Sunday, September 30, 2012


What a weekend! Friday night I did the most and ended up with a horrible hangover on Saturday. I'm not drinking like that again....until my birthday, lol.

Last night, I hadn't heard from J after he said he would call and check on me. I was a little peeved so I sent him a goodnight text and made a little crack about him going to see his ex. Well, he let me know this morning he was not pleased and didn't feel like talking to me. I'm not mad about that at all. I probably shouldn't have said that, but it happened. I forgave myself and I'm moving on. I don't know what he's going to do, but I am not going to beat myself up over it. What I am going to do is help my girl prepare for this NY Giants velvet cupcakes courtesy of moi. Have a great Sunday everyone and GO GIANTS!!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012


When the seasons change, your needs will change....

I have been thinking about this quote all day and how it related to my life. In the last 5 months, I have learned a lot and grown even more. Where I was once indecisive, I stand firm. Last night, I thought about what I wanted for my life. As I went through my list I discovered there are some things that won't be making it to the next season. I am cutting loose anything or any one who brings negativity to me. Life is short, I don't want to die knowing I spent my life mired in negativity. Today I was reminded by three of my friends that I have a cheering section and I'm their cheering section any day of the week. You can't buy that kind of loyalty. I have also stopped trying so hard to be "in love." What is for me, is for me. No need to force something that's not there. Relationships are a lot of work, and there should always be dual effort. If there isn't walk away life is too short to chase someone who doesn't reciprocate what you put out. That's all my wisdom for the night....

FYI: Looking for a guest blogger...

Sunday, September 23, 2012


I met Dick Gregory today y'all! Since I was young I have followed all his work on civil rights and I love every one of his books. This was certainly one of the great moments in my life. He has such a quiet strength about him.

I am sitting here feeling a liiiiittttlllee but hurt because J and his homies went out to celebrate, and they brought their girls. True I partied hard Friday, and I was worn down, but I felt some kinda way I didn't get an invite. I'm not tripping because it was a miscommunication, but what this really about is my self esteem not being up to par. I am used to men only "dating" me during the hours of 10am-6am. It has given me the complex that men are ashamed of me because I am not this skinny, fashionable "bad bitch." my subconscious is screaming"EWWWW WHY WOULD HE TAKE YOU OUT AROUND HIS FRIENDS? YOUR CLOTHES COME FROM OLD NAVY, YOU DON'T HAVE AN IMPORTANT CAREER, and YOU DON'T FIT IN." J has never said any of this, but it's how I feel. I have to start loving myself more. It's time I accept Miss Page the way she is. I'm a good mother, ambitious, smart, hard working, generous and loving. I just need to believe it! I AM ENOUGH!!! I think it's time to lay on that couch again. Speaking of therapy, I am kicking ass on my codependency issues. I have surpassed the need to swing from J's nuts. Change is a process and I'm taking it one day at a time. I just need confidence and I'm going to work harder to build it up.

Well it's time for me get some rest, love day ahead.....

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Things I Learned Today.....

1. I was the one y'all. It got cold, I got giddy, grabbed my boots and....whomp whomp whomp I was the one walking around in 80 degree weather with some damn boots on. It was a fail alllllll day! *puts boots back in closet*

2. My daughter:Chunky as Stewie:Lois. She's trying to kill him, y'all. She is not here for his shenanigans. If he's doing something dangerous she will cheer him on. She feels like he takes up all my time. To help, I am going to carve out more "Girl Time."

3. Bronzer is THE best thing that has happened to me makeup wise. It gives my look that extra "umph."

4. If you take the HOV to 395 North, and pass the get off for Franconia-Springfield, you cannot get off ANY where else!!!! I did this today and had to go all the way to the Pentagon and turn around.

It's been one heck of a day, I have a lot more to share, but your girl is BEAT!!

Monday, September 17, 2012

What Not To Wear

With my 24 pound weight loss, I have encountered a new problem. What in the hell do I wear? The last 5 years my wardrobe consisted of items that were meant to mask my muffin top and jiggly arms. Now that those are gone. I don't know how to dress for my new body. The last time I was this size (8/10) I was 25 years old. Everything I bought at that time came from Forever 21. I am 32 now, living and working in metropolitan city and I need a more chic, functional look. I won't front, I suck at putting outfits together. If it was up to me my wardrobe would be all skinny jeans, old navy classic tees and ballet flats or heels. But I am attending a lot of social gatherings and I want to feel confident about my outfit selections. I am researching if they offer services at these department stores to help me put together a lot. Some of my insecurities stem from not feeling like I look nice when I'm out. Skinny girl problems.....

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Memoir.... is an exerpt from my "memoir".  It's a little sad, but I'll post a happy exerpt later.  Balance......

August 20, 2008 is a day that I will never forget. It was on this day that I almost succeeded in taking my own life.

The summer of 2008 had not been kind to me at all. First there was Terrance cancelling our wedding and breaking up with me, following that I had an abortion (worst experience of my life), and my “relationship” with the man who is now my ex-husband was unraveling. I arrived home from work and there was a note on my door from the rental office threatening to evict me. I looked at my phone, it was the credit union calling to find out when I would catch up my car loan. The world was caving in on me, everything felt like darkness. I put my daughter in her room and I sat on my living room couch and began to cry. Usually crying is very cleansing for me, but this time it wasn’t. Something inside me said, “See how invaluable you are? No one cares for you. You could not possibly be a good person because no one wants you.” Blindly, I stumbled to my kitchen drawer where I kept a stash of Tylenol PM. It was a new box, so systematically I opened each little packet and swallowed each pill. I felt a strange wave of calm come over me, the suffering was going to come to an end. In the back of my head, I knew the Tylenol PM was not going to be enough. I found my xanax and swallowed down the remaining 27 day supply. Ten minutes later I began to feel sleepy. During this time, I decided to call my mother and my best friend and tell them good-bye. My mother hung up on me in a rush to get to my apartment, and my best friend called the police. The next thing I know, Chesapeake Police, Fire and Rescue were at my house and I was being loaded onto a stretcher, while I feebly waved good bye to my daughter.

In the ambulance I screamed to anyone listening that I did not want to be saved. My calls went unanswered as the techs went about the business of asking me the standard questions.

“M’am did you mean to harm yourself?”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“Have you ever had thoughts of suicide before?”

When we arrived at the hospital, I was put in an observation room and a psych doctor came to evaluate me. She called out to one of the nurses to get the activated charcoal, and I groggily wondered what that was for. I would soon find out. The nurse handed me a Styrofoam cup with a black liquid that looked like tar. “Drink.”, she ordered. I did as I was told and it was disgusting. “You have to finish the whole cup, if not we will have to pump your stomach.” I drank and cried. I looked at my mother sitting in the chair next to my bed. She looked so worried, tired. I put that worry there. I went back to feeling like shit. After drinking the charcoal, I was ready to go home. I wasn’t dead, mission was not accomplished, I wanted to go home. I asked a nurse who was passing by when I was going home, and he said, “We’ll see…’s up to the doctor if she thinks you are stable enough to go home.” When the pysch doctor returned, I asked if I could leave and she said, “ I really don’t think it is a good idea, perhaps we can admit you to psych for evaluation.” A lump formed in my throat, the thought of not going home made me mad, but I kept my composure. “You have to let me go home. I have my little girl, and work. I have to go home.” At that moment, I realized that I had a purpose. It may not have been what I thought it was going to be, but I still had time.......

Till Next Time.....

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Broken Dreams Flying By on the Wings of the Obscene

*Five dollars to whoever knows where I got that title from*

The story writing contest is next Wednesday and I have narrowed it down to four pieces, I just don't know which one to use.  At the suggestion of my mother, I have started writing my "life story."  I have an exerpt ready and I will share it tonight.  It is sort of like therapy to write out some of the things I have been through.  Writing your life story is emotionally taxing.  There have been many times where I have been recounting an event and waves of sadness or happiness will come over me.  The hardest part is making it all come together.

Today I found myself in a weird situation.  I thought by leaving my hometown, that I would escape all the "six degrees" that seems to separate everyone.  Wrong.  A few months ago, a friend of mine invited me to where he relocated to work on my app, and while I was there he was going to introduce me to a few of his female friends.  Through the magic of Facebook, I saw that one of the girls was a mutual friend of my friends and J.  I asked my friend a couple of questions, and he did tell me that she used to have a boyfriend that she was serious about in DC.  Guess who that boyfriend was y'all?  J.  I immediatley realized who she was.  A few months back, J and I were in the mall and while we were together he was in an intense text conversation.  His phone was flipped over, and when a new message popped up it showed the sender was a female.  I asked him about it, and he said it was just a friend from out of town.  Well, I now know that it was not just a friend, it was his ex girlfriend.  I'll give you all a minute to process that.  What I am most upset about is that he didn't tell me the truth.  When I asked him why, he told me that he just didn't think I would take the truth well at the time.  That may very well be, but the truth is, he wasn't honest.  Honesty is all I ask of anyone in my life.  I try my hardest to be an open book in my relationships, face up, all trust.  My heart is hurt that he didn't do the same.....again.  This is where my new found boundries come into play.  I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you, and somewhere along the way I gave the impression that this was ok.  He admitted he was wrong, but y'all know me, once the seed of doubt has been planted, it grows into a wildflower.  I am too sure that if J found out that I was texting my ex, whilst sitting right next to him, my ass would be fired.  Immediately.  I don't know, y'all.......I am going to have to pray on this one, because this is the second time, and everyone has a limit.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Morning After

Patty Boom Boom is EVERTHING!!!!!! I am by no means a reggae head but I love to dance and I did just that. The club part is upstairs and it had a house party vibe. We found a spot and stayed there all night. The DJ was spinning it all! I lost my mind during the dancehall segment. By that time I was three rum punches in. It felt good to dance. Thank God for natural hair because it was HOT! It was an all around good time.

I have a little poetry for y'all....nothing major. Enjoy!

Beautiful Sunday morning
Hint of fall
Crickets chirping
The soundtrack of nature
Lukewarm coffee
Dog-earned Fifty Shades of Graded
The feeling of a dream realized

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Is This Love?

I think I may be feeling it y'all. It's wonderful and scary as hell at the same time. Your guard is down...freeing, but tricky. The thing is, I won't say it because it's early and sometimes men get scared because they imagine you are sizing them up for a tux and hearing wedding bells. Been there, done that. It's not about that anymore. As I get older I have learned that slow and steady wins out. Will I ever utter those three words out? Who knows?

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Back to School

Yesterday I sent my big girl back to school for her first day of third grade.  I don't know who was more excited, her or me.  This is a new school for her so I wanted to make sure she was comfortable.  I gave her her first ever press and curl and she got a new pair of pink and black Chucks courtesy of her Nana.  She was looking young fresh to death, and ready to learn.  The day seemed to be going smoothly, until 4 when I got a call that she never got off the bus. I damn near had a heart attack.  We are new here, she doesn't know the area, and I DID NOT KNOW WHERE MY CHILD WAS!  I just broke all the way down.  Frantically, I called the school.  They said that she was not there and the buses had not returned.  Hearing this only made me sob uncontrollably at my desk.  Next, I contacted the transportation office, the school, non-emergency, the school again, transportation again, and then the school again where they infomed me she was back at the school safe and sound.  I have never been so terrified in my life.  The thought of me not being able to find my baby made me an emotional wreck.  Hopefully today she will be on the right bus today.

On my way home yesterday, I picked up two slugs and one of them was the mother of one of Chunky's classmates.  We are now carpool buddies and the coolest thing is she is also from Virginia Beach.  She has been here for almost two years and is Team Single Mom like myself.  On our ride to work today we talked about what life is like being up here and being a single mom. She told me I was lucky I at least had a boyfriend to hang with (put a pin in that).  I told her I still get lonely because my boyfriend has his, ahem, own life.  We have made plans to hang out on Saturday, and I am happy.  I am gaining a small little circle of hanging buddies up here and I like it.  What I am really excited for, is Friday night.  While looking for something to do on Friday, I came across a place on U Street (my favorite place to hang) called Patty Boom Boom.  They serve patties and rum punch, but the best part is upstairs.  From what I understand it's reggae and dancehall alllllllll night!  I am prepared to get my life!!!!!!!  It is everything I love about going out.  Strong liquor and dancing until I am drenched.  People up here don't really dance when they go out, everyone is just standing around trying to look important.  I just want a night out where I dance my cares away, and I am going to get it on Friday.  Plus, I can do a little bar hopping at Marvin's and a few other places while I am down there. 

So far, things are going well here and I hope to keep the momentum going!!!