Randoms.....

Just some randoms....

• I love my oil burner and the smell of lavender oil...it is THE BEST!!!!
• Laughter is the best medicine for the blues. The past couple of days this week I have been feeling a little low and Red Velvet would call and we would get on that phone and LAUGH!!! I am talking 3 hours of laughing....classic
• I know that I have spoken against this.....buuuuutttt.....I LOVE FALSE LASHES!!!! I think I secretly hated them because I did not know how to apply them. I like the way they look on me, but I do have requirements. I only use the type that are strips but sparse. I HATE the look of mini tarantulas on someone's eyes. I just want them to enhance not over power
• Being a single mom is HOARD!!!!!!!! But it's the most rewarding job ever. I love seeing the smiles on my children's faces
• After complaining about not having any friends in my neighborhood, and today while making my bi-weekly run to get diapers I ran into one of my old friends and she lives IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!! We are hanging out tomorrow night to catch up!
• I thank God for the friendships in my life. I am happy that I have learned to be a better listener (I used to be the Toni Childs of friendships).
  
• What is the protocol for dealing with someone you meet that you found out was "kinda a big deal" back in the day. I work with a young lady who after friending her on Facebook discovered she used to be a video model (not using that other term...it's not nice) aaaannnd I found out that she was a primary in Common's "Go" video. I think it's awesome. She never talks about it....but I think it's neat.
  
• Will it ever get easier?
• Stress will rob you of your appetite and smile....no bueno.
• I think women who take their shoes off in the club and walk around barefoot are gross. That is all
• Call center culture is just.....smh
• Am I too young to be researching liquid facelifts?
  
• Why did my daughter's father have to be threatened with 60 days in jail before he would pay child support? Didn't I ask him to do the same thing 3 months ago? It makes me sad he would follow the instruction of a stranger before the mother of his child.

Well that was a very satisfying brain dump...lol...thanks for reading xoxox

Wooo Saaaahhh

I'm back y'all from my "Britney Spears in the crazy time when she shaved all her hair off" meltdown. Things aren't going so great right now, but I am living each day looking for that silver lining. I just read that last post and I know I am feeling better when I can look at it and say, "Girl stop..." I remembered the Oprah interview when she interviewed Ilyana Vanzant. Ilyana talked about the death of her daughter and how she stayed in bed for months and then contemplated killing herself when she heard a voice saying, "STOP BEING DRAMATIC!!!" I heard that voice....there are worse things that could be happening to me. I should use this time of "reduced work hours" to do somethings I have been wanting to do.

The love life? On hiatus. Indefinitely. I am not ready for a relationship in any capacity. I need to work on being the kind of woman I want to be so I can attract the kind of man that I want in my life. Friends are ok (not the kind that sleep on my couch) but boyfriends? Nope. I think it's best I stay away from the horizontal polka too. Oh.....you didn't know....Celibacy 2011 has been started and stopped like three times....but now it is back on, because it just confuses things.

Who knows something about lawns? I finally get a dwelling that has a front and backyard and I have no idea what I am doing. I was oh so clueless in front of KMart on Saturday. Mulch or Top Soil? What kind of weed killer? Do I need a rake or an aerator? It was just a mess. I ended up getting one bag of top soil for the front lawn(not enough) a rake and some Roundup weed killer. The result? My yard looks worse than before. I dug up all the ground and scattered that scant amount of top soil on the lawn and the result is a dirt patch with two mud puddles(it rained afterward). I think I am going to go with the mulch. My neighbors used it and their lawn looks awesome. The backyard? I think I am going to have to have a party for that one because it is a MESS! I am going to work on the patio part this weekend and the back end next weekend. I just need a place to have cocktails and grill.

Well, I just wanted to assure all of you that I am okay and I will be okay. Thank you Christy, Red Velvet, Hollywood, and Birdie for checking on me, letting me cry, and being awesome. xoxoxo!

P.S. Child Support Update: Ex-hubby now has two choices. Pay or go to jail. I bet he wishes he would have just paid....we all know he does not have $1,400.....

Lost in the World....

I wish there was a reset button that you could press and just start your day over. Remember all those happy little bullet points that I posted that were going to make my evening better than my day? Cross every last one of them off. No spaghetti, no Miss Beasley, no ambien, just nothing. When I got home all I could think of is what a fuck up my life has been. You know what the worst part is? My children can tell. Miss Beasley doesn't even want to come back home and I don't blame her. There isn't anything to come home to. If you were given the choice of living life without having to be in "survival mode" for 90% of the time wouldn't you take it? Who the hell wants to come home to a mama in a fustrated mood over her lack of funds? I don't blame her. Runaway Miss Beasley as fast as you can. Poor Chunky has no to run to. I feel the worst for him. He was dealt a raw hand in life. A depressed mama and a lazy daddy. My sister was right. He needs an advocate.

The deal is this y'all. I am tired. I am tired of fighting every. single. day. I am waiting for that time in my life where I get to coast. I am tired of looking at the happy from the outside looking in. I have spent the last 20 years of my life doing that. I pray 2011 is better because if not, in the words of Radric Davis....I might don't make it...

Update: We can cross one of those things off the list :) God is good :)

I Just Wanted To Add....

That there will be no amateur night at Atlantis either....I have an ultra professional job and it would be JUST my luck that someone from work would be there.....and my job is not a "woman's job" and doing some shit like that would make my professional life 10 times harder....sooooo.....I guess we can just call exotic dancing my dream deferred.....I will stick to pole dancing classes...lol

How Did I Get Here?

Well, today started out good enough. I had plans with my $193.00 left in the bank. I was gonna give my rental office 100, I was gonna pay 60 to my son's daycare and the rest was going to my meds(put a pin in that) and maybe a 5 dollar bottle of moscato. Welp, all of that came crashing down because all I really have is 60 dollars...So none of the aforementioned is going to happen. Which means, there will be a late notice on my door, I will be dodging the daycare folk until Friday morning, and I wish I would buy some moscato and my other ish ain't paid. The meds? Can't sacrifice those. Hi I'm Victoria Page, and I suffer from depression. I have Medicaid so I don't have to pay an astronomical co-pay, just a couple of dollars, but the meds stay in the picture. If not....let's just try not to picture that.

So right now the word of the day is: breathe. I have to tell myself that every time I feel that hot frustration rising up in my chest when I realize that I have so much to do and so little resources to do it with. I want to cry but shit, I am all out of tears...plus I am learning that crying never solves anything you just end up wasting energy...

The snow really messed with my money. Seeing that I have not been here full time for 90 days I don't get to use that 6 hours of PTO that I have accrued....I could really use that right now because I didn't get paid for Monday and I won't be getting paid for Friday, which means that I will real short in my check. *wall slide* The problem with making more money, is when you are hourly, and you miss a day you take a bigger hit. When I was making 9 dollars an hour missing a day (72 dollars) didn't really kill me, but now? If I miss a day I take a 125 dollar loss in my paycheck....no good.

Well, I have whined all I can....I have some good things that I can reflect on at this time:

• My babies!!!! They will both be home tonight so I am making Miss Beasley's favorite--spaghetti! I look forward to laughing with them :)
• Ambien will allow me to fall asleep peacefully...so no 2:30 am episodes of Robot Chicken for me!
• I have been through worst. Living without lights? Check. Car Repo'd Twice? Check. Verbally Abusive husband? Check. Jilted at the alter? Check. Almost getting evicted? Check. So, me coming up a little short is not going to kill me....just gotta fight to see another day.....xoxoxo!

****For those that want to know....the shortage came from some balance I supposedly owed Enterprise...sheesh....