Friday, August 31, 2012

Ish I Don't Like: Panic Attacks

Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in!!!

After a great day at work and a wonderful evening planned, I picked my son up and it started. While I was talking to the sitter, it felt as if a bag of bricks had been placed on my chest. One by one, each heavier than the next. I didn't hear a word the sitter said. I made my way to the car, breathing labored. Somehow I made my way home and collapsed on the bed. I kept saying to myself, "Calm thoughts..." I did deep breathing and prayed. Slowly a majority of the anxiety subsided. I'm still sitting here flustered by what took place. I honestly thought I was going to die. Hopefully a hot shower and meditation will shake off the rest. In the morning I am going to pick up my Ativan. Rather be safe than sorry the next time around.

Budgets and the Art of Storytelling

Greetings!  It's Friday, and I am soooooo glad that this work week is over.  To say I have survived it is an understatment. 

This week I sat down and did a budget.  I am a budgetphobe by nature, so this was no easy task.  In the past I shied away from putting the pen to the paper and giving an honest account of my spending because it always revealed on thing: I had too many bills and not enough money.  I was also a master of lying to myself about certain catagories.  Entertainment? I spend NOTHING!!!  Lies.  Eating out?  I only eat out once a month! Again, lies.  Currently, my financial situation has improved so I took another stab at making a budget, and I was pleased.  I was honest with myself, I included my happy hours, brunches, and open mic cost and I came out with a nice surplus!!!!!!!  At first I was thinking of all I could do with the extra until I remembered that I have been abased and I have been I know how to live with very little.  As long as my bills are paid and my account is not overdrawn I am happy.  So, I am taking that extra and putting in my savings and watching it grow, grow, grow! 

In literary news, I have entered a storytelling contest at Busboys and Poets.  The prize is $100, but I don't care about that.  I just like talking and telling stories.  The topic is "Life's Tuition: Most Expensive Lesson."  I can spin a wheel and come up with some expensive lessons I have learned.  That is the story of my life, lol.  I will keep you all posted on what I come up with and how the contest goes.

Tonight I am looking forward to hanging with a new friend I met at a Meetup.  We are going to hang out in Silver Spring and it is going to be a blast.  I am happy I took the first step and attended the Red Hook (Spike Lee....check it out) meetup.  I got a chance to meet a lot of fun people that had the same goals and aspirations as myself.  It made me a believer out of "growing your circle." 

Have an amazing weekend!!!!!

Sunday, August 26, 2012


Finally I had a weekend to relax! Yesterday, I headed to Tappahanock to a cookout hosted by my Godmother's family. The rain caused everything to get off to a rocky start, but once it cleared up good times ensued. My parents even came so it was awesome to see them. It also gave me a chance to hear more stories about my dad and mom when they were in the Navy. All I will say is I'm a chip off of both blocks, lol.

This weekend was also a time for me to explore Arlington a little. If you are ever there, CakeLove is the TRUTH! Chunk and I shared a vanilla cupcake with chocolate gnoche and it was DELICIOUS!!!!!!

As stated before, my mom reads this blog and today she echoed a sentiment I have been hearing a lot of lately: I need to write a book! I am, I just don't know where to start and I don't know how to feel because I am still unsure of the premise. I am going to get an outline together and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Friday, August 24, 2012


I'm FINALLY getting a moment to update! Things have been cruising along so far. This will be the first weekend I will get to fully enjoy. I'm so grateful for how far God has brought me. I did not see any of this last year. Getting out my dreams one day at a time,

School is keeping me busy. I am playing to win. Next semester is George Mason. I need a classroom setting. It's no shame in that. Online classes are not for everyone.

I returned to running this week. I did not run in July and it shows a little. Soi have stopped making excuses and I am slitting my runs. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will run a half mile in the morning and a half in the evening. That keeps the muffin top at bay. Tuesday and Thursday I will cross train. I'm thinking about crossfit. Well see about that.

Feeling so hopeful right now! I Just have to stay on track!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


I am giving up on going to bed before 10.....tonight's culprit was my need to study for my economics class and finish my paper. I am too busy this weekend to do it, so I have been staying up late the last two nights to work on it.

This upcoming weekend is going to be straight hotness. My aunt is having a HUGE cookout on Saturday and then I'm going to the Black Girls Run Reunion on Sunday. I'm hoping to meet some new people and maybe even get some runs going in Springfield.

Lately my skin has been going nuts but I have found that dabs of my mud masque help shrink any breakouts. I am going to break down and buy a clarisonic. $150 is steep, but not bad because it delivers results.

You know what I love about DC? There is no shortage of ways to get around! Today, I had training in Arlington and I didn't want to pick up slugs, but I didn't want to sit in guessed it! The Metro! I love it. I'll be happy when Miss Beasley starts back to school because I will be on the metro daily. I like when someone else does the driving. Most of all I like that I have options!

Saturday, August 18, 2012


Today has been a busy day! I haven't mentioned it here, but when I came to DC, I left a lot of stuff in storage. Since I am now settled in Springfield it was time to get ALL of my things up here. Again, J stepped up and coordinated the move from my storage to my house. Him and our friend moved every thing in the truck in an hour and I got lots of thinking time driving back in the uhaul. Today J did a lot of things that let me know I have a winner on my hands. First, he had plans to go to a bachelor party tonight. The move ran long and he missed it, and didn't complain. I appreciate his selflessness because I have dated a few that would have chunked the deuces near party time. The second thing was he drove the goonies back while I drove the uhaul (I live for doing bad ass stuff like driving a 17ft truck). I have driven with my kids and I know they can be rowdy, but J took it in stride. The bottom line is I got to take a good look at what I have and I like it. I am going to remember this day when I want to start a war over a missed phone call or a late answered text. J showed up and was the man when I needed him and that is what matters.

It was weird looking at the empty storage space. It was my last tie home. It was my safety net. If I didn't like it here, no biggie...majority of my stuff was back home. Now, I'm all in. It felt final, but good.

After the move struggle it's time for Miss Page to relax and enjoy what's left of my Saturday.....

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Upacking, Work, and Hitchikers

I am tiiiiiiiiirrrrrreeeeeddddd!!!!!  But it is for a good cause, J came over last night and we had good time.  I missed him to pieces while he was gone and it was so good to see his face.  We had a long conversation about his trip and I caught him up on all the things that have been going on with me.  What I did realize that night, was for all the hooping and hollering I do, I saw last night that J, is here for Miss Page.  Sometimes it is the smallest acts that let you know that someone is on your team.  I think last night , I unpacked one of my many bags......

My job is going well.  I have said many times that the hospital I work for now, reminds me of the old health system that I worked for. I like my co-workers, and what I like best is everyone's willingness to work together.  We had a staff meeting, and for once in my life it was not a complain fest.  We worked toward solutions to problems in our department, instead of just pointing fingers. 

I told my sister about my recent foray into slugging and she had this to say: "Girl, you are essentially picking up hitchikers!!!"  That sissy of mine!  I did have a good laugh about it, but I let her know I am still going to do it because I cannot do the traffic from Duke St onto 14th Street.  Since I have been picking up slugs, my commute anxiety and fustration have gone way down, and I am not racking up late pickup fees from the SACC.  It's working for me, so I am going to keep doing it. 

Breaks over, time to get back to work......

Monday, August 13, 2012

We Be Sluggin'!!

You all KNOW it killed me to make that my title. Today I engaged in a practice known in the DMV as "slugging." To explain, it's where you pick up people going in your direction so you can ride in the HOV-3. Now we all know I am the queen of riding dirty in the HOV so after two tickets, the second which almost ended in an arrest (long story), I was down to pick up some slugs. I did it today and I got from my house to DC in 20 minutes. Usually it takes an hour. I did the same when I got home and I got home dumb early. I like it, plus it's nice to have some company on my commute.

Something else I picked up was NPR. I used to think it had to be the most boring thing in the world, but I didn't give it a chance. There were some good topics discussed. This is important to me because, I live with a two and eight year old, so not a lot of news and current events are on my TV. It keeps me current, so NPR stays in rotation now.

Yesterday I played Wii Fit. As usual, I didn't think much of it because, hey it's a video game, it can't be that hard, right? Wrong. I woke up this morning and EVERYTHING hurt. The upside is I like when it hurts (Scorpio woman...tee hee) that lets me know it's real. This will certainly be apart of my training.

Nothing else to report....I'm headed to bed to do a little reading until my eyes close! Good night....

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Run for your Life

FINALLY I got a run in!!!!!! It was a short run, but Jimmy crack corn it was a run and it felt good! I don't mean to boast but I took a 45 day break and shaved 10 seconds off my pace! Charlie Sheenin' at it's finest. If I could get down to a single digit mile I'd be ok. I looked over my runs and I got all misty eyed looking at when I ran an 20 minute mile seven months ago, and now I do that mile in 10.51. Heck in high school I didn't even run that pace.

I miss my boyfriend. He's across the pond, and I can't wait for him to get back. He called today and I missed it. He left me a cute voicemail and that gave me life lol.

I have discovered I have a lot of friends up here I need to reconnect with. The reason I haven't so far is because I have been so darn busy. It looks as if I am going to start having some free time on the weekends so I look forward to hanging with all of them.

My heart is a little heavy tonight because a friendship I have is coming to an end. We weren't BFF's or anything but we all know I am trying to get some boundaries and this friendship doesn't line up with that. No love lost, I just have to look out for my well being and lately this friend has been exhibiting behaviors that I have spent my life running away from. Maybe it's because she is not aware of my upbringing or maybe it's just the way she operates, but the point is I don't think we are compatible as friends.

Time to hit the hay.....there is a 5:15 am run with my name on it!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Thoughts While Waiting

While waiting for my wax pot to warm up I guess I'll blog a bit...

I discovered why I feel all out of sorts. My surroundings were a mess. I practically live in my car (DC commuter life) and it showed. God only knows the last time it was vacuumed and my room was a mess too. I spent some time today cleaning out my car and organizing my house. I feel centered now. I am also going for an early morning run which I know is going to bring some balance back. I scoped out a route and it has everything I need. Distance and hills. To fight any excuses, I am sleeping in my running clothes so I can wake up and hit the door. I have to get back on track.

I am elated to report Chunkys dad is taking this paying child support thing serious. He calls every payday to make sure the money has arrived. I thank God for whatever convicted him to do the right thing. He even calls to tell Chunky goodnight. The latter is more important because I want them to have a relationship.

After a week off of school, my next mini session is starting. I'm proud that I am maintains my 3.5 with all that is going on around me.

Well, the wax is ready, and it's time for a little pain in exchange for beauty....good night!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

In This Episode.....

Can I take off my cool for a minute? I am feeling all over the place. There have been a lot of changes in the last week so I'm trying to adjust.

Today I got CRAZY lost! Like in Montgomery County lost. It was my fault. Trying to avoid traffic sans GPS. Not a good look....but it's nice out there, definitely a ton of places to eat and shooooooppppppiiiiiinnnggg!!! I will be going back, on purpose lol.

I have decided to skip the Day Party and hit the zoo with my babies. Miss Beasley has really been asking about going, and I'm taking her! I don't spend a lot of quality time with my kids during the week, so my weekend belongs to them. I want them to know that they are still my first priority and this is OUR journey, not just my journey. These two little people made a big move too, and I want to be sensitive to that.

After submitting an article I notice I get bad writers block. It like my life force has been sucked out of me lol. I have got to find a remedy for that.

Thank you ALL for reading, you encourage me, and I hope I encourage you!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Ten Things Off My Chest

*turns down Hello Kitty boombox*

I don't know if I want to blame this on PMS, but today would be a good day for wine.  And Valium.  Lots of valium.  Just kidding, about the valium part at least. So this is going to be a brain dump of things that are on my mind.  No rhyme or reason just because.....

1) Since we are talking "lady problems", and I am now the proud owner of an insurance card, I have made the decision to go ahead and shut down the factory.  I will be 32 this year, I have two kids, I really am not interested in taking another ride on the L&D wagon.  Chunky is almost 3 AND potty trained, I am not in the mood to start all over.

2) J will be out of town for the week so.........y'all know what that means.  There was a joke I wanted to put here but I will leave the issue alone.  I am not sure he would find it funny at this point.

3) Nupes Day Party on Saturday!  I promise not look any Nupe directly in the eyes.  My sister warned to not never get involved with a Kappa.  She said, "If you think you have wall slid over a man.....get involved with a Kappa, you will be wall sliding all over the place." I'm not about that life.  I am however looking forward to meeting some new people.  I have invited a friend from high school to come with me since we are both new to the area.  Each one teach one.

4) Red Hook Summer by Spike Lee.  Check it out. It's gonna be dope.

5) Hennessey and Ginger Ale.  Dope. Shout out to the homie for putting me on.

6) Whole Foods and Trader Joe's is going to get all my money. 

7) Rosewater, Jojoba oil, coconut oil, and vegetable glycerin make a wonderful leave-in/ detangler.  Moisture and happiness have been restored to my hair.

8) Free Scrubs at work. Charlie Sheenin!

9) No poetry lately.  I am having horrible writers block.

10) I would like a hug.  Among other things right now.

Sunday, August 5, 2012


A couple of post back I talked about some agony I faced regarding J's trip to Vegas. Just to briefly recap, J told me it was a guys trip, he gets there calls me and I discover females were invited and came. I know I said I put the upset behind me, but I'm gonna keep it real...I'm still mad. Joe Jackson. It's nice to front and be all "love, light, and forgiveness" but the whole thing doesn't sit right with me. Let's say I did the same thing. I tell him I'm going to Vegas with my girls and SURPRISE! It's dudes here too! I don't think he would be high fiving me. What I really want to know is why he didn't just say all this in the beginning. When you omit information it raises red flags. At least for me it does. We had a discussion about it but I got a vague answer about timeshares and upgrades, but no real answers. What's really eating me up is that making plans with him is an exercise in futility but anyone everyone else is priority. This is not the first time. There was a time during his "I'm really busy" phase I called him and he tells me he was at a day party with his homegirl. But when I asked him about getting together that day he said he had a graduation to go to and wasn't going to available. See why I'm so irritated? Even as I type this I can hear y'all saying "DROP HIS ASS!" but there is a part of me that feels like he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Who knows, but what I am going to do is pray (REAL HARD) watch Oprah's Lifeclass and write....

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Ordinary People

I can admit when I was wrong. Chunky's dad does have a job now and I just received the first child support. He emailed me everyday to see if it arrived and I was maaaaddd cynical. He told me he was just trying to do the right thing now. I was going to reply "yeah right," but I stopped. I can't count how many times I have tried to make changes in my life and people gave me the "yeah right," and I would stop trying to change because I felt there was no point. I don't want my ex husband to feel discouraged. Something convicted him and I am going to let this man be a father and have a seat. It's easy to be mad but hard to forgive. Today I did just that. I forgave him. It's not healthy to hold on to that type of anger.

That's all I have for now, the Marley movie is on and I'm getting my whole life! Goodnight!

Thursday, August 2, 2012


I have so much to say but right now a sister is caught up in life! I am getting settled in Springfield, trying to get acclimated to my surroundings. With all this change, my run game has suffered and I'm feeling a little fluffy. J and I are doing the warrior dash next month and my training needs to start ASAP. Plus, I don't want J dusting me off.

Speaking of J, things are going well. We kinda weathered a little rough spot, and happy we have come to a meeting of the minds. Relationships are work. You have to ask if it's worth hanging in there for, and this case I say, "Yes!"

Miss Beasley is back with me and all is right with the world. I missed her dearly, and I am so happy she is back. She has been a breath of fresh air up here, and I want to show her everything! This weekend I have planned a little outing to the zoo or the Smithsonian. Because she is my child I have a feeling we'll be at the Smithsonian.

This was a small update, but I have some commentary pieces I would like to share....till next time!