phrase "terrible twos," but I'm living it y'all. Chunky has turned from my sweet little baby to a temper tantrum throwing toddler. He's generally a good kid, but he can have some serious meltdowns. Today's tantrum was over us not going to dinner at.....Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-a is his favorite place on earth. He can tell you when we are close to one and gets über excited. If we pass it he turns into a different child. Whining ensues, tears flow, backseats are kicked. These meltdowns in the car I can handle, it's the public ones that get me. If you are a parent to a toddler, you have endured the judgmental stares you get while trying to explain to your toddler why it's not a good idea to stand up in the shopping cart seat. I just keep reminding myself that this won't last forever and he will grow up.

I FINALLY got real running shoes! I am sure you are wondering what took so long, and to put it simply: I am cheap. I will spend money on a pair of heels but when it comes to running shoes, the idea of spending over 20 dollars just didn't make sense. That was until I got terrible shin splints. My sister (the running guru) told me it was because of my shoes. I did some research and discovered I am an overpronator and my work sneakers were just not safe for running. So, while visiting J we headed to the shoe store and I found a perfect pair of Nikes....for $49!!!! I threw glitter all over the place. I even got a Nike sensor and it is EVERYTHING! I like how my music syncs up with my run and I can track my runs without having to use a separate device.

I have a confession. I have slacked up on my studying for my CCNA. I toyed with the idea of getting a MCSE cert instead, but J advised that would be a huge step down. I had some thinking time and pinpointed what the real problem is. I am lacking patience. That has been my flaw when it comes to executing a plan. I just want to get to the fun part without the work, but as I grow I realize hardworking is going to be the only way that this gets accomplished, so back to the grind tomorrow.

Well.....

My weekend is coming to a close and I must admit I had some much needed relaxation. J and I cooked together tonight. He took me to this really nice grocery store ( I know...lol) and it was EVERTHANG!!! The supermarket had a restaurant/wine bar in the middle of the store and they had a crazy meat section. We found these huge chicken, beef and vegetable kabobs and we got the rest of what I needed to make my pineapple upside down cake. We got home and J threw down on the grill. He did his thing, I should have been paying attention to how he started that fire so fast. Last year my little attempt at grilling was a nice run, but starting the fire was straight up struggle.

These next upcoming weeks are going to be interesting. I FINALLY got running shoes, so I am going to kick it up a little more. I also realized I am attracted to ANY run tracking software. I love looking at my workouts stacked against each other. It has been cool watching my progress over the last two months.

It's been another great weekend.....I'm liking this :)