Saturday, June 30, 2012

Open Your Eyes

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I kept thinking about J and the status of our relationship. When I got up and set out to go to my mom's house, something in me said to go to his house. I tried calling, but no answer. I took a chance and just showed up. Now, that went against the norm for me, but I had to look him in the eyes. I knocked on the door and after a few minutes he came out and we talked. I told him how I felt and assured his actions are not malicious. It was a good conversation, but it left me with some thing to think about. Luckily he is going on vacation and I'll be gone when he gets back, so there will be plenty of time to think.

Despite my early morning reindeer games, the day has been good and I am enjoying my time back home. Tonight, I'm going to enjoy my old stomping grounds and cut loose a little.....till next time!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Feast or Famine

I want to start this post off with some positive news: I have been hired as a ghost writer for a popular online magazine. I have not read my contract, but I am pretty sure I can't disclose what magazine, because I am ghost writing. I am grateful for taking a leap and meeting new people, who were able to help me on my writing journey.

In the wonderful world of relationships, I am at a crossroad. Again, J cancelled our date. Twice. I'm not even mad just irritated. Moreso, I am starting to wonder where I fit in his life. I'm not asking that we be together everyday, I just wish when we made plans he would honor them. What really made me think was when I asked him if he was too busy for a relationship he said. "yes and no. I am really busy, but I don't want to be lonely either." with that sentence he told me what I needed to know. I'm just taking up space. If we don't spend time together, doesn't that mean he is already alone? I know I am. Sure, we talk on the phone and text, but the relationship is starting to feel a little one sided. I need more than some phone calls and couple of texts. Nothing replaces that face to face time. I have been fighting this battle for the last month and I am starting to grow weary. I wanted to sit down and talk about this face to face, but if I can't get regular time with him I doubt he's going to make any time to hear me out. It's starting to feel like a battle that can't be won. One part of me is saying, "Just walk away" but the greater part of me loves and cares for this man and I believe our relationship is worth fighting for. But how long to you stay in the ring before you accept it was a TKO? Certainly some things to think about.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Rhyme and Reason

No open mic for me tonight. I decided to stay home and create and clear my head. To say I have a lot on my plate is an understatement.

I have stopped making running a priority and tomorrow, I jump back in the saddle. I really miss having a YMCA because I always had a place to put Chunky. Good thing about the move to Springfield is I will be close to a YMCA so I can hit my three time a week workout.

Tonight I had a chance to create some poetry, and you know what is beautiful about poetry? It doesn't need to have a rhyme or reason. It was free flowing words from my heart. I picked a subject and the words just fell into place. My emotions, on paper....kind of like my blog. I was asked if I will put my poetry up here, and the answer is no. I am new to this art form and like Badu said, "I'm sensitive about my shit."

Not much else to report, except next week is supposed to be Hello Kitty boom box time, so I'm going to try to combat that with a run each morning, finding some business, and lavender tea. PMS is real in these streets, you gotta have an arsenal. Good night!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Day Off....

Today I ended up with an unexpected off day, so I am getting a little blogging and writing done.

My weekend was everything!!!! I was invited to a BBQ in MD by Hazel, so me a Chunk saddled up and headed to what I will always call the Merrylands. I met some wonderful couples, made some contacts, got some sun, and rode on their boat. It was nice meeting such positive and motivated people.

My time in the DMV started off really rocky but it feels like I'm hitting my stride. I have learned a lot about God's will during this time and that nothing happens on my clock, it's all up to Him!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Live from the Barber Shop!

It's barbershop day for Chunky and he is acting the donkey....toddler life. Like Evelyn Lozada said I ain't built for that life.

Friday I tried a wearing a headwrap after seeing how beautiful it looked on my friend Tee. I youtubed the subject to death and I bought some fabric and after a lot of practice I finally got it and I love the way it looks. I think fabric is my new nail polish!

I hit U street again today and had quite the adventure. I met a friend for lunch at Eatonville. It was everything I hoped it to be! The Georgia Peach cocktail was delicious! I never new corn whiskey could be so good. I even tried the lavender lemonade, and it was a flavor explosion in my mouth (pause). I need to learn how to make it because it was refreshing and calming. While I was on my adventure I popped my cherry. In all the drama of parking I forgot to feed the meter and I got my first ticket in the District, lol. It was truly a good time and I left feeling happier than I have been in the last few weeks.

Due to the commute struggle, I will be moving to Springfield to be closer to my job. Woodbridge was a good idea at first, and perhaps it was for the wrong reasons, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Besides, maybe some distance between me and J will be a good thing. It's hard for me to participate in the Thirst Olympics when I'm 30 minutes away. Plus it will put me closer to my two new favorite places: U street and the Smithsonian. Change is never easy but it's necessary for growth.

With all that being said I am gonna work on some stuff for Tuesday and then I'm hitting the sheets! Good night!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When Blogging Wasn't Enough

Despite the high times of last night, I am in a sad place.  I have tried blogging myself happy, and tonight I will try to run myself to happiness.  My unhappiness seems to come from some self esteem issues I thought I had taken care of.  It's back.  The little voice telling me I am not skinny enough, I am too dark, I laugh too much, I love too much, that I am flat out not good enough.  Today those old feeling crept up on me while I was on my fifth break at work.  A little voice said, "If you died today, not two dambs would be given."  In my heart of hearts I know that is not true, but on this day, I am feeling like one of those dented cans at the supermarket: no one wants it.  I am going to play with my SSRI's tonight and up the dosage a little and see if that helps.  If not a friend of mine recommended a therapist that I could go and talk to.  I would rather lay on someone's couch for 30 minutes than end up six feet under because I couldn't see my way out of the valley. 

Living for the City

Last night was epic!!!! When I got to Busboys and Poets, I was so nervous I almost backed out of going on stage.  I signed up and the nice lady told me I would be fourth and gave in instructions on what to do.  After listening to the first three poets, my nerves kicked into high gear.  Those folks were GOOD!  When they called my name, I came up and recited a piece that I penned that day called "Presents."  I was a little warbly at first but mid way I found my voice and I remember why I wrote that poem and the emotions I felt when writing it and I finished strong.  The audiance gave me a wonderful round of applause that lifted my spirits and I took my seat and enjoyed the rest of the evening.  I got a chance to meet some new people who put me on to some of the other open mic's that they have around the District and in MD.  I am definately doing this again.

While I was in the parking garage on my lunch break, I heard someone arguing with such passion over a $10.00 loan and someone stealing from them.  The voice started to descend the stairs to where I was and I immediately recognized that it was on of the chirren.  If you don't know what I am talking about, I'll explain later.  First of all I want to say, his face was BEAT to perfection and his hair? LAID.  It made me wanna go home and try it again.  According to my ear hustling, "Chris" stole from him and has been screwing other people when they were together.  Everybody hurts.  Hearing that cancelled my plan to be a lesbian if this whole dating men thing doesn't work out.  Gay people participate in reindeer games too.

Speaking of dating, J and I talked and he hasn't dumped me, but he did let somethings off his chest regarding my personality that bothered him.  He told me I play him too close and he is just not used to a female doing that.  I respect his right to his space, and I will give him just that.  I know I am always quoting Tee's "Get some business," but this time I am taking it seriously and I am going to detach myself from his nuts and go play.  I am living in a place where there is plenty to do, and I am going to get to doing it, even if it means doing it by myself.  I am Miss Solo Dolo, so that is not going to be a problem for me. 

It is well documented that I struggle with depression and anxiety.  In my community it is something that is not talked about because it is popular opinion that my depression(which I have battled with since 16) can be prayed away or I would better if I had a man (HA!).  I am a proud supporter of the Siwe Project, whose goal is to shed light on mental illness in the African American community.  I have decided to take a chance and I will be participating in their International No Shame day.  Over the weekend I will be working on my youtube video, sharing my story from 2008 and what my life is like now.  This is important to be, because I want to dispel the myth that "we" don't suffer from mental illness. 

Well, I have a ton of work left to do, and then after my "exciting" commute, I will be attending bible study.  I really need this mid week rejuvenation in His word, so I am looking forward to it!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Lost Unicorns and Lotto Tickets

I lost the lotto y'all. I know J reads this blog and after several attempts to reach him without a response, I get the hint. Ugggggghhhhh.....I hate being dumped it is THE worst. But Miss Page is going to do what she does best, find the humor in the situation and laugh to keep from crying. A part of me wants to get some ribs and ice cream and sit in the bed watching For Colored Girls until my tear ducts are exhausted, but I have stuff to do. I know I will be running more to combat the sad days and writing. I really cared for J and I'm sad he chunked the deuces to me, but there is nothing I can do about that now. We had a lot of wonderful warm memories that I will never forget. He pushed me in a way I had never been pushed before and for that I'll always have love for him. Being with Miss Page is a lot of work and he just didn't see it for me *shrug*

Well, it's time for me to get off and have a little fun on U street! Should be very interesting!

Tears Dry on Their Own

For the past few weeks I have been getting a different vibe from J. Like there was something or someone who had his attention. I know he has had a lot going on but it was little things I noticed he stopped doing. No more "good morning" text. I was doing more calling than he did, and when I would attempt to make plans something would always come up or he would just say, "We'll see." Today I attempted to make plans (again) to go to the movies and he responded by saying he might be going to Kings Dominion. Yup, you read that right. He's too busy for me but not to busy for Kings Dominion. Hot tears burned my eyes. I wished the floor would have opened up and swallowed me up on the spot. I have been here before. What usually happens next is "the talk." What is "the talk?" Here goes: It's not you, it's me....I have so much happening right now, it's not fair to you....I just can't commit that kind of time to you....etc. That's not the bad part. The bad part is when he "magically" has time again and "waaaahla" he has a new girlfriend or whatever. This cannot be happening to me. Again. Maybe my sister was right. Who the hell knows anymore? At this exact moment I want to crawl under my desk and continue to weep hysterically, but I have bills to pay and I don't think my co workers want to hear all my raw emotion live. Back to work I go.....where's my damn Kleenex?

Monday, June 18, 2012

It's the Little Things

Today was pretty much the standard at work: iced coffee, research, and traffic. The glamorous life, heh.

Today J surprised me with a little after-work date at the place that makes THE best custard! I had the peanut butter brownie flavor and it was delicious!!! It was also good to see him again because we hadn't seen each other in a minute. Plus things have been kinda.....I don't know the word I'm looking for, but it was just good to see him.

Guess who's going to see Yeezy at the Reveal in AC? *jumps up and down* this girl, that's who!!!! It will be during the holiday and it's a girls trip so I know we are gonna have a blast! I'm getting back in the gym so it can be all bandage dress EVERYTHANG!!!

Things are looking up for me and I am in a better place. Is everything perfect? No, but I'm finding my way. Or as Tee would say, some business. I'm nervous and excited about open mic night but I have some friends coming to support my literary struggle so even if I'm wack it will be nice to get out of the house.

Till next time.....

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Missing Pieces

I went back home this weekend not only for father's day, but to see Miss Beasley. She was supposed to come back with me but since she only has two weeks before camp and the cost to change her ticket to BWI is astronomically high, she stayed in Virginia. When I saw her, I couldn't stop crying. In a month, she has gotten so tall! I spent time playing a million games of Operation with her and talking with her about her last days of second grade. She won an award for "best sharer" and I got a chance to see all of her artwork that had been featured at her school. Proud does not describe how I feel. The ride back home was a somber one.

This Tuesday I have decided to jump out there and participate in an open mic night. I have a couple of pieces that I want to try out. I have been inspired by my friend Sam to chase my dreams.

Well it's been a long day. I have a huge headache and the morning will be here soon. Good night :)

Fathers Day

I woke up this morning to a rack of Happy Father's day text. I appreciate the love, but I'm not a father. Do I do the work of two and a half people (Miss Beasley's dad operates at 50%)? You damn right, but I can never fill that father role for either of my children. You know how I know? I have already documented here that I have a poor relationship with my dad, and as I have gotten older I see where that caused damage. My mom was a KICK ASS mom. But for all her love, and encouragement I still wanted to know my dad loved me and was proud of me. I didn't get that and still don't so that's one of those voids I spoke about previously that will probably go unfilled forever.

My daughter has some contact with her dad and she has her Pop Pop wrapped around her finger, so her male roles are plentiful, but I worry for my son. I could not text his daddy if I wanted to right now because he is busy evading child support, and that's fine. I am grateful for the male figures that are in his life and they all have had a positive effect on him.

So to all my fathers out there, enjoy your day!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Wise Words

It has been a wonderful week, I was productive and I learned some new things.

I had a conversation with my sister today that was enlightening to say the least. Tonight I climbed up on my cross because J and I had dinner plans and they just completely fell apart, I guess. At any rate she said something that stuck in my head. She said, "you don't need to be in a relationship." I was mad as hell first but after further discussion, I really thought about what was saying. There is a place in me that is just dying to have that "one."Someone who I could love and someone who loved me. But I am beginning to see that in my search for love I have turned into a codependent wreck. My heart is not healed from the heartache of my past and I keep hopping from place to place hoping to fill the void. After many futile attempts I realize that void can't be filled by any single person. It's fine to say "I have put my past behind me," but what good is that when you really haven't. She suggested I take a break and work on me and then revisit being in a relationship. If I don't, even if J and I don't work out I will just be carrying more baggage to the next one. I have a lot to think about tonight and I am going to pray on it and let Gods will be done. Sure it would suck to be alone but there is a pattern of me spazzing out every week and that's not healthy.

I'm going to see my mama on Saturday and I'm excited. So with that I'm gonna head to bed. One day this will all make sense....good night

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Redemption Song

Today made totally made up for the shenanigans earlier this week. Most of all I am grateful to God for second chances and for loving me when I didn't even love me!

I am most excited about an application that I an in process of getting developed. I reconnected with a friend from home who writes programs and applications and I am currently writing up all the specs. I don't want to say what type of app but it will be dope.

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE music!!!! Even though I am not the best singer I love singing, it's like writing....theraputic. Today during Chunky's bath I found myself giving raw emotion to the mirror. I SANG Marvin Gaye's "Keep you Satisfied." I love that song. The way the emotion of his words just floated over the strings and drums....beautiful.

I promise to not never relax my hair again. The poor hairline is suffering from "scab hair" so it has no kink to it. Makes me wanna holler. But the rest of my hair is growing!

Well I have work notes and ish to study and I AM going to bed at a decent hour and not making love on the phone like a sad teenager.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

PMS: A Day in the Life Part 2

*turns down Fantasy on my Hello Kitty boom box*

It's the most magical week in the month!

4:00am: Woke up, turned on Pandora. "Love on Top" plays. Weep in the shower. I remember when my love was on top *pout*

4:15am: Marvin Sapp radio. I'M FEELING GREAT! I remember the message from Sunday. Proceed to beat my face while sanging!

5:30am: Wake the boy up. Awwww he looks like he did when he was a baby. Tears. Lots of tears. Makeup needs reapplying. Thank God for HD powder.

6:15am: In traffic. Tom Joyner morning show. "Love on Top." I want to do an epic *side of car slide* but I don't want to be hit by a car on 95...or maybe I do...

6:17am: Turn on UGK. My inner thug is pleased.

7:00am: DUNKIN EFFIN DONUTS!!!! This iced coffee, hoe! My mouth is happy *pause*

That brings y'all up to speed. I found a GYN in my office building and I have an appointment next month. I wonder if it's the IUD. If it is, I want it removed immejiatley! Because I KNOW that I know J is tired of the PMS reindeer games, I am gonna hold off on contact until my emotions are together. Well time to kick off my work day!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Mothers and Daughters

Today I had my first happy conversation with my mom since I got here. It murked my inner thug, but I understand she's trying to help me not hurt me. In addition I learned that people can't help you if you let your pride choke you. Mama Page will always be my main dame!

I have been on a mission to keep it real with myself. Lying to myself has lead me down a lot of roads that could have been avoided if I had just kept it "one hunnid" (yep that just happened). I suck at the art of preparation. Short term goals, I'm a beast. When it comes to long term goal preparation I suck. Just plain messy. I had things to do in the last three weeks and I'm gonna keep it honest, I squandered ALL that time. I tried to squeeze three weeks of work into two days. That's no good. I'm too old for those bald headed reindeer games. I am going to reach out to my sister and J regarding long term planning skills.

My running has fallen all the way off! I ran a paltry half a mile today. That was no good. I have been using the hilly nature of my new environment as an excuse, but surprise surprise I got my copy of Runners World today and there was a subsection on tips for dealing with hills. Problem solved.

I am back on the path of self improvement and looking to continue becoming a better Miss Page!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Happy Feeling......

*I have decided today that being happy is more important than being right. I almost raised my pressure in a disagreement with my mom but all that yelling and arguing is not good for anyone.

*Y'all I am in the valley of mood is fine, but I feel like a parade float. I need to drink more water with my Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, lol.

*I tried peppermint oil on my scalp tonight and word to the wise: less is more. My scalp was on fire for a minute, but the tingle felt great!

* J let me play with shiny, fancy new stove, lol. It's dope. It certainly changed my mind about flat top ranges.

*Shouts out to Chunk for destroying my fresh paint this morning. It really set the mood of the day lol.

*Watched Safe House this evening and I have to say this: it made me want to travel overseas.

Well that's my brain dump from the last couple of days. I am taking it easy this weekend because I have a busy week of work ahead of me.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

God Bless the Child...

Today has been a loooooong day! My morning was going pretty cool at first. I was making love to my iced coffee, lol minding my business, my phone rang, I answered, and reindeer games began to commence. I am not gonna put all that out up here, but I learned today that nobody should have to argue or cuss over what they know to be theirs. You say he's dating you? Cool. Why call me and yell all in my ear. If he's "your man" why fuss? I am certainly not going to raise my pressure trying to stroke anyone's ego. I hung up, counted backwards from 100 and focused on how blessed I am, looked around my office and remembered the phrase, "What is for me is for me. Like that I got back to the business of making money :)

I had a very relaxing weekend. Saturday I hung with Hazel, Sunday I hung out with J. We went to a cookout at the home of a couple he used to work with and I had a ball. It was nice to talk to some other mothers and trade stories and tips. Certainly a great time.

Because I played hard yesterday I was exhausted today, so I'm going to bed dumb early, so I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. Productivity never felt so good....

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


My day was the equivalent of finding 100 dollars in the street! Prayer truly changes things, and I am so grateful for all that I have.

I had a chance to spend some time with J, and as usual we laughed and ate. We also started watching Red Tails, but I could not enjoy it because I was experiencing THE worst stomach pain because I decided to eat some steak after not having red meat in about 2 months. J nursed me back to health with alka seltzer (yuck!) and I am feeling much better.

Short post this evening....I have a long "to do" list and I need to get it all done!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Confession Time

Today I went to the local library and got myself a shiny new library card! I went to the smaller of the libraries in the county because my GPS directed me there, lol. I checked out some IT books and one other book. The other book was Steve Harvey's "Straight Talk, No Chaser." If you know me, you know I was not a big supporter of his first book. I didn't want to think like a man, ain't I a woman(see what I did there)? Anyways, I have read a little bit of it and I'll admit, it's some good stuff there. Most of it is common sense, but it's true nonetheless. It would have really been a help when I was trying to understand my ex husband's reindeer games.

This weekend I got all the "t" on where to go for fun in DC. I love an occasional club night like anyone, but lounges are becoming my thing in my old age. A friend put me on to all the places on U street and they are all my types of places. Of course there is Busboys and Poets various open mic nights that I am looking forward to attend and maybe even participate in. The event I am really saving all my love for is hip hop karaoke at LiV. Y'all....90's might as well call it Miss Page: The Adolescent Years Soundtrack. Plus, this week is a tribute to it would only be right to recite ALL the words to "So What You Want."

Remember Instagramgate? Well today I had the pleasure of meeting the young lady in the picture and we hit it off. I found her to be very positive and motivated. We both share something in common: our persistence.

Well off to more studying....I am halfway through my CCNA book. I am trying to sit for the exam by the fall and it looks like it may happen. How I am going to juggle work, motherhood, and school, I don't know, but I have faith I'll be able to do well at all three task. Till next time.....

Sunday, June 3, 2012


Two in a day y'all!

I was sitting here thinking about what do you do when your needs are not being met. We all have certain requirements and things that we may want or need out of life. This can be physical, emotional, catch my drift. When those needs are not being met, we often tend to stop going to the empty source and turn to the source that is going to give us what we need or want. Today has been a turning point for me. There are some places in me that are depleted emotionally and I have been running to an empty source to get them filled. I am not saying J is empty, but I realized today that I should not look to a man, or any other person to fulfill what I have been missing. It all starts with me. When I was dating myself (y'all remember that?) I wasn't emotionally depleted because the love and affection I needed came from me and the love of God. Today I decided that I need to get back to THAT place. The place where I didn't care who was calling me or taking me on a date because I had me. So with that being said I am taking a little sabbatical to rediscover Miss Page, because I have lost myself in a mission to be loved. I never wanted to be that girl that clung so tightly to the idea of the fairy tale that I would mute my real feelings in an attempt to capture the dream. What good is winning the "lotto" when it wasn't the real you who won it?


I had a wonderful time at church today. The title of the message was, "Living in HD." The message really spoke to me.

I took a nap after church and I had the most bizarre dream. If you know me, you know how I feel about my dreams. They always mean something. This dream can be summed in the following: Grandmothers house, begging for J's affection, toungeless kiss, and cleaning. It was a sad but hopeful dream. I don't know if it interpreted what I am subconsciously feeling or if it is what is to come. I am also curious to why the whole dream took place in my grandmother's house.

Remember that business I was looking for? I have found it! I have a very full week and I don't foresee any bored moments in it. Thank God I found the Y and women's bible study on Friday, not to mention my CCNA studies. Miss Page is gonna be just fine y'all.

Well I am off to enjoy the rest of this Sunday!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Quiet Nights

J and I had our re-match and, um, I lost again. It's ok though because I am going to be at someone's track running 100's like a fool. I hate losing!!! But again I love the competitive part of our relationship. We push each other that way.

I am enjoying my new surrounding but there is something missing. Miss Beasley. She stayed back to finish her school year but I miss her to the moon. She is a polar opposite of Chunky. I love her quiet but inquisitive nature, her love of reading, history, and science. She is truly my twin. Going to the Smithsonian doesn't feel the same without her.

Well as usual off to study and maybe FaceTime with my sissy!

Quiet Nights

J and I had our re-match and, um, I lost again. It's ok though because I am going to be at someone's track running 100's like a fool. I hate losing!!! But again I love the competitive part of our relationship. We push each other that way.

I am enjoying my new surrounding but there is something missing. Miss Beasley. She stayed back to finish her school year but I miss her to the moon. She is a polar opposite of Chunky. I love her quiet but inquisitive nature, her love of reading, history, and science. She is truly my twin. Going to the Smithsonian doesn't feel the same without her.

Well as usual off to study and maybe FaceTime with my sissy!