Lemons......

I am really losing this battle with smoking. I wish I never picked up this habit 9 years ago. I feel like maybe my relatives should be gathered in hotel room holding speeches on how my smoking has affected them. But I am starting over *pops a piece of nicorette*

I am done looking for ways to spice up my life. Looking for excitement in all the wrong places has not been a good look for me in the past and it isn't turning out to be a good look for me now. It's time to just appreciate the good things that are going in my life and just work on that. I have a roof over my head, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are healthy and happy, and even without a job I have been keeping my head above water.

Speaking of being unemployed, this little work free vacay has given me the opportunity to tap into a lot of my talents that I have kinda let lay dormant. For instance, I did not know you could get paid to write erotic fiction. Yessir, some people average about 100-200 a story. Well, as the queen of sexting (lollerskates) I am going to throw my hat into the ring and see what happens. I like to write and I like sex, it's a win-win. I have also decided to maybe try my hand at bar tending. I don't mean at a bar, just mainly for private parties and such. You can really clean up at a wedding or these invite only pool parties that seem to be popping up all over the city. Of course there is also my hair hustle. I don't mean to brag, but I do a mean blow out and I am on my way to becoming a licensed cougar groomer. Yup, when life hands me lemons I make lemonade. My mind is becoming open to so many possibilities and I like it.

Another Again....

You know how you have a gut feeling that something you did was the wrong damn thing? Yeah, follow that. I didn't and now I am in the eye of a storm of fuckery. Well, I decided to get me a little 22 year old sidepiece and that shit is blowing up in my face BIG time. Yesterday I was just listening to some side conversation about this individual and it turns out this muthafucka is the biggest manwhore on the east coast. He has had sex with a large amount of girls on days at school and a few on nights. He has three kids, one of those kids being born just a month ago. I can't lie, I feel foolish as a hell. I know it was supposed to be a fling, but somehow I can't help but to feel like a link in the chain or a notch in his belt so to speak. So needless to say last night was spent emptying a bottle of moscato, chain smoking and popping sleeping pills. I am going to give myself 24 hours to get over this and I am moving on. I guess it just makes more sense to stick with the devil you know.

Can you Hear Me Jose? It's Me, Victoria

I have a lot to say but I will get to all that later....

• 22 year old has broken my heart

I went on FB and he was talking about how he is all on top of the fucking mountain top of fucking happiness and glitter and ponies and unicorns and shit. I know this boy was NOT talking about me. So now I am here all butt hurt about the shit when I shouldn't give a fuck because I am ahem...married as a mother fucker. So now I feel like hooking back up with my good friend "Marlboro Menthol", getting a bottle of tequila, and crawling in my bed while Donnie Hathaway plays in the background. But I can't because I gotta cook and I didn't take Chunk to daycare so now I am just stuck here ready to go down into a ring of fire. Note to self: 22 year olds lead to 22 year old heartbreak. There is a reason I am happy to turn 30.

• Florida was awesome!

I could have just vacationed at the airport! The Orlando airport is beautiful. The shopping was just awesome(well window shopping). The weather was good and I was extra happy because I did not run into any lizards or snakes which would have scared the beejeezus out of me.

• Quitting smoking is harder than giving up tree

Nicotine should be illegal because right now, I would probably do something strange for a cigarette...lol.

Well, my baby is up and I think he has ripped one of the slats on the blinds in his room.

So...Am I A Cougar Now?

Since I am in the unhappiest marriage ever, I decided to do something about it. First understand my husband and I are POLAR opposites when it comes to a lot of things one of those things being sex. I am a Scorpio woman and well, I like sex. Lots of it. And I like my sex extra freaky. My husband? He would do wonderfully in the 1950's.

I like a little hair pulling and ass slapping every now and again and he just doesn't get into that. I like a man that can be gentle but I like that aggression from time to time. Weird, I know.

But I am getting off track. Seeing that I am the most sexually unsatisfied married woman on the east coast I did the only thing I could do. I got a side piece. Insert boos, the word adulterer etc. here. Yeah, I said this was uncensored. He is a day student where I go to school, 22, and has a beautiful body and yeah...a big ole dick. I know this shit is all kinds of ratchet and wrong, but when he approached me on facebook, something in me just said, "fuck it". He knows I am married and I am aware he is single and he's 22. The first time we hung together we had safe, wild, sex. I mean the neighbors-know-my-name type of sex. I won't lie, for the first time I exhaled. It took me back to a simpler time in my life when I was extra carefree. Afterwards we just laid there sans clothes while he told me how much he loved the Gucci Mane mixed tape and how he had an extensive shoe collection (evident by the 50 billion shoe boxes everywhere). I liked it. It was simple conversation. I used to be very judgemental of men who ran off with younger women, but after my encounter I don't feel that way anymore. For those three hours I was fancy and my conversation was not laden with which bills need to be paid, how much my in laws hate me or if the toilet bowl got stopped up again. It was just Gucci Mane and shoes.

I have been seeing my little friend here and there the past couple of days and we stay flirting via text, but I know in the back of my mind this isn't gonna last long. I am approaching 30 and as much as I like the escape, I am not willing to go through raising up another man. I did that enough with Ron Mexico (whole 'nother story). The road from 22 to 29 is a long one with a lot of shit and I don't wanna go where I have already been. But for now, I will just enjoy the ride and pray this ends well.

Hello. Good Morning.

I finally decided to re-enter the world of blogging after a two year hiatus. Why? Spewing out my thoughts and feelings on facebook and twitter were just not enough and it just wasn't the right place. But this ish right here? Is my life uncensored. It is me, naked and unashamed. It's where I am going to give the real deal. I have lately had to censor myself on facebook because it seems like every status update I post sends my phone and email blowing up. Sometimes a status update is just that--a status update.

That being said, I am at one of the most pivotal crossroads of my life. Yes Ladies and Gents, I am turning 30. Growing up, I would always regard 30 as being the beginning of the end. But for some reason now that I am actually in the moment, I am sooooo happy to be turning 30. My twenties were basically two babies, two fucked the fucked up relationships (there were other ones in between these two but for some reason I always choose the worst possible humans ever to procreate with) a nervous breakdown, and addiction to Mary and a partridge in a pear tree. I hope turning 30 brings something else than a lot of drama and high school behavior. Hell, I will be in GROWN woman territory.

The thing troubling me the most is my marriage. Let me just make this statement about my marriage. Don't ever do something permanent to fix something temporary. When I married my husband it was because I was heartbroken over someone else, and I felt that no one else would ever love me, so let me just marry this man who seems to like me. WRONG ANSWER! I wish I would have known then that my heart would heal and I was a bad mamajamma and there were plenty of men that would have me. So now I am stuck with a verbally abusive (I am a hoezilla according to him...lollerskates) man who has a shoddy work record and has not accomplished a damn thing in 40 years. So my dilemma is: stay and try to work it out, or leave? I feel like if I stay my 30's are going to be my 20's all over again. No kind of peace.