10 Things About Me

I know I detail a lot of my personal life on my blog, but it doesn't give a clear picture to some of the other facets of my life that don't include the travails of being a single mother.

1. I LOVE Hip-Hop. No, I REALLY love hip-hop. Not only do I love this genre I am known by a lot of my friends to be able to pull really obscure songs and artist from up out of nowhere. My favorite era of hip-hop is from the years of 1994-1997. I mark this time as the "Golden Age of Hip-Hop." During this time you needed sheer TALENT to get on. No co-signs, no special appearances by the artist du jour...you needed talent. This was also the years of Preemo, Pete Rock, RZA, etc. now THEY are what I consider as super producers.
   
2. My life is not as sad as depicted at times in this blog. I am really a happy person, I just have my down times. Remember, I do the work of three people. I am a mama and a daddy (two times). So while blog wise you may want to just put me out of my misery, I really do throw glitter and twirl more often than not.
3. I am a chubby chaser. As I moved into my late 20's I no longer wanted a man that was cut up like a bag of dope. I think it all started with the tasty phenomenon that was Bone Crusher. He would run across that stage all bravado, shirt off, manitties swinging, just turning.me.on. It's nothing like cuddling with a man with a belly.
   
4. I represent the Lollipop Guild (it is NOT "kids" as many people think). I love 'em short. No awkward kisses or hugging someones torso.
   
5. I have never seen "Boomerang". Go ahead...I'll wait while you collect yourself. Boomerang came out when I was a pre-teen and I remember why all my friends had seen it (?) my daddy laid the law down and said HELL NAW. So, for some reason all the way into my adulthood I just haven't watched it because I was scared maybe it was so elicit I wouldn't want to watch it. *note to self: add "Boomerang" to Netflix queue.
   
6. I was supposed to marry a preacher. No really, April 2008. But it didn't happen. Long story
7. I am irked by people who murder the English language. Just so it is known, I go around with an imaginary red pen and in my head I edit people's text messages, Facebook statuses, tweets, and emails. Yup, I am judging your grammar.
   
8. I don't like going to clubs. It took me a long time to admit this, but I am gonna just say it. I don't like it. Maybe it's my age or whatever, but going to a club is just not my thing anymore. I can tell you what a typical time for me in the club is: I get all amped up to go, get dressed, beat my face within a inch of my life, hop in my car, field a bunch of text messages from the people I am going with, get to the club, have approximately 3 drinks, dance a little bit, talk trash with my girls, and then I am either ready to a) sit my ass down or b) go to bed. Ask me what time all this takes place? Midnight. Yup, I'm one of those. I my stay at the club is roughly 2-3 hours. This is why I stick to happy hours.
9. I eat a lot of "struggle meals" and I am not struggling. I love oodles of noodles (roasted chicken flavor), baloney sandwiches, and red kool aid. Why? It's easy to "cook".
10. When my kids are grown and out of my house, I will be moving to a condo in Boca Raton, where I will be botoxed within an inch of my life. I'll date pool boys and rich old men. That is the plan...lol.

The Children Are Our Future

Raising children is serious business. You are shaping a young person to hopefully becoming a productive member of society. The pressure to make sure they succeed is so great that it can almost be overwhelming. This is one time in my life, I can't half step, I can't quit I have to keep pushing....I just don't want them to become....me.

I spent the majority of my elementary and middle school years being bullied and teased. My daughter is the same age I was when the teasing started with me and I am terrified. The thought of someone damaging my daughters self esteem causes me so much anxiety I can't even sleep. I toss and turn wondering if I instilled enough confidence in her. I feel guilty because instead of taking that job seriously I played around, got married to a dbag, put her on the back burner to save a ship that was already sinking and now she is in a pivotal time in her development and I feel like I didn't give her the right tools to deal with bullies and hurtful people. I guess it is because I never got those tools so I don't know what to tell her. I hate myself for all the times I spent partying when I could have spent time doing things with her to help build her self esteem. For all the times I ditched her so I could hang with my "man du jour" I feel sick. I messed up. I don't know how to fix this. 4 years ago I did not take the responsibility of motherhood and now I am paying for it. I just pray that I can take my daughter through these years and help her remember that she is loved and she doesn't need to find acceptance in any one because I accept her and I love her.

I'll Take You There....

It's been a minute since I blogged about my dating life, but let's get to it:

You're Married. Thanks For the Memo

A while back I met this man via Facebook (gotta stop doing that) and he seemed really cool at the time. We would talk about the goodness of God, our goals and ambitions, and he was really digging me. Over time he became more aggressive about "being with me". This sent up red flags everywhere. I am a firm believer that people who are pushy about locking you down usually have some issues, and they want to hook you before you can figure out what it is. I finally broke down and let this man into my life a little and after spending more time together I decided that he really wasn't the one for me. So in my mind I just let it die out and I kept my communication with him to a dull minimum. Fast forward to last Saturday I get a message from him on FB responding to a message I sent eons ago telling me that we couldn't have a future because he's a married man. Yes. Married. Get there. So my response was, "OK, why didn't you say something before?" He said he just didn't but he is doing right and he can't deal with me anymore. OK, cool. Why am I not fazed? He and I have not spoken in almost two months and it's been even longer since I have seen him. What the fuck brought all that on? I promptly deleted him because clearly he is delusional and he's a liar. I hope he doesn't think I was sitting around waiting for him because I clearly have moved on.

Georgia on my Mind

I told you all a little bit about Georgia. We have been seeing each other for the last 3 months and I have to say, I really enjoy his company. When we are together everything is really low key and easy. We cuddle, watch movies, crack jokes and have a great time together. He is definately first round draft pick material. We shall see though.....

Broken Friendships

I have two best friends. One in Georgia and one here. Relations with my friend here are strained at best. I don't know what went wrong but we have somehow become strangers. It hurts sometimes but I am old enough to know that sometimes that is the circle of life. Nothing last forever. People change, their priorities change and sometimes friendships get lost in that.

Weight Loss

I saw myself naked in the mirror today. No Bueno. I hit the gym every now and again, but I am realizing that in order to really get toned and healthy, I am going to need to devote three days a week and I have to do serious cardio. I am vain and I hate sweating, but I want to look good in my clothes. I want to feel confident about my body and right now I don't.

Randoms

My eyelash fetish is out of control. Yes, I have turned into that woman that doesn't leave the house without them. They just really add something to my face. I have become a master at putting them on. Hell, I am able to do it with Chunky milling about crying over me not reading "Good Night Moon".

Career

That OSHA certification came in handy. The house next to me is being renovated and I made a comment today regarding the removal of the the fiberglass insulation. The foreman asked where I got all this information from and I told him I used to work in safety and we are now in talks for me to do safety checks on some of his upcoming jobs. That will be some money in the bank.

I can't say life is completely great right now, but I just keep in my head that everyday will get better and all that is happening is part of a bigger plan. Stay tuned.....

The Old Settler

Tonight I am baby free for the first time in awhile. You would think that I would use this time to go out, but I spent my time running errands and cleaning up the house. It is amazing what you can do when you do not have a one year old underfoot. After 4 hours of cleaning I can say I have the neatest refrigerator and the cleanest living room. Ever.

I concluded my night watching Jumping the Broom with a gentleman caller (we shall call him Georgia). That movie brought to surface a lot of different emotions in me. First off, I love my son to life. As much as I love him, I think my diligence in keeping him a baby is going to be a problem later on in life. Children do not belong to us. My job is to raise Chunky and Beasley to be the best people they can be and then let them off into the world to be productive adults. I have a hard time doing this with Chunky. I am so scared of all the trouble that awaits him in the world. It would kill me if he ended up spending most of his life in some one's prison or being a deadbeat dad to a bunch of kids. The statistics all say that this is how his life may end up. Chunky's relationship with his father is non-existent so I am afraid that the lack of male influence will cause him to act out in other ways. I do a good job playing both parents, but it's nothing like the real thing. That being said, I still can't hold on to him so tight that I cripple his development. I was crushed this evening when Chunky stated (in toddler fashion) that he would rather go home with my mom than me. It left me feeling sad. He has always been about his mama...now he found someone new he loves...and the Chunky pie divides. It will keep dividing as he grows and forms new relationships. Chunky is not my husband. He has a life to live and he's gonna live it. Besides, I should not be new to this: Miss Beasley had to grow up and I treated her like Nemo for the first 4 years of her life.

Waiting For That Break

Uuuuuuggggghhhh....I have missed blogging! I have been having a serious case of writers block and I have not been able to pull it together. But I am back and ready to write.

Can I express how hard it is to maintain daycare for two kids? It's real hard. It's even harder for me at this stage because Chunky is under 2 and he is not potty trained. Last week I spent a great deal of time: 1) Wanting him to grow up 2) Use the potty.

I am still on the hunt for that perfect job. As many of you know I used to work at a major hospital in this area. I left that hospital in 2008 for a job with the city and lets just say it has been down hill since then. I have applied for a few positions with them and on Monday, I FINALLY got a call back for an interview. It's today at 12 and I am excited. The plus about this position is my commute will be a lot shorter than it used to be. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get this job.

Not much else to report, but I will be back for some commentary on a new show I have fell in love with called Downsized. It's on WeTV and the second season starts in August. xoxoxo

Top 5 Ways to Guarentee You will Never Date Me

I am still navigating the ninth ring of hell called "dating". Here are some deal breakers for me:

1. Talking about my ass in a conversation. Yes, I know. God blessed me with a nice donk. I've had it since I was 17. It was cool to talk about then, but I'M 30 EFFIN YEARS OLD! The first time I hear the words "I ain't know you had ass like that", I shut down. I am more than my booty. It's unattractive when men my age comment....it makes them sound like a horny high schooler...so unattractive.
2. Trying to pass of a night of "chilling at the crib" as a date. This only works after we are in an established relationship. But if we are just starting out, my idea of a date (which if you are a single mom means a lot of effort was put forth to be free). is going out to dinner, taking a walk on the beach and buying me Coldstone afterwards, taking me to a musuem, etc. I do not want the culmination of my night to be drinking tequila and watching "Friday"
3. Try to have sex with me. Again, I am 30 now. A lady doesn't divulge all her secrets but after two babies and some wild times in my 20's, I would like to conserve the milage put on my gentleman greeter. If the time is right I will let you know and we can take it from there.
4. Getting mad with me because I won't just abandon my kids so I can hang out with you all the time. This also goes with friends. I am a single mom. I work eight hours a day Monday-Friday. I spend minimal time with my babies during the week. I feel like a pretty shitty mom if I choose to spend time with a man over spending time with them.
5. Stringing me along. Don't text me all these sweet nothings and then I find out that you are using me to get over someone else. I am on the quest for a man that I can build with. I am beyond that point in my life where I need to be the primary not the secondary. I spent my 20's loving a bunch of emotionally unavailable men. If the feelings are not mutual, lets go our separate ways and not waste our time.

And that's that.......if I found a man that could consistantly follow these rules my dating life would be golden!

Randoms.....

Just some randoms....

• I love my oil burner and the smell of lavender oil...it is THE BEST!!!!
• Laughter is the best medicine for the blues. The past couple of days this week I have been feeling a little low and Red Velvet would call and we would get on that phone and LAUGH!!! I am talking 3 hours of laughing....classic
• I know that I have spoken against this.....buuuuutttt.....I LOVE FALSE LASHES!!!! I think I secretly hated them because I did not know how to apply them. I like the way they look on me, but I do have requirements. I only use the type that are strips but sparse. I HATE the look of mini tarantulas on someone's eyes. I just want them to enhance not over power
• Being a single mom is HOARD!!!!!!!! But it's the most rewarding job ever. I love seeing the smiles on my children's faces
• After complaining about not having any friends in my neighborhood, and today while making my bi-weekly run to get diapers I ran into one of my old friends and she lives IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!! We are hanging out tomorrow night to catch up!
• I thank God for the friendships in my life. I am happy that I have learned to be a better listener (I used to be the Toni Childs of friendships).
  
• What is the protocol for dealing with someone you meet that you found out was "kinda a big deal" back in the day. I work with a young lady who after friending her on Facebook discovered she used to be a video model (not using that other term...it's not nice) aaaannnd I found out that she was a primary in Common's "Go" video. I think it's awesome. She never talks about it....but I think it's neat.
  
• Will it ever get easier?
• Stress will rob you of your appetite and smile....no bueno.
• I think women who take their shoes off in the club and walk around barefoot are gross. That is all
• Call center culture is just.....smh
• Am I too young to be researching liquid facelifts?
  
• Why did my daughter's father have to be threatened with 60 days in jail before he would pay child support? Didn't I ask him to do the same thing 3 months ago? It makes me sad he would follow the instruction of a stranger before the mother of his child.

Well that was a very satisfying brain dump...lol...thanks for reading xoxox