Epiphany

I spend a lot of time daydreaming. It's always been problematic for me from time to time. From the time I was a child I would sit and imagine what my "grown up life" would be like. I won't get into details but the daydream and the reality are polar opposites. I'm perfectly fine with that because I love my kids and I am happy with my life. At this stage though, I am daydreaming about my life in the next 5 years. I see myself in a beautiful home (that I bought!), my children are happy, the struggle that has been the last four years is a distant memory and I am climbing the IT ladder, kicking ass and taking names later. Throw in a GOOD husband and a dog and you've got a fairytale. But you know what is scary? If these things don't happen. I have fought so hard for the last nine years and experienced so heartache and disappointment it would be a great disservice to myself and my kids if I left this world accomplishing nothing. When these eyes close, I want it to be said that my life meant more than a bunch of bad decisions. So as of tonight, no more daydreaming. The dreams have turned to goals. Not a bunch of "what could be's" but "what will be!" Prayer, organization and FOCUS are the name of the game.

So Anxious

Let me start off by saying I am loving the progress I am making in my quest for fitness. On Tuesday I hit the gym for my recovery day workout and I went to a part of the gym that seemed so far away but so close at the same time. The weight room. This is where they go HAM and cheese in the gym. I was intimidated as hell but I felt confident on that day. Hell, I'm a runner....I belong over here. The environment was infectious. I began to push myself harder and when it was all said and done it was one of my best workouts since I was in my 20's.

I am up late tonight because I am having a special visitor this evening. Can you guess who it is????? J. I am feeling giddy. Even though it's been a few weeks I have been missing him like crazy. I came across something about sportscenter and I began to think about the warm cocoon like feeling I get at his house. ESPN in the background, Pandora on and off, humorous conversation.....it feels like such a safe space.

I want to go on record that I denounce Basketball Wives. The shit is getting old. The last three episodes were just everyone fighting and having meetings about who said what. For women who are supposed to be so accomplished and busy they spend a lot of time on idle bs. It's just become exhausting to watch them.

Well off to catch up on some TV while I wait for J.....it will certainly be a late night and early morning :)

Watch "India Arie - Beautiful Flower" on YouTube

I have to remind myself sometimes......no one else my see it but I do and that's what's important.....

Something That You Told Me, Stayed In My Head

I love me some Miss Mills y'all. Today has not been one of my better days. I have a few things bouncing around in my head and none of them positive. I didn't get out of the bed until noon, I didn't run, I just kind of shut down this morning. I am a witness that these types of feelings don't last long. It could be depression, it could be PMS who in the hell knows? While I'm waiting for this to pass I will throw myself into my studies, because....that's all there is. To quote Kanye, "a lot of girls claim they ain't into guys, focus on school full time to improvise.........."

Drive Slow Homie

I got a chance to reconnect with one of my old friends today and we talked about her broken relationship and my progressing relationship ( put a pin in mine, we are gonna come back to that later). It's sad how heartbreak changes us. I have seen confident people turned into emotionally crippled shells of their former selves over love gone wrong. It's kind of like being cut, the wound may heal but the scar still remains. I encouraged my homie to fight the good fight, but I could look in her eyes and saw something had changed. Another brick had been added to her emotional wall. The emotional wall is what we use to keep us from getting hurt. My wall is built from bricks containing the painful lessons I have learned about heartbreak. One of my latest bricks is not doing too much. I won't lie, when I think about J, I think of him in my future, and I am starting to realize I am moving to fast and putting too much pressure on something so new. It's been a LONG time where I have experienced reciprocity from a man I just don't know how to feel. I am ecstatic, hopeful, and happy, but I am also very afraid. What if this doesn't work out? What if the flaws of Victoria Page are too much for him? What if his flaws are too much for me? I value that we have honesty and that counts for a lot these days. The point is, I don't want this feeling to leave and I am tired of letting my wall down only to have to build it back up. The only thing that calms me is I KNOW who holds tomorrow and what is for me, is for me. So for the time being I am going to enjoy the ride and pray for the best.

Terrible Twos, Running Shoes, and Patience

I know people don't like the phrase "terrible twos," but I'm living it y'all. Chunky has turned from my sweet little baby to a temper tantrum throwing toddler. He's generally a good kid, but he can have some serious meltdowns. Today's tantrum was over us not going to dinner at.....Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-a is his favorite place on earth. He can tell you when we are close to one and gets über excited. If we pass it he turns into a different child. Whining ensues, tears flow, backseats are kicked. These meltdowns in the car I can handle, it's the public ones that get me. If you are a parent to a toddler, you have endured the judgmental stares you get while trying to explain to your toddler why it's not a good idea to stand up in the shopping cart seat. I just keep reminding myself that this won't last forever and he will grow up.

I FINALLY got real running shoes! I am sure you are wondering what took so long, and to put it simply: I am cheap. I will spend money on a pair of heels but when it comes to running shoes, the idea of spending over 20 dollars just didn't make sense. That was until I got terrible shin splints. My sister (the running guru) told me it was because of my shoes. I did some research and discovered I am an overpronator and my work sneakers were just not safe for running. So, while visiting J we headed to the shoe store and I found a perfect pair of Nikes....for $49!!!! I threw glitter all over the place. I even got a Nike sensor and it is EVERYTHING! I like how my music syncs up with my run and I can track my runs without having to use a separate device.

I have a confession. I have slacked up on my studying for my CCNA. I toyed with the idea of getting a MCSE cert instead, but J advised that would be a huge step down. I had some thinking time and pinpointed what the real problem is. I am lacking patience. That has been my flaw when it comes to executing a plan. I just want to get to the fun part without the work, but as I grow I realize hardworking is going to be the only way that this gets accomplished, so back to the grind tomorrow.

Well.....

My weekend is coming to a close and I must admit I had some much needed relaxation. J and I cooked together tonight. He took me to this really nice grocery store ( I know...lol) and it was EVERTHANG!!! The supermarket had a restaurant/wine bar in the middle of the store and they had a crazy meat section. We found these huge chicken, beef and vegetable kabobs and we got the rest of what I needed to make my pineapple upside down cake. We got home and J threw down on the grill. He did his thing, I should have been paying attention to how he started that fire so fast. Last year my little attempt at grilling was a nice run, but starting the fire was straight up struggle.

These next upcoming weeks are going to be interesting. I FINALLY got running shoes, so I am going to kick it up a little more. I also realized I am attracted to ANY run tracking software. I love looking at my workouts stacked against each other. It has been cool watching my progress over the last two months.

It's been another great weekend.....I'm liking this :)

All That I Can Say

I am taking a minute out of my mini vacay to talk about my night. Now, before I go on let me remind you this is my blog where I talk uncensored about my life and that may from time to time, involved sex. Soooooo.....hit that "x" if it isn't for you.

J gave me LIFE last night!!!!!!!!! I know y'all are wondering when I lost my virginity lol. It was last visit, but the sex was different this time. It was so.....so good! The first time was not bad, it was actually REALLY good. It was that good polite sex you have the first time. Kind of like a test drive. But the second time....we got a little loose...lol. A couple of times I wanted to look at him and just ask, "Are you making love to me, sir????" Yeah....J put it down, and that's all I have to say about that.

In other news, I am seeing some changes in my body and on the scale. I took a look at myself in the mirror and I noticed I was looking a little smaller and when I stepped on the scale I noticed I am 5 pounds from my goal! So I am keeping on with the workouts during the week and my outdoor run.

Well J and I are going to hit the malls and I am baking a cake tonight so we have a little shopping to do!

Unmarried!

Yeah, that's me! Today at 9:38 am I became a legally single woman again. When I signed that decree (with a glitter pen) I felt like I just stepped off a roller-coaster. I wondered all last night if I was going to catch some wave of emotion at the courthouse ( same one where we were married), but it never happened. I almost wanted to hug my lawyer and everyone else in the room when the judge said, "Divorce Granted." I'm free. Though we have a child together I will no longer have anything to do with my ex. What he's doing, how he's doing doesn't mean two damns to me anymore and that's the way I like it.

So, what is Miss Page doing to celebrate? I'm not having a party but I'm going to spend some time with J and enjoy the DMV. Today I closed a painful chapter in life and I will sum up what I learned. NEVER settle when it comes to marriage. It's supposed to be forever and you don't settle when dealing with forever. Getting to know someone's background is important. I was so hot to get married I didn't pay attention to the fact I'd married a man without a stable work history, who had a criminal record, and had a history of being a pathological liar. Watch their actions, because the proof lies there. With that being said, I am not turned off to marriage at all. Love is beautiful when it's done right, and the next time I say "I do", I will be sure it's for the right reasons and that mutual love and respect is in the equation. So, today I'm feeling blessed for a little more wisdom and the new things happening in my life.

Breaking Up With My Fears

It's been a long week y'all! I am looking forward to spending some time with J next weekend and getting out of the area. This trip there will be time for me to connect with some of my friends, one in particular my friend Hazel. Hazel and I share a special bond. Her daughter's father and my ex-husband are cousins. We have share the similar struggle of getting these men to do the right thing by their children. Sadly her daughter's father is deceased and she is raising her daughter solo. Hazel does a beautiful job, as her daughter is well rounded and very talented. I look forward to meeting with her again.

While driving with my mom today, we chatted a little bit and when I started talking about J, she asked when they were going to meet him (again). This is a difficult thing for me for a few reasons: 1) My mom is tough when it comes to men we date. As a parent I understand, but I am 31 years old. As long as I'm happy she should be happy. 2) Most men I have dated have not wanted to meet my family. To the extent that they would get down right irritated if I asked. I would later learn that meant they weren't worth a damn and knew my family would be able to see it. 3) Meeting of the parents is a big deal. So, there you have it. Once again fear is ruling an I am scared if I ask J I may get result # 2 because of result #3.

Hello, my name is Victoria and I'm a runner. I have been really going in at the gym during the week so I can endurance and strength for my first 5k. I run a local trail every Saturday with Black Girls Run, and my time was slowly decreasing, but once I turned up the heat in the gym, I was able to shave FIVE MINUTES off my time. The best part was I ran without stopping and I am feeling kinda confident. The "kinda" part is what is holding me back. I am scheduled to run my first 5k on the 31st and I'm scared y'all. I'm scared I won't finish, scared I won't be able to finish, scared I'll suck. I backed out of a race last month for these same reasons. I am going to have to shake that fear because I want to accomplish this. Finish something in my life. So this upcoming week I am going to keep pushing despite that nagging fear in my gut. I can't be scared forever and fear is not going to keep me from enjoying life. If I'm wack at the race then so be it. I'll just be better next time.

My books are calling my name and so is my bed and it's a tug of war in my mind on which one will win. Goodnight!

Miss Page....I Specialize in Results!

The journey to a healthier me is certainly teaching me a lot about myself. I never realized how strong I was and how I am capable of motivating myself when needed. I am also discovering that music and running go hand and hand for me. Tonight, Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" came on my iPod and I just started kicking ass on the treadmill. When she began singing "I don't wanna be friends" I pounded the treadmill even harder. All the frustration of relationships where me have left me in the "friend zone" just dissipated. It felt damn good. I've said it once and I'll say it again, running is helping me conquer some of my demons. The second thing I'm loving is the eight pound weight loss! I am not a scale person because the drama with the scale is too much pressure. I would rather go by how my clothes fit. Last weekend, while I was at my moms house I decided to step on the scale and I was surprised to see I had lost eight pounds! My clothes have been fitting better and I am pleased.

There is not much else to report, between studying and taking care of my kids I have been busy with that. I am looking forward to seeing J next weekend, we are checking out an all female GoGo band and I can't wait to let my hair down and have fun. Till next time! xoxoxo

T.R.O.Y

My relationship with my father has always been a very odd one. We have never shared the "Daddy's Girl" type bond. I have always felt like he just kinda tolerated me and that was that. I can't help but to feel that I have been some kind of disappointment to him. I dropped out of college, had two children; one out of wedlock and a tumultuous failed marriage. I never lived up to all that he hoped I'd be and somewhere along the line we both just quit each other. Now, don't get it twisted, we love one another but we don't really talk a lot, even when we're in the same space. I have been at my parents house for the weekend and we have probably said 10 words to each other. Today while the house was quiet I sat on the floor in the room over the garage and thumbed through my dad's photo albums from back when he was stationed in Guam before I was born. It was interesting seeing my father in a different light. There were pictures of get togethers with his friends that lasted into the wee hours. Food, liquor and good friends...sounds like my type of time. I also good tell from his newspaper clippings he was very concerned with the politics of Guam and the Vietnamese refugee situation. For that moment I realized that we had things in common....if this was back then. Now all we have in common are disappointments and broken dreams. As my father gets up in age, I am coming to terms that my sister will be the keeper of all of daddy's stories and anecdotes and I will have to piece together what my father was like with pictures and secondhand accounts.it hurts but this is a reality I have to deal with. I'm praying that we are able to fix this before one of us leaves this earth....

Showing Your Hand

PMS is no damn joke. Today I had what my sister and I like to call a "Mariah Carey moment." To explain, a Mariah Carey moment refers to the time she went batshit crazy on MTV almost performing a striptease with her Hello Kitty boom box in tow. FYI I don't think there is anything funny about public nervous breakdowns, but you catch my drift. She had reached a crazy point in her life and didn't care who saw. Ladies and gentlemen, today, J witnessed his very first hormone laden Mariah Carey moment courtesy of me. We were talking on Facebook chat and I was feeling all warm, fuzzy and emotional and I told him I missed him. He didn't respond and y'all in those five minutes I just balled up inside. So, now I'm feeling sorry for myself and messages back that I was sorry (?) maybe that was too much too soon. Chile, he responded for me to relax he had just stepped away from his computer. Em-barassing. The PMS fairy won that round. She succeeded in making me look crazy in 10 minutes. I was mad at myself, who apologizes for their emotions???? That is what 1996-2011 Victoria did. Anyway this is the exact reason why I avoid people before my period. All that raw emotion is too much!

Other than sounding like Babyface on Facebook chat, I haven't had much excitement other than studying and working out. I am proud to say I am down five pounds and my clothes are fitting better. My natural hair journey is going well, I am loving the connivence of being able to wash my hair in the morning. I also like that when it rains not two darns are given because if it rains my hair will be fine.

That's all for now! Xoxox