Do You Know What Today Is?

Today is the last day in 2012!!!! Looking back, 2012 was a good year for me. This year I learned how strong I actually am and possibilities are only as limited as you make them. What makes today extra special though, is today will make one year that J and I have been together. Who would have known a year ago during a date at the Smithsonian, I would find the man who made me comfortable enough to let down the emotional guard that had been up for too long. I am glad for once, I did not let the bitterness of the past completely shut me out of something that turned out to be better than good for me. He kept me encouraged during my quest to relocate to the DMV, and he kept me motivated when I felt like giving up. We have had some ups and downs and there are times where both of us felt like throwing in the towel, but there was always something that kept us together. In the last few weeks, our relationship has experienced a few major changes, but I am not worried, because I have a feeling we will make it through it. J, thank you for showing me that good men still exist, loving me for who I am, and finally for putting up with my Mariah Carey moments, lol.


Everyone be safe no matter what it is that you decide to do tonight and for the love of God, don’t drink and drive! Here is to a prosperous and happy 2013!

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar!

The construction of my podcast lit a fire up inside of me and reminded me of who I am. Whenever I get an idea in my head, and I am committed to it, I am going to get it done. The idea of a podcast scared me initially. Microphones, editing, feed burners, FTP sights, my head was swimming. But I sat down, researched and put a plan on paper and got to work. It took me 30 minutes to record and....two hours to edit. After researching free podcast hosting sites, I found a good one and posted my podcast. My eyes where tired, but my mind was hungry....it took me back to the days I would lock myself in my room and program for 5-6 hours at a time. God gave me this ability and the dream and I am going to see it through on my own. I put out feelers for photographers, graphic design and web developers and no one has responded, so instead of putting my dream in another persons hand, I am buying my own camera (it's a simple shoot) and I am hitting Barnes and Nobles to get some graphic design books. Right now I'm über focused right now....I'm not a princess who needs saving...I'm a queen, I get ish done!

My Life Uncensored Podcast Ep. 1

 FINALLY!!! After weeks of research and four hours of recording and editing.....my first podcast has arrived!!  I feel like I have just given birth y'all!!!  It's a little rough and unscripted, and there is a special appearance by Chunky.  Enjoy!


My Life Uncensored Podcast Ep. 1

Goals For 2013

1. Finish the spring semester with nothing less than a 3.5

2. Get this IT career cracking

3. Put on my big girl panties and start navigating the house buying process as it relates to purchasing a foreclosure

4. MORE BIBLE STUDY AT HOME! It's nice to go to church every Sunday, but if I am not studying what I learned, I am not really going to be able to become strong in His word

5. Visit the MLK monument. (Don't judge me)

6. Let go of the past. This is a work in progress, as I am a hoarder when it comes to people and emotions. Oh, that? That's just a grudge I have been holding since 88....

7. Continue running, but it's time to tone. I am down to my "before I ever began the business of gestating" weight, but I want to be solid, no jiggles

8. Connect with people. My friends game night brought me out of my shell a little more. I can recite poetry on a stage all the live long day, but small group settings are a challenge.

9. Take better care of my skin. I give. I am investing in a clarisonic and BB cream. I'm getting older and so is my skin. Most importantly I will hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

10. Dial down the paranoia in my relationship. Not only do I look batshit crazy, I have come to the conclusion that you can't stop deception. Furthermore, any inconsistency does not always mean there is deception, contrary to the teachings in Alyxxs Taylor, lol.

Binders Full of Women

Very Smart Brothas- "Can We Be Best Friends?"

I found this over at the Very Smart Brothas blog and found it very interesting for the station I am in life.  J, has a TON of "female friends."  They are EVERYWHERE y'all.  I refer to them as his "harem" or "binder full of women."  There is a real estate agent, a cake maker, several models, and some partridges in a pear tree.  J has women y'all.  Anywho, I am always questioning how he is friends with half of the female population of DC and California and not one of these women have tried to cross the line.  I want to see the receipts.  Maybe it is because my interactions with my male friends have always been the opposite.  I have yet to have a male friend who has not at least made an attempt to push things over the friend line.  My bigger question is, if they try to push things over the friend line, can they still be called a friend? 

Working Title: The Killing

Some times I ask
Why bother
Chasing that dream
The dream I thought
I needed, wanted
To discover the dream
Was a nightmare in disguise
Resolution to a life of
Silent unhappy
Prisoner of my
Own emotions
Crying out
Running from one
Frying pan
Into the cold sadness
Deep down
Deep down
In a place where
Kush, cover girl, and Herve
Can't go
A gaping wound
Oozing emptiness and sorrow
Held together by the occasional
False promise
No one is safe
I looked for a way to exhale
But I was
Choked to death by my loving nature

Keep On Pushing

Hooray!!!  It is snowing today!  I am excited and nervous at the same time because this is my first snow in the DMV, but I am not a fan of driving in the snow at all.  When it snows I feel like all of the world should be at home under a cozy blanket, watching tv or....you know. 

This morning has been a little emotional rollercoaster for me.  My mom forgot to hang up her phone last night when she tried to call me, and I caught the tail end of my dad saying some not so nice things about me.  For the sake of my sanity, I am not going to go through all that was said, but long story short it wasn't nice and it hurt like hell.  For everyone playing at home, my father and I have a HORRIBLE relationship.  He doesn't like me, and I am not a fan of him either.  When I am around him I get the sense that he feels like I am a huge disappointment.  He isn't very communicative either which makes things even harder.  I can count on one hand how many times we have talked on the phone this year and when is displeased with something I have done, he uses my sister as a mouthpiece.  If he is upset with me, I wish he would talk to ME.  I have had the same phone number for the last 2 years, he knows where I am, I just don't get it.  I want to call him up and bless him out this morning, but I didn't.  I sent him a text and let him know what I heard and I forwarded him the voicemail and that I felt after 32 years of all this passive agressive disdain, I quit.  I don't have the energy for it anymore.  I have spent a lot of years trying to hurt him the way he has me and all it has done has left me damaged and gave him the ammunition to continue.  I am just done.

In better news, I have come to the conclusion that in order to garner more writing gigs, I am going to have to just put myself out there.  I am a little shy at times, but I am learning fast that is not going to help me. Networking will be key and I am going to have to open my mouth (pause, lol) to get what I want.  Tonight I am going to a networking event that will give me a chance to meet some new people and get my business cards out there (yes, Miss Page has arrived...I have cards...lol).  I will let you all know how it goes!

Gifts and Curses

I am writing this from my mamas house irritated at myself and everyone else in a 50 foot radius. I love my family. God knows I DO! But I don't know how many more of these gatherings I have in me. I feel like it brings out the absolute worst in me and they provide a large sense of anxiety. No one should have to take as many Ativan a day as I have this weekend. I love spending the holidays with them, but our fights are become more notorious than the holiday. Picture it, Mama Page's house, any given holiday. The tip off for the fight usually will begin a week to 2 days before we all assemble. Now, this fight will not always be between the same two people, but there is going to be a fight. This time it was me vs. Mama Page. She called me on Tuesday and out of nowhere launched into a tirade about how I better help her cook this year, she isn't doing anything, so on and so forth. I just agreed, which if you know my mom is like waving blood at a shark. It made her madder and my phone "dropped" the call. Fast forward to this morning, everything was going along well and she asked me to empty the trash. I asked her to give me a minute, because I was washing my daughter's hair. This is where shit went left. She stormed past me and yanked the trash bag out of the can. I told her I would do it and I grabbed the handle. A tug of war ensued until finally I won and I took the trash out. All was well after that, I baked my cake and I turned to her to ask when she wanted me to start the greens. Now, the ONLY reason I even offered to make the greens was because she already laid me out about helping cook just mere days ago. So as I am asking she's just kind of ignoring me. I am getting angrier because I do not want to spend all night making greens. Side bar: I know how to make greens, but if they are not made to my mother's specifications there will be hell. So I waited and waited and finally I said, "If you didn't need my help you should have just said so." She starts hollering about my unwillingness to take the trash out earlier. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. At that point I was beyond frustrated. I jumped in my car headed to the shell station to find my old friend, the Marlboro man. As I sped into the parking lot I thought about how good I felt being a non smoker. I was not going to let any petty argument pull me back. So I got a Pepsi and some fried chicken and headed back to the house. I sat in my car for awhile writing and looking on the Internet before I went in. I remembered that I get to go back home tomorrow. All I have to make it through half of the day tomorrow and I can go back to life as I know it. This will probably be my last year doing this. I cannot keep playing Russian roulette with my holidays. I hate not knowing if I am going to be kissed or killed. That is no way to live. One good thing is, I see what J meant by "emotional tirades" and yeah, I am not going to be that person.

Venting Session

1. There are always those in life that get their validation from making others feel beneath them. To those people, I would like to say, have a seat. We see you, we hear you, and just because we don't agree with you doesn't mean we are all idiots.

2. When and where I choose to check my iPod, phone, or anything else is my business. I don't know if all of the population is aware but phones and other devices of that ilk can be used of MILLION other things. Most of the times I am blogging, writing notes, pinning or whatever. Most of the time I am doing it because I am either bored or....it doesn't matter because I am a grown up.

3. All of my friends have quirks that I have just learned are a part of who they are. We are all a little older and have lived life so I know when a behavior of one of my friends displays might just generally be the way that they are. I am not on a crusade to change my friends into Victoria Clones, I want them to be themselves. Variety is what makes life interesting.

4. I backslid into apologizing for my feelings. Nope, not going back down that road. Do I need to think before I speak? Absolutely. But I am not going back to censoring every little thing I say. If you back to the beginning of this blog, that was the reason why I started this. Every aspect of my life was censored and I was trapped in a jail where the backlash from self-expression was tremendous. I understand time and place, but I won't be a doormat either.

Thanks for listening!

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is days away and I am excited!  As the year draws to a close, I have had a chance to reflect on the events of 2012, and I must say that this has been a great year.  I won't lie, there have been major bumps in the road, but for the most part I have been blessed.  God granted me a chance to see my dreams realized and I am so happy I put my faith in Him and no one else.  What I am grateful for above all else is the chance to rebuild my relationship with Miss Beasley.  It has been a long two years to repair our relationship, but everyday I get a chance to show her that I won't repeat the mistakes of the past.  Miss Page has learned the hard way that my choices effect my children and it's just that simple.  This year also marked the first time in twelve years that I did not live 30 minutes from my mama.  She has always been my support system and I really missed going to dinner with her after work and driving out to her house on the weekends.  She was not a fan of my relocation at first, but she has come around.

Career wise, all I can say is FAVOR!!!!!  I never would have thought that in a million years that a meeting at a story telling contest would lead me to the world of freelancing.  I have always been squemish about calling myself a writer, because I just didn't think I was good at it "for real for real." But thanks to a lot of you who read and message me, I have been encouraged and I proudly say today, I am a freelance writer.  In the upcoming year, I will be showcasing some of my work here and on my other blog,"Soundtrack to My Life."  I thank you all for all of your support and kind words!

J and I have made it to a year!  What a year it has been!!!!  There has been a lot of raw emotions, laughs, good times, bad times, and REALLY bad times, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  This relationship has certainly made me look inward and I have learned that I can't place the blame on all my behaviors on another party.  Everything can't be everyone elses fault.   Growth y'all....it feels good.  Let's see what happens in 2013.

Have a wonderful and safe Christmas and New Year everyone! (still working on those conclusions....lol)

Venting Session: Volume 1 Chapter 1

I need to vent, so here goes:

I am frustrated AS HELL with J right now. I have no idea what has happened to my relationship, but somehow, we have regressed into "something" where we only see each other at night and if he wants to see me. Of course, I want to see my boyfriend so I am picking times that are just not acceptable. But it's either that or I won't see him at all. The whole thing is starting to feel one sided. If I try to make plans I get a maybe or cancelled on. I am particularly sensitive about this because J was talking to me a few weeks back and he mentioned how one of the females he hangs with is funny about picking up the check when they go out to eat. Pause. Let that marinate in your spirit. I am over here taking what little time I can get, but can go to brunch with her? FOH! J stated today that he didn't feel I was happy and he may be right, or this may be another "I'm fixing to dump you, and this is my way to make it about you." Oh I have had that game ran on me before, so I know what it looks like. Reciprocity has turned into a tug of war.....

Birds of Paradise

Today, I was off for half of the day and decided to museum hop with a friend who came to the DMV for business. The first stop was the National Geographic Museum, which I never knew existed until I heard about the Birds of Paradise exhibit. Fun fact: I love Birds of Paradise,the bird and the flower. If I ever decide to get married again, I want those flowers in my wedding. I was fascinated for weeks in cosmetology school looking at a color placement that would make the hair look like the Birds of Paradise. Next favorite flower next to orchids. Long story short, I was going to learn and get my life. This was an aviary exhibit and I must say the birds were beautiful. I would love to see them in their natural habitat one day. I learned that the male birds have all these cool little dances and things they do for mating season and they are even shapeshifters. The next stop was to a sushi bar owned by The Donovan House(who I heard in the summer, has a really nice rooftop bar), called Zentan. The food was AMAZING! It's a sushi restuarant with a very warm but contemporary decor. My friend ordered the oysters with some kind of caviar relish I went with the spicy scallop roll. The food was really fresh and the cocktails were delicious. I had a really great day today. I need the broadening of my horizons and good conversation.

I was in "writers mode" and took some notes for some freelance work. I am checking a few calendars at some nature publications and I will sumbit them on spec. See, you can work and have fun too.

Well after all the walking and the like, I am going to crawl into this warm bed and pinch myself.....xoxo!

Reasons

I have complained A LOT today, so to shake off some of the negativity, I am going to post the things that ARE going right.

1) I have roof over my head, food in my fridge, a car to drive, clothes to wear and a job to go to every morning.

2) My children are healthy and happy and we are together

3) My unexpected entry into freelancing

4) I have disposable income for the first time in 8 years

5) My sprained ankle, that I thought would hinder my workouts, is healed and I am back to running

6) I have amazing friends and family

7) God loves me

8) I am a NON SMOKER!! (More on that later)

There you have it! So today, perhaps was not such a bad day at all, in the grand scheme of things. In life, there will be high points and low points and I am going to put focus on the positive things while working through the hard stuff.

The Art of Communication

* I had a kick ass post composed, and then I DELETED IT!!!!!!!! This is the short version*

J came over, we laughed and talked. I discovered that I don't know how to be in a drama free relationship. I am going to work on this because I want to learn how to be in a relationship where you just talk and disagree. No name calling and yelling, just discussion. Long story short, when we said our good nights, there was a mutual understanding that we knew where the other one stood. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones without words. Good night!!!!

Update!

Greetings everyone!!!!  As you may have noticed, blogging is at an all time low around here, as I have gotten super busy in different aspects of my life.  The biggest and best news that I have is that I have some freelance assignments lined up for the newspaper in my area.  Most of the assigments will be entertainment and nightlife based, so it won't be anything too intense.  This means I need to do some intense work on my writing skills, especially bringing my articles to a conclusion (a very weak point for me).  I found some workshops in the area that I plan to attend.  The suggestion was also made that I look into picking up technical writing freelance work as well.  Technical writing pays well, but it is a creative drain. I am just grateful for progress and options right now.

Motherhood these days is proving to be very interesting as my children are changing and growing.  Miss Beasley is turning into a pre-teen before my very eyes and I AM NOT READY Y'ALL!!!!  Saturday morning I detected some moodiness and I asked her what was wrong.  Her reply? "I am annoyed." Annoyed. Where is my happy, playful 2 year old????  Who is this "annoyed" child in my house??? I need answers.  On the other hand my son is finally potty trained (day and night trained) and he has turned into a little chatterbox.  I remember when he was two, I was concerned because he was not saying the amount of words recommened by the pediatrician.  I worried my mama to death about his speech, or lack thereof.  I am proud to say that Chunky talks from sun up to sun down, much to my chagrin. 

I wish I had time to write more, but this stack of work on my desk is calling me......xoxo!