Thursday, January 31, 2013

Am I Living in Crazytown?

This is going to be really annotated, here goes...

I have not heard from J all day. He hasn't been on Facebook, I haven't gotten any response via text and his phone is going right to voicemail. So because I was worried, after work I went by his house and knocked on the door. A woman answered the door. I'll let y'all ponder on that. I peered in the living room and there were children's toys and a child running around. She told me he wasn't there but she would tell him to come by my house. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. This shit is bizarre as hell.....

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Do Not Disturb

One of the best features of my iPhone is the "Do Not Disturb" feature.  It keeps your phone from alerting you until you choose to, or for a certain period of time.  Since I am trying to be a better mother and more attentive to those in my real life, I am using the feature along with my daughter hiding my phone in her room when I get home.  I must say, the last two days have been awesome, but this feels like quitting smoking.  I don't know what to do with my hands. As I waited for dinner to cook, I was just looking around trying to fill that void of mindlessly staring at my screen for hours would fill.  I can say, I am a lot more productive than I have been and I am getting THE best sleep of my life.  I used to blame my commute for the reason I could not get into bed by nine.  Lies and fairy tales.  It's because I would be on my phone waiting for J to text me or stalking everyone by Instagram.  My sister said something very profound the other day. "Your online life is both fictional and fractional."  She is right.  I am not enjoying a lot of moments in life because I am too busy documenting.  So if you try to call me after 7pm or on the weekends....I am :)

Thursday, January 17, 2013


Today, something I have been covering up under the guise of PMS came to rear it's ugly head.  Four years later.  I thought shook it off back then.  I'm in DC!  I am cultivating a career!  Everything is great!  But little did I know "It" was sitting in the parking lot doing push ups, yelling, "CHALLENGE!"  So today I am tired.  Tired of caring more about stigma than my own well being.  Tired of putting what people would say in front my my ability to properly care for my children.  Tired of caring more about my ability to be considered "marriage material" instead of my ability to have a healthy relationship.  I have Bipolar Disorder II.  I have known this for years.  Since 2008.  I remember when I sat in the psych doctors office and she and we went over a questionnaire and talked about some of my feelings.  That is when I heard those two words.  Bipolar Disorder.  Hell no.  Not me.  I read "72 Hour Hold." I don't do those things.  She was clearly mistaken.  I would try the Abilify and I hated it.  Oh, my mood was stable but I hated the side effects.  My legs were restless, it made it hard to sit down the majority of my day.  So I just quit.  I quit taking the Abilify, I quit seeing the doctor, I just quit.  I was not going to just accept I was bi-polar.  I was chronically depressed, with some anxiety issues, but I was not bi-polar.  People around me agreed.  "Oh it's not that bad!  They just want to put people on a bunch of just need to pray baby." Four years later I want to tell those people, you were wrong.  So, I am sure you are all wondering how did I finally come to terms with my diagnosis?  After four years of lying to every single doctor who has tried to help, it caught up to me.  This morning  I came crashing down from a episode of what I now know was hypomania that left me and emotional wreck in my office.  I couldn't get any work done because I was just sobbing at my desk.  During this episode, I scheduled plastic surgery for my vaj-jay, looked into buying a home in Samoa, and I called a lot of people and left a lot of voice mails. I wasn't done there.  I called my GYN and told her I wanted to consult for a total hysterectomy, I scheduled a tattoo session, and lastly as some of you may be familiar I rapid posted on my favorite place, Facebook.  What I know about manic episodes is they come to an end and when they end it ends in depression.  Today while driving down 14th street, the mania ended and the depression came down, and it came down hard.  I went to work feeling hopeless, unloved, ugly, broken, damaged.  I would try to "snap out of it", but I couldn't I just....cried.  Finally, I marched myself up to my therapist and I told her what I have always known.  She chastised me about not being honest, and she put me on a mood stabilizer that doubles as an antidepressant, changed my "insomnia" medication (it's not insomnia....its the manic episode...I don't even try to sleep as I am up doing the most).  The point is I did more harm to myself by not being honest with the very people trying to help me.  They thought they were treating one thing when it was really another.  So, no more lies about being "chronically depressed".  I know there is a giant stigma and I would rather deal with that then be a mess.  Most men don't understand, so there will be a lot of "I can't date/marry her, she's crazy!" That's fine.  I would rather be alone and sane than crazy with someone.  I am going to take the next 30 days to get well, so I will not be on Facebook, only to share my blogs and that is it.  I need to focus on getting better and my school work, so those are my priorities.  Here's to healing!  I will keep you all posted!

To Do List

1. Start watching "Girls" the promo looks cool so I'm going to give it a shot.

2. Go back to taking my Celexa. No shame in it. Depression is a disease and if there is medication that can help, I need to take it. I'm two months off and I am a mess.

3. PUT THE CELL PHONE DOWN! This has gotten out of control. I am up until 11 every night on Twitter, IG, and Facebook. It's got to stop. So, starting today no cell phone usage after I step through the door. If anyone needs to reach me they can use a homing pigeon.

4. Exercise. Yes, I'm skinty now, but I need those endorphins.

5. Stop being a people hoarder. You can't keep everyone. Everything has an expiration date.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


You all know I have a policy about not faking the funk on this blog and all I can say about today is, "Damn." For the past four years I have struggled with anxiety attacks and today I had one that debilitated me. The best way to describe it is feeling like an elephant sitting on your chest. All day. I feel so anxious that I get stuck in one place and can't move. It's debilitating. I thought by doing my daughter's hair and taking an Ativan it would blow over. But it didn't. I retreated to my little hole known as my bed and just stayed there until I realized I needed to make dinner. Hopefully it will subside by the morning because I have a job to do and need to do it well.

Saturday, January 12, 2013


I thought I was going to work some OT today, but after driving ALL THE WAY to Hyattsville, I discovered someone was messy and didn't get me the access I needed. The free breakfast from Jason's Deli was nice though. I'm relaxing for the rest of the day....

Friday, January 11, 2013


I know me and my friends have running jokes about the part in the movie, "The Help" where Abileen tells the little girl, "You is smart, you is kind, and you is important." Yes, I cringe over the grammar, but the message is powerful. Abileen knew that the little girl was being raised in a family that was not going to nurture the little girl she was becoming. So Abileen made sure she had positive reinforcement. Well I am going to be my own Abileen. Each morning, I look at that mantra and remind myself that I am an intelligent woman, I am a kind and loving person and I matter.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Mama's Gonna Work It Out

Every so often, something will happen that causes me to pause and take inventory of my life. Lately my biggest task is tackling my insecurities. I wish I saw myself as other people did. I get tired of beating myself up and I am longing for the day that I TRULY love myself. I emphasize "truly" because I have become a master of giving off the illusion of high self esteem. Sure, there are days when I am firing on all cylinders, but there are more days where I wish I was someone else. When I was home, I ran into my sons old babysitter and she was raving about how pretty I looked. You think I took that compliment? No. I stood there and thought about how, yeah I'm pretty, but not PRETTY, if that makes sense. J is always joking that I have a legion of thirst. Where? Who? I my mind ain't nobody checking for me. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to fall in love with me and MEAN IT! The caveat is where do I start? The first place is to spend more time ALONE. Yes, you heard that right. Miss Page needs to roll dolo from state to state! If I need some alone time to see the good in me. Second is to continue my walk with God. It has been a rough one because I am a chronic backslider, but simply put God doesn't make any trash and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There is also a ministry at church dealing with empowerment and I think it would serve me well to participate. Therapy is nice, but sitting on the couch is not enough, there must be some action. I will keep you all posted on my progress.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Street Life

Plush interior
Trying not to stare
Beach Girl
Not used to the
Flashing lights
Mama I want a D Boy
At least that's what I
Whispered under my breath
Curiosity leading me
Calling me to slip sway
To the other side of the world
Where black Acuras shined bright
Gold fangs flashed crooked smiles
Chains swung
And we
Wanted that
Riding around
And getting it before it was popular
Riding shotgun in a whip
The heavy words of Mobb Deep
Blare through the speakers
The smell of Mary laces the air
Admiring my too long nails
Nail tricks by Seneca, Pinky
Happy to experience it all
But in what would seem
Like an funeral that would never end
Handsome men I once chased
Now in one place
Living high numbers
Girls with promise
Shining eyes and optimism
Gave way to hardened hearts
Broken promises to live a Biggie video
Reality sat in
Ten years later
Ten years too late

Thursday, January 3, 2013

ADD Life

Amongst my imperfections is on little friend I like to call, ADD. I was originally diagnosed in 1988, but my mom declined to put me on Ritalin and for duration of my adolescence I had a hard time in school with focusing and staying on task (it was a running theme throughout my school career). Then as an adult, it got REALLY bothersome. I worked in ADD hell aka a call center and I just could not stay in my seat! A large part of my job required that. Lets not even discuss college. I have been to five colleges and I have nary a degree. So, fast forward to now. I am trying to build my IT career and I am in need of some certifications that are going to require all of my focus so about three months ago I saw a doctor and FINALLY got some Concerta, and y' and night!!!! If I had this focus in high school....sheesh! I have been doing well taking it everyday and then I just stopped. I don't know if it was because I was on my chantix regimen I stopped, who knows but I have seen a huge decline in my productivity at work and then today I went to count my pills and between November and December's bottle I had....32. That means I have not taken my medicine in a month. That can't happen. School starts in a week and I need my job. So starting tomorrow I am going to take it everyday like I should.