Friday, December 31, 2010

End of Year Wrap Up.......

Well, it's the end of 2010 and I have some things that I would just like to get off my chest:
  • The final verdict on "The Friend": He has got to go. It is clear that he is not apart of the solution so he must be part of the problem. I have learned a lesson in this little "relationship" and it is to trust yourself. If you know you are not ready, don't jump in. I am just too emotionally fragile right now to handle all that comes with loving a dbag. C'est la vie.
  • OMG....for all the people who work outside: I SALUTE YOU!!!! As a safety manager, I basically baby-sit grown folks and make sure they don't kill themselves on the vessel. I went to the job site today because I felt it was beneficial for me to go through a day in the life of these guys. I climbed through holes, I stood out in the cold, and I was scared. The ship is a big old hazard waiting to happen if you are not careful or the conditions are not right. I had to leave early because they started grinding paint and I did not have a respirator. Put that on my to-do list.
  • It is time to update the iPod. While I love the musings of Radric Davis at times, I must say it is time to let him
  • The goal for 2011 is happiness. Which is the whole theme of my year. In the words of my husband, Scott Mescudi (lollerskates) I'm on the pursuit of happiness
Well many people have been asking me what my plans are for tonight. They did include going out with my friend who I will call, Hollywood, but as always I have no sitter. So I did what I do best, bought a bottle (Malibu) and some Simply Orange and I am hanging home with the kids. I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years Eve, and I am looking forward to moving onward and upward with my life. Xoxoxo!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Lost in the World....

I wish there was a reset button that you could press and just start your day over. Remember all those happy little bullet points that I posted that were going to make my evening better than my day? Cross every last one of them off. No spaghetti, no Miss Beasley, no ambien, just nothing. When I got home all I could think of is what a fuck up my life has been. You know what the worst part is? My children can tell. Miss Beasley doesn't even want to come back home and I don't blame her. There isn't anything to come home to. If you were given the choice of living life without having to be in "survival mode" for 90% of the time wouldn't you take it? Who the hell wants to come home to a mama in a fustrated mood over her lack of funds? I don't blame her. Runaway Miss Beasley as fast as you can. Poor Chunky has no to run to. I feel the worst for him. He was dealt a raw hand in life. A depressed mama and a lazy daddy. My sister was right. He needs an advocate.

The deal is this y'all. I am tired. I am tired of fighting every. single. day. I am waiting for that time in my life where I get to coast. I am tired of looking at the happy from the outside looking in. I have spent the last 20 years of my life doing that. I pray 2011 is better because if not, in the words of Radric Davis....I might don't make it...

Update: We can cross one of those things off the list :) God is good :)

I Just Wanted To Add....

That there will be no amateur night at Atlantis either....I have an ultra professional job and it would be JUST my luck that someone from work would be there.....and my job is not a "woman's job" and doing some shit like that would make my professional life 10 times harder....sooooo.....I guess we can just call exotic dancing my dream deferred.....I will stick to pole dancing

How Did I Get Here?

Well, today started out good enough. I had plans with my $193.00 left in the bank. I was gonna give my rental office 100, I was gonna pay 60 to my son's daycare and the rest was going to my meds(put a pin in that) and maybe a 5 dollar bottle of moscato. Welp, all of that came crashing down because all I really have is 60 dollars...So none of the aforementioned is going to happen. Which means, there will be a late notice on my door, I will be dodging the daycare folk until Friday morning, and I wish I would buy some moscato and my other ish ain't paid. The meds? Can't sacrifice those. Hi I'm Victoria Page, and I suffer from depression. I have Medicaid so I don't have to pay an astronomical co-pay, just a couple of dollars, but the meds stay in the picture. If not....let's just try not to picture that.

So right now the word of the day is: breathe. I have to tell myself that every time I feel that hot frustration rising up in my chest when I realize that I have so much to do and so little resources to do it with. I want to cry but shit, I am all out of I am learning that crying never solves anything you just end up wasting energy...

The snow really messed with my money. Seeing that I have not been here full time for 90 days I don't get to use that 6 hours of PTO that I have accrued....I could really use that right now because I didn't get paid for Monday and I won't be getting paid for Friday, which means that I will real short in my check. *wall slide* The problem with making more money, is when you are hourly, and you miss a day you take a bigger hit. When I was making 9 dollars an hour missing a day (72 dollars) didn't really kill me, but now? If I miss a day I take a 125 dollar loss in my good.

Well, I have whined all I can....I have some good things that I can reflect on at this time:

  • My babies!!!! They will both be home tonight so I am making Miss Beasley's favorite--spaghetti! I look forward to laughing with them :)
  • Ambien will allow me to fall asleep no 2:30 am episodes of Robot Chicken for me!
  • I have been through worst. Living without lights? Check. Car Repo'd Twice? Check. Verbally Abusive husband? Check. Jilted at the alter? Check. Almost getting evicted? Check. So, me coming up a little short is not going to kill me....just gotta fight to see another day.....xoxoxo!

****For those that want to know....the shortage came from some balance I supposedly owed Enterprise...sheesh....

Monday, December 27, 2010


Howdy! Still snowed in. Still wishing I could drink a Nyquil milkshake....Laaaaaawd why does it seem like the day is never going to end? I will not lie, I can't wait to go back to work.

  • Being snowed in has brought out my inner Precious. At this very moment I am eating an ice cream cookie sandwich from Tar-jay. Better. Than. Sex. Y'all know me, so that is saying A LOT.
  • Me and my son danced to T.O.N.Y. by Solange this morning....I think that will be our new cardio song
  • I really wish I was at my mama's house right now
  • I am snowed in with the "Friend". I thought you were supposed to have sex on a snow day....yeah not happening over here.
  • I mopped my kitchen floor and steam cleaned my carpets!!!
  • I shoveled my own car from out of the snow!!!!
  • I want to go to Target, but I know as soon as I go, UPS is going to show up with my new phone.
  • Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive
That's all....I think I have gone crazy from being in this house but y'all know I was crazy already ;) xoxoxo

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Song of The Evening.....sometimes there's nothing wrong with waiting ;)

If My Child Was On 16 and Pregnant....

So, I was sitting at the table tonight eating dinner with Chunky and for some reason the show 16 and Pregnant came into my head. Now, if you must know, this show is MANDATORY watching for both of my kids...yup the seven and one year old have to watch it. I make my daughter watch it because I want to show her how one bad choice can derail your plans. I always make a point to note to her that it is going to be hard for these young ladies to go to college (College is her life dream...she already has one picked out--James Madison). I give my son lectures on condom use and becoming a manwhore. I just want my children to make good choices. So any who, I was looking at my son drinking his little juice box and I started to daydream about him going to college and GRADUATING(Mama never did that and his daddy doesn't even have a high school diploma) but then all of a sudden, this popped into my mind. What if he makes it to that point and has to give up going to college because he wasn't responsible?? What would I do? My answer is this: take his fucking head off. Yup. Y'all read that right. Goes for Gabby too. I know now why my parents have "that" look in their eyes when I fuck up. I have sacrificed EVERYTHING for my kids. I have stolen and lied for them. I have worked day for day at jobs were my intelligence and integrity were insulted just so they could have a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs, and as a parent, all I want them to do is to get their education and be self sufficient adults. To my daughter: You have all the time in the world to have a boyfriend or husband....your education will never leave you or break your heart. To my son: Be a better man than your father. Don't end up 40 years old without an education mooching off of women. To the both of them: Be better than me. I wanna see you two fly......roots and wings my babies....xoxoxo

Solange - T.O.N.Y..

When All Else Fails....Do Some Hoe Shit....

Can I just express right now that I feel like relationships and love is for suckers? With the exception of my son, people with penises are on my list of people I hate. First off, my ex-husband has had some kind of epiphany that our son is not his. Yeah...take your time with that one. How did he come to this conclusion? He was served with child support papers. What a lame and childish move. But nonetheless, me and Chunky will be down at DSCE cheeks ready for the swabbing. My ex-husband is in the muthafucking way...

Now, remember "The Friend"? Yeah, he's a douchebag. I sure do know how to pick 'em. I am still trying to figure out his purpose in my life because the shit that has been going on lately has me scratching my head. He has moved out of the bedroom and has parked his ass on my couch with his laptop....and that is where he stays. While on the couch, he likes to call out all of my parenting flaws and anything he can find wrong with me. Our "relationship" is like this clip from The Boondocks. He would be the dude around the 1:06 mark. Complete with the borrowing your car line. Then he claims he doesn't live here, but I looked in my closet this morning and I swear on my hood (lollerskates) all his shit was in my closet. I know my ass was running around here talking about being broken hearted, but shit...I want my space back. I want to chill in my living room listening to pandora. I can't because there is SOMEONE ON MY FUCKING with all that being said, I am done with men. No, I am not going to start playing for the other team (though I am thisclose to doing just that) I just don't feel like being bothered. I don't think it is the cards for me to be in a relationship or even be entertaining one for a myriad of reasons.....sheesh..rant over...xoxoxoxo

SN: I never posted about the hoe am going to dance at Atlantis for Amateur know there will be a story to tell...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

It's. About. To. Go. Down.......

If They Sold that Ish in Cans.....

So, I commited Facebook hari kari.....I deleted my page for a minute. I feel like it was robbing me of my blogging content. What's the point of the blog, if I am already spilling the beans on FB? So, it was time to take a break.

Well, me and the Friend have been consumating a little bit more. May I get a little nassy with y'all? Of course...this is me straight no chaser. Saturday I was putting my makeup on getting ready for Miss Beasley's birthday party and the next thing I know he is standing there in the bathroom doorway and he closes the door.....he bent me over the sink,,,and sweet Jesus, he made that first stroke the best stroke....then he picked me up and put me on the sink and proceded to make my body feel better than it has felt in a LONG time. The best part? Right before he came, he whispered in my ear: "I love you". I wanted to do a *sink slide* right there. It was just REALLY good sex....I went to that party with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

I am no longer ashamed to say it. I love sex. I mean, I REALLY love sex. It was a time when I was ashamed to say that because my generation equated women who liked sex with a hoe. But I will tell you what I am: A freak. I like my sex a little naughty and nice. Hoes are about quantity, freaks are about quality.

In work news, it seems like everyone and their mama is getting hurt, therefore causing me to waddle through an ass of paperwork and critiques. I see I am finally earning my But to be honest, I am meeting some real cuties on this job. I love hitting up the deckplate because there is some serious eye candy going down over there...and they all meet my first requirement: they are employed. There is one eletrician working for us that is just FINE!!! When I had to go to the critique yesterday, I had the privilage of sitting next to, and I think I spent more time looking at him than listening about a ship fire. I think I just becoming aware of all the possibilities since I have let go of my ex husband. At one time I thought that unemployed, verbally abusive fool was the best that I could get, but I am starting to see I can do WAAAAAAYYY better. I can't help it if I am excited for my divorce is final so I can really find the man that I deserve, or better yet find chapters in life are fun! xoxoxoxo

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Return of Crazy Bitch and Snow? I Think.....

Oooooh what a morning it has been!!!! The Good: They are calling for lots of snow, and they canceled school and it was optional whether or not if we wanted to come to work. The Bad: They called for snow and canceled school and I had 4 diapers left in the house and 0 dollars to my name. This caused the Crazy Bitch to show up in all her glory....I just remember being real mad (Joe Jackson), ordering my children to get dressed and taking Chunky to Food Lion with NO shoes on (he had on socks). You know why I was mad? Because I had to do something illegal to get Chunky's diapers. I will not say what, but I think we can all gather. It makes me so frustrated that I am stuck here making these hard ass decisions, like whether or not I want to go to jail and risk my clearance over a 6 dollar pack of diapers, but my ex-husband and daughter's father are out there living life carefree. If I had a gun, I would have probably drove to Hampton and shot my ex-husband in the face on sight. But then again who wins there? You know what the bad part was? The "Friend" was here. Watching all of it. He judged me and told me I don't care about my kids. Well, I guess that is easy to say from behind a laptop perched up on the couch....My point is this: Until you have been a single parent with an uncooperative baby mama/daddy, then you can't make judgments.

Since I will be locked in this house most of the day, I will more than likely work on reviewing Kanye's album, smoking cigarettes, and sleeping when I can. Good day! xoxoxo

Monday, December 13, 2010

Oh Really?

Oh really, day job? Y'all just had a major meeting on Sunday and nobody called me? But in today's meeting I am supposed to get all this major stuff done on short notice? Booooooo.....poor planning on your part will never create an emergency on mine. Ugh.

Have you ever had a text argument with someone and they are responding like they have an audience reading what they are responding, but they aren't showing the other person your responses? For example:

Me: Could you sign the separation agreement so I can get on with my life?

Ex-husband:I don't want you anymore. Put that on your separation agreement

Me: Ummmmm.....I put YOU out....because I didn't want YOU...but um...are you gonna help with your son's Christmas?

Ex-husband: I didn't lay down with your family. I laid down with you.

Me: *making the WTF face*

Really? I think his whole purpose was to evade the child support question. But that's okay. He should really know that I am not a, I printed out what I needed and turned that situation over to DSCE. Yup, turned his black ass into the "people". But you know what? I have been in that system for almost 6 years now, and I can tell you, that they work for the good of the father. My daughter's father is 18k behind. When I call and complain, they tell me they will send him a letter. You know what he is gonna do with that letter? Look at it and say, "I don't have it." Sheesh...I wish I could just say that and somebody else took care of my responsibilities. *Kanye Shrug*

Speaking of Mr. West, eventually I am gonna get to his album review, it's just tonight I am not in that kind of mood. SN: On a random note, my neighbors must be buffalo because they move around upstairs like it.

I have a full bottle of moscato in my fridge, but to be honest, after Crazy Bitch showed up, I am scared as hell to drink a glass. I might....but then again I might not.

Tomorrow my baby girl is going to be 7. I cannot believe it has been seven years since she has been born. I remember bringing home this little screaming bundle that gave me a run for my money. She turned into my best friend, and me and her grew up together. She was there for some of my happiest and proudest moments. I remember looking at her when she was a baby and wondering what she would be. Seven years later I would have never guessed she would be a smart little girl who loves to read, draw and has dreams of being a veterinarian and an artist. She has made me so proud and I am so glad I am her mom and she is my daughter.

Well, I have decided to have a small glass of moscato and then turn in.....I'll let you know if Crazy Bitch shows up.....but what I am really looking for is some consummation from "My Friend". He and I have had a good hasn't been tense like it's been the last couple of days....xoxoxoxo

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Do You Like The Things That Life Is Showing You......'s been awhile and I guess my first order of business is to tie up the loose ends that I kinda left hanging when I took a little hiatus. First, I am getting a divorce. Yes, ladies and was time. I had been called names one too many times, and my heart was turning into an icebox *in my Omarion voice* where my heart used to be. Plus, I could do bad by myself (put a pin in that one, we are gonna come back to that). I gave up on my first junior cougar mission, after it became apparent that all he was good for was....fucking. That was it, and I am in a part of my life where I need just a little bit more. Not much more, like a husband, but someone I can have a decent conversation with. Furthermore, little homie thought the rest haven for wayward men had just opened up. Soon the text messages began to be exactly like this:

Him: Good Morning
Me: Good Morning Handsome
Him: I wanna fuck you so bad
Me: I want you too.....I miss me some "T" in the morning
Him: Can I hold some money?
Me: *making the WTF" face
I mean, really? Really? It didn't take too long for me to figure out he wanted a sugarmama, and that I am not. Shit, I have two kids. If you aren't them, then, I can't help you.

In other news, since letting my husband go, my finances took a big ole hit. It's nothing I can't handle because I have been doing this single parent thing for a minute. But if any of you followed my blog back in 2005, you will remember I bought my first "new-new" car. Yeah, "New-New" got repo'd. *insert gasp* I'll wait for you to compose yourselves. And to make it worse it was at work when they did it...and my ass w:s screaming like a maniac. I always watch Repo Wars and always said I would act dignified, but my ass was literally about to jump in the car to keep him from taking it. To make a long story short, I had to ride with a long winded co-worker for a few days, rented a Dodge Charger (rolling like a big and then eventually chunkin' Enterprise the deuces and now I am all settled in my 1990(yeah you read that right) Honda Accord--for now. I guess it's good tax time is coming so I can upgrade, but then again I am loving this little-to-no car payment thing I have going and I have never had insurance in the double digits!!!

I guess the next question would be, have I found someone? The answer to that is: Kinda. I don't really know what to call us...but we have consummated a whole lot of times (but not lately....put a pin in that one) we hang out...but lately its been kinda....meh. The consummation? Has dwindled down to nothing.....he said it is because he has not been in the mood and he wants to get to know me and not my vag-jay-jay(yeah I just did that)....but I have a feeling that may not be the case. First, this man's profession requires him to spend about 45% of his time in the club (and I am not making that percentage nerdy ass just calculated it), second because of his popularity I have seen females throw themselves at him left and right (when I say seen, I mean with my own two eyes) and I don't know any man to turn down that much pussy. But he says sleeping with a woman he meets in the club is like sleeping with people at your workplace and he wouldn't do that. I guess. Only time will tell.

On the mental health front, I need to get control of my PMS or something. This week I spent one night crying, drinking moscato, and listening to sad music (while the new friend was here...ugh) . It was really bad. And when I got to work the next day? Bam. There was Aunt Flo. Why Aunt Flo must you turn me into a Crazy Bitch? I am serious...shit, I am scared of who ever the fuck that was that showed up that day. I don't even KNOW why I was UPSET!!!! I just was. I need to get that fixed STAT, because if I don't I am gonna end up alone, talking to my two cats in my hoarded house.

Well, that's all I have tonight, but I look forward to blogging being a better outlet, than Facebook or hell even Twitter. Maybe this will keep the Crazy Bitch from popping up next month. Till next time...xoxoxo!

Sunday, July 25, 2010


I am really losing this battle with smoking. I wish I never picked up this habit 9 years ago. I feel like maybe my relatives should be gathered in hotel room holding speeches on how my smoking has affected them. But I am starting over *pops a piece of nicorette*

I am done looking for ways to spice up my life. Looking for excitement in all the wrong places has not been a good look for me in the past and it isn't turning out to be a good look for me now. It's time to just appreciate the good things that are going in my life and just work on that. I have a roof over my head, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are healthy and happy, and even without a job I have been keeping my head above water.

Speaking of being unemployed, this little work free vacay has given me the opportunity to tap into a lot of my talents that I have kinda let lay dormant. For instance, I did not know you could get paid to write erotic fiction. Yessir, some people average about 100-200 a story. Well, as the queen of sexting (lollerskates) I am going to throw my hat into the ring and see what happens. I like to write and I like sex, it's a win-win. I have also decided to maybe try my hand at bar tending. I don't mean at a bar, just mainly for private parties and such. You can really clean up at a wedding or these invite only pool parties that seem to be popping up all over the city. Of course there is also my hair hustle. I don't mean to brag, but I do a mean blow out and I am on my way to becoming a licensed cougar groomer. Yup, when life hands me lemons I make lemonade. My mind is becoming open to so many possibilities and I like it.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Another Again....

You know how you have a gut feeling that something you did was the wrong damn thing? Yeah, follow that. I didn't and now I am in the eye of a storm of fuckery. Well, I decided to get me a little 22 year old sidepiece and that shit is blowing up in my face BIG time. Yesterday I was just listening to some side conversation about this individual and it turns out this muthafucka is the biggest manwhore on the east coast. He has had sex with a large amount of girls on days at school and a few on nights. He has three kids, one of those kids being born just a month ago. I can't lie, I feel foolish as a hell. I know it was supposed to be a fling, but somehow I can't help but to feel like a link in the chain or a notch in his belt so to speak. So needless to say last night was spent emptying a bottle of moscato, chain smoking and popping sleeping pills. I am going to give myself 24 hours to get over this and I am moving on. I guess it just makes more sense to stick with the devil you know.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Can you Hear Me Jose? It's Me, Victoria

I have a lot to say but I will get to all that later....

  • 22 year old has broken my heart
I went on FB and he was talking about how he is all on top of the fucking mountain top of fucking happiness and glitter and ponies and unicorns and shit. I know this boy was NOT talking about me. So now I am here all butt hurt about the shit when I shouldn't give a fuck because I am ahem...married as a mother fucker. So now I feel like hooking back up with my good friend "Marlboro Menthol", getting a bottle of tequila, and crawling in my bed while Donnie Hathaway plays in the background. But I can't because I gotta cook and I didn't take Chunk to daycare so now I am just stuck here ready to go down into a ring of fire. Note to self: 22 year olds lead to 22 year old heartbreak. There is a reason I am happy to turn 30.

  • Florida was awesome!
I could have just vacationed at the airport! The Orlando airport is beautiful. The shopping was just awesome(well window shopping). The weather was good and I was extra happy because I did not run into any lizards or snakes which would have scared the beejeezus out of me.

  • Quitting smoking is harder than giving up tree
Nicotine should be illegal because right now, I would probably do something strange for a

Well, my baby is up and I think he has ripped one of the slats on the blinds in his room.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So...Am I A Cougar Now?

Since I am in the unhappiest marriage ever, I decided to do something about it. First understand my husband and I are POLAR opposites when it comes to a lot of things one of those things being sex. I am a Scorpio woman and well, I like sex. Lots of it. And I like my sex extra freaky. My husband? He would do wonderfully in the 1950's.

I like a little hair pulling and ass slapping every now and again and he just doesn't get into that. I like a man that can be gentle but I like that aggression from time to time. Weird, I know.

But I am getting off track. Seeing that I am the most sexually unsatisfied married woman on the east coast I did the only thing I could do. I got a side piece. Insert boos, the word adulterer etc. here. Yeah, I said this was uncensored. He is a day student where I go to school, 22, and has a beautiful body and yeah...a big ole dick. I know this shit is all kinds of ratchet and wrong, but when he approached me on facebook, something in me just said, "fuck it". He knows I am married and I am aware he is single and he's 22. The first time we hung together we had safe, wild, sex. I mean the neighbors-know-my-name type of sex. I won't lie, for the first time I exhaled. It took me back to a simpler time in my life when I was extra carefree. Afterwards we just laid there sans clothes while he told me how much he loved the Gucci Mane mixed tape and how he had an extensive shoe collection (evident by the 50 billion shoe boxes everywhere). I liked it. It was simple conversation. I used to be very judgemental of men who ran off with younger women, but after my encounter I don't feel that way anymore. For those three hours I was fancy and my conversation was not laden with which bills need to be paid, how much my in laws hate me or if the toilet bowl got stopped up again. It was just Gucci Mane and shoes.

I have been seeing my little friend here and there the past couple of days and we stay flirting via text, but I know in the back of my mind this isn't gonna last long. I am approaching 30 and as much as I like the escape, I am not willing to go through raising up another man. I did that enough with Ron Mexico (whole 'nother story). The road from 22 to 29 is a long one with a lot of shit and I don't wanna go where I have already been. But for now, I will just enjoy the ride and pray this ends well.

Hello. Good Morning.

I finally decided to re-enter the world of blogging after a two year hiatus. Why? Spewing out my thoughts and feelings on facebook and twitter were just not enough and it just wasn't the right place. But this ish right here? Is my life uncensored. It is me, naked and unashamed. It's where I am going to give the real deal. I have lately had to censor myself on facebook because it seems like every status update I post sends my phone and email blowing up. Sometimes a status update is just that--a status update.

That being said, I am at one of the most pivotal crossroads of my life. Yes Ladies and Gents, I am turning 30. Growing up, I would always regard 30 as being the beginning of the end. But for some reason now that I am actually in the moment, I am sooooo happy to be turning 30. My twenties were basically two babies, two fucked the fucked up relationships (there were other ones in between these two but for some reason I always choose the worst possible humans ever to procreate with) a nervous breakdown, and addiction to Mary and a partridge in a pear tree. I hope turning 30 brings something else than a lot of drama and high school behavior. Hell, I will be in GROWN woman territory.

The thing troubling me the most is my marriage. Let me just make this statement about my marriage. Don't ever do something permanent to fix something temporary. When I married my husband it was because I was heartbroken over someone else, and I felt that no one else would ever love me, so let me just marry this man who seems to like me. WRONG ANSWER! I wish I would have known then that my heart would heal and I was a bad mamajamma and there were plenty of men that would have me. So now I am stuck with a verbally abusive (I am a hoezilla according to him...lollerskates) man who has a shoddy work record and has not accomplished a damn thing in 40 years. So my dilemma is: stay and try to work it out, or leave? I feel like if I stay my 30's are going to be my 20's all over again. No kind of peace.