Monday, December 31, 2012
Everyone be safe no matter what it is that you decide to do tonight and for the love of God, don’t drink and drive! Here is to a prosperous and happy 2013!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
My Life Uncensored Podcast Ep. 1
Thursday, December 27, 2012
1. Finish the spring semester with nothing less than a 3.5
2. Get this IT career cracking
3. Put on my big girl panties and start navigating the house buying process as it relates to purchasing a foreclosure
4. MORE BIBLE STUDY AT HOME! It's nice to go to church every Sunday, but if I am not studying what I learned, I am not really going to be able to become strong in His word
5. Visit the MLK monument. (Don't judge me)
6. Let go of the past. This is a work in progress, as I am a hoarder when it comes to people and emotions. Oh, that? That's just a grudge I have been holding since 88....
7. Continue running, but it's time to tone. I am down to my "before I ever began the business of gestating" weight, but I want to be solid, no jiggles
8. Connect with people. My friends game night brought me out of my shell a little more. I can recite poetry on a stage all the live long day, but small group settings are a challenge.
9. Take better care of my skin. I give. I am investing in a clarisonic and BB cream. I'm getting older and so is my skin. Most importantly I will hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
10. Dial down the paranoia in my relationship. Not only do I look batshit crazy, I have come to the conclusion that you can't stop deception. Furthermore, any inconsistency does not always mean there is deception, contrary to the teachings in Alyxxs Taylor, lol.
I found this over at the Very Smart Brothas blog and found it very interesting for the station I am in life. J, has a TON of "female friends." They are EVERYWHERE y'all. I refer to them as his "harem" or "binder full of women." There is a real estate agent, a cake maker, several models, and some partridges in a pear tree. J has women y'all. Anywho, I am always questioning how he is friends with half of the female population of DC and California and not one of these women have tried to cross the line. I want to see the receipts. Maybe it is because my interactions with my male friends have always been the opposite. I have yet to have a male friend who has not at least made an attempt to push things over the friend line. My bigger question is, if they try to push things over the friend line, can they still be called a friend?
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Chasing that dream
The dream I thought
I needed, wanted
To discover the dream
Was a nightmare in disguise
Resolution to a life of
Prisoner of my
Running from one
Into the cold sadness
In a place where
Kush, cover girl, and Herve
A gaping wound
Oozing emptiness and sorrow
Held together by the occasional
No one is safe
I looked for a way to exhale
But I was
Choked to death by my loving nature
This morning has been a little emotional rollercoaster for me. My mom forgot to hang up her phone last night when she tried to call me, and I caught the tail end of my dad saying some not so nice things about me. For the sake of my sanity, I am not going to go through all that was said, but long story short it wasn't nice and it hurt like hell. For everyone playing at home, my father and I have a HORRIBLE relationship. He doesn't like me, and I am not a fan of him either. When I am around him I get the sense that he feels like I am a huge disappointment. He isn't very communicative either which makes things even harder. I can count on one hand how many times we have talked on the phone this year and when is displeased with something I have done, he uses my sister as a mouthpiece. If he is upset with me, I wish he would talk to ME. I have had the same phone number for the last 2 years, he knows where I am, I just don't get it. I want to call him up and bless him out this morning, but I didn't. I sent him a text and let him know what I heard and I forwarded him the voicemail and that I felt after 32 years of all this passive agressive disdain, I quit. I don't have the energy for it anymore. I have spent a lot of years trying to hurt him the way he has me and all it has done has left me damaged and gave him the ammunition to continue. I am just done.
In better news, I have come to the conclusion that in order to garner more writing gigs, I am going to have to just put myself out there. I am a little shy at times, but I am learning fast that is not going to help me. Networking will be key and I am going to have to open my mouth (pause, lol) to get what I want. Tonight I am going to a networking event that will give me a chance to meet some new people and get my business cards out there (yes, Miss Page has arrived...I have cards...lol). I will let you all know how it goes!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
2. When and where I choose to check my iPod, phone, or anything else is my business. I don't know if all of the population is aware but phones and other devices of that ilk can be used of MILLION other things. Most of the times I am blogging, writing notes, pinning or whatever. Most of the time I am doing it because I am either bored or....it doesn't matter because I am a grown up.
3. All of my friends have quirks that I have just learned are a part of who they are. We are all a little older and have lived life so I know when a behavior of one of my friends displays might just generally be the way that they are. I am not on a crusade to change my friends into Victoria Clones, I want them to be themselves. Variety is what makes life interesting.
4. I backslid into apologizing for my feelings. Nope, not going back down that road. Do I need to think before I speak? Absolutely. But I am not going back to censoring every little thing I say. If you back to the beginning of this blog, that was the reason why I started this. Every aspect of my life was censored and I was trapped in a jail where the backlash from self-expression was tremendous. I understand time and place, but I won't be a doormat either.
Thanks for listening!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Career wise, all I can say is FAVOR!!!!! I never would have thought that in a million years that a meeting at a story telling contest would lead me to the world of freelancing. I have always been squemish about calling myself a writer, because I just didn't think I was good at it "for real for real." But thanks to a lot of you who read and message me, I have been encouraged and I proudly say today, I am a freelance writer. In the upcoming year, I will be showcasing some of my work here and on my other blog,"Soundtrack to My Life." I thank you all for all of your support and kind words!
J and I have made it to a year! What a year it has been!!!! There has been a lot of raw emotions, laughs, good times, bad times, and REALLY bad times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. This relationship has certainly made me look inward and I have learned that I can't place the blame on all my behaviors on another party. Everything can't be everyone elses fault. Growth y'all....it feels good. Let's see what happens in 2013.
Have a wonderful and safe Christmas and New Year everyone! (still working on those conclusions....lol)
Sunday, December 16, 2012
I am frustrated AS HELL with J right now. I have no idea what has happened to my relationship, but somehow, we have regressed into "something" where we only see each other at night and if he wants to see me. Of course, I want to see my boyfriend so I am picking times that are just not acceptable. But it's either that or I won't see him at all. The whole thing is starting to feel one sided. If I try to make plans I get a maybe or cancelled on. I am particularly sensitive about this because J was talking to me a few weeks back and he mentioned how one of the females he hangs with is funny about picking up the check when they go out to eat. Pause. Let that marinate in your spirit. I am over here taking what little time I can get, but can go to brunch with her? FOH! J stated today that he didn't feel I was happy and he may be right, or this may be another "I'm fixing to dump you, and this is my way to make it about you." Oh I have had that game ran on me before, so I know what it looks like. Reciprocity has turned into a tug of war.....
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I was in "writers mode" and took some notes for some freelance work. I am checking a few calendars at some nature publications and I will sumbit them on spec. See, you can work and have fun too.
Well after all the walking and the like, I am going to crawl into this warm bed and pinch myself.....xoxo!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
1) I have roof over my head, food in my fridge, a car to drive, clothes to wear and a job to go to every morning.
2) My children are healthy and happy and we are together
3) My unexpected entry into freelancing
4) I have disposable income for the first time in 8 years
5) My sprained ankle, that I thought would hinder my workouts, is healed and I am back to running
6) I have amazing friends and family
7) God loves me
8) I am a NON SMOKER!! (More on that later)
There you have it! So today, perhaps was not such a bad day at all, in the grand scheme of things. In life, there will be high points and low points and I am going to put focus on the positive things while working through the hard stuff.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
J came over, we laughed and talked. I discovered that I don't know how to be in a drama free relationship. I am going to work on this because I want to learn how to be in a relationship where you just talk and disagree. No name calling and yelling, just discussion. Long story short, when we said our good nights, there was a mutual understanding that we knew where the other one stood. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones without words. Good night!!!!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Motherhood these days is proving to be very interesting as my children are changing and growing. Miss Beasley is turning into a pre-teen before my very eyes and I AM NOT READY Y'ALL!!!! Saturday morning I detected some moodiness and I asked her what was wrong. Her reply? "I am annoyed." Annoyed. Where is my happy, playful 2 year old???? Who is this "annoyed" child in my house??? I need answers. On the other hand my son is finally potty trained (day and night trained) and he has turned into a little chatterbox. I remember when he was two, I was concerned because he was not saying the amount of words recommened by the pediatrician. I worried my mama to death about his speech, or lack thereof. I am proud to say that Chunky talks from sun up to sun down, much to my chagrin.
I wish I had time to write more, but this stack of work on my desk is calling me......xoxo!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thanksgiving is approaching and I can't wait to see all of my family together. We are small in number but big in love. I fuss about them sometimes but I wouldn't trade them for the world!
Speaking of Thankgsiving, I flashback to this time last year when J and I were on very early stages of our relationship. I thought it was cute how he shared his plans (Going to see a Prince Tribute band) and updated me on his Thanksgiving activities. To be honest it was his message to me inquiring about my blog hiatus that prompted me to write a post that day. What a difference a year makes. Things aren't that bad but he gave me some info to let me know I may not be the one. He was straight up and told me he didn't know if he could deal with all my "extra." Ouch. I know now that need to pull back a little because something about that message, gave me the inclination that long term with me may not be something he can deal with and you all know I live for reciprocity. I don't want to get hurt, so I just need to keep those words in mind.
The New Year is coming up and I have a few small freelance assignments I am pursuing. The thing I am most excited about is my recent opportunity to Volunteer with the Woman's Alliance in Washington, DC. This weekend I watched a move titled, "The Other City" and I was blown away. The story that touch me most was that of J'Mia Edwards, a 32 year old single mother living with HIV. I found her story so touching because she is a single mother and I can't imagine how hard that can be especially when you battling disease. So instead of sitting my perch and saying, "How dreadful," I decided to get out there to urge women to practice safe sex and explain all the options available.
Well it's time for me to get some sleep! xoxoxo
Saturday, November 17, 2012
After her graduation we (my parents came from out of town) went to the outlet and finished up with dinner nearby. Later my Aunt and my God brother came by and they all reminisced on their time in Guam and my children were in seventh heaven playing with my God brother. So in mid conversation, my aunt ask me what I need for my new abode, she wanted to give me some housewarming gifts. I started listing a few odds and ends and her and my mom split the list and there you have it. As we drove back from Target, I began to think about all the years and energy I have spent on my quest to feel loved. I will be honest and say 90% of the foolish things I have done were because I wanted someone to love me. Well tonight I stepped back from staring at the single tree and looked at the forrest. I HAVE BEEN LOVED THE WHOLE TIME!!! Every time my mom was there for me when people cried, "Let her fall", that was love. When my aunt opened her home to me for free when I first got here, that was love. When Tee and Red Velvet call because they sensed I was feeling down, that was love! I could sit here all night and go over all the times I was shown love, but I was to blind to see it!!! I'm out here searching and doing the most for something I already have. I will probably have a good soul cleansing cry tonight because this is a major revelation for me. Time to turn in, my baby is running her first 5k in the morning, and I have some cheering to do!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I had more I wanted to post, but Miss Page is exhausted and I need some recovery time, lol. Peace....
Monday, October 29, 2012
I have a "friend", that met a guy who in my opinion and based on the stories she would tell me did not really like her. He told her often he didn't want a relationship with her and I would see her upset about him. So I'm not gonna lie, I got on my high horse about having a "real boyfriend." In the last two days my mouth has been shut wide open. We are in the middle of a hurricane, and I came home yesterday ( we are roommates until Wednesday) and he was there with ALL his emergency preparedness stuff. When I got up this morning he was helping her put on her rainwear so they could walk her dog and he brought walkie talkies so the could keep in touch ( yeah I know). Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am struggling to get my kids in the car and they are both giving me the "poor unfortunate single mother look." J already let me know there wasn't gonna be any hanging at his house because he wasn't trying to hear a two and eight year old disturb the peace, so we are riding it out just the three of us. J facebooked me to see if I made it to work safe and that was about it. The point I'm making, is I spent all this time passing judgement on someone else's relationship, and mine isn't all that perfect either. I'm not even allowed to tell people who my man is and I will never forget one time before a friend of his came over he told me he was going to just "treat me like a friend" because he didn't want him knowing I was his girl. So, the next time I get ready to throw that stone, I'll be sure to look around....
2. The jokes about my "Imaginary Boyfriend"
3. Dunkin Dounuts is closed
4. My third and final move in the DMV is going to leave me peniless for the next two weeks
5. This hurricane
Luckily I am getting off early, and I am going to take that time to enjoy some wine and take a nap. Tip of the day: People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. This time, that applies to me. Which is probably why I am so mad ;)
Friday, October 26, 2012
God has a sense of humor and I'm laughing along with Him! So earlier, J told me he was going to the Skins vs Eagles game and I didn't think anything of it (G-Men ALL day!).....until, I saw the date they play: 11/11. I'll let y'all marinate on that. For those playing along at home, that is my birthday. Well, damn. I can't be mad because he's sitting damn near on the field and no normal person would turn that down. So I guess the only Birthday Sex happening around here is a solo mission. It's funny to me because I have been thinking about my walk with God and, um....I am 100% sure fornication is not okay. So basically, God said, "Ma'am, no." It's okay because my friends will be here, so Miss Page won't be lonely. What am I talking about? I have two kids I won't be lonely until 2027,lol.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Speaking of being a better with my money, I had plans this year to have my birthday party at Stadium, but I think I'm gonna just hold onto my coins. I want to bounce back from this and then I'll worry about a birthday party. Last year, I had a dinner date at PF Changs and that was just fine with me. At this point, I'll take peace and quiet with a glass of wine and some good movies. I will say this, I will be appreciating my trip to CR more than I have been.
Just a small update....thank God tomorrow is Friday!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, I had the pleasure of speaking to a group of students about my career in healthcare and how I got there. I was surprised at how open I was and I was really surprised by their multitude of questions. It helped them realize that healthcare is so vast, and it made me realize, that even on an administrative level, my job is important. That day, I also started my first day of my CCNA certification class. It is supposed to prepare me for my exam which I am taking in January. My day was going soooo well, that I decided to hit U street with one of my Meetup friends. This is where shit went left. We had a ball at Marvin's soaking up the atmosphere, then we headed to Patty Boom Boom to dance. I was having a ball, until this asshat decided that he needed to touch my cakes. I understand that it's tight in the club but this was not a "bump-into-you-by-accident" type thing, this was grope. I turned around and told him, using some colorful language not to touch me. His response? "Stupid bitch!" and then it happened. He threw half of his damn drink at me. I'll let y'all absorb that for a minute. All I know is I was cursing like a crazy person while my friend dragged me away to the other side. I was hot. I wanted to hit him, throw my shoe, kick him in the nuts...anything. I was angry and humiliated. We left and got in the car and as I pulled down the visor to check my makeup in the mirror, my friend lamented that worse could happened, hell this is DC. True, but it was just too damn much for me. Does this mean I'll stop going on U street? No. I wasn't in the wrong, but I will be cooling my heels until my birthday.
The next day, I decided to check out a church that one of my carpool buddies recommended. Let me tell you, the church is BEAUTIFUL!!! They had so many interesting ministries, a well organized children's ministry ( I can listen to the WHOLE sermon!!!) and the bookstore was dope. I was ushered to my seat and the praise and worship segment was wonderful. I began to praise God for how far he has brought me and the more I thought about how the Blood has and will cover me I began to thank Him even more. The pastor came up and said, "There is someone who wants to be saved right now..." y'all that person was me. It was on my heart. For the first time in a long time I have everything I have wanted but I still felt empty and you know why? I fell out of relationship with the one who made it possible. I have been so busy trying to keep up with world, I forgot who I serve. I made my way to the alter with tears in my eyes and as I walked it felt as if every burden had been lifted. All that baggage and misery just melted away. I hugged the pastor and cried on his shoulder. It was a purging moment. I let go of all hurt, pain, and disappointment. As I stood and others joined me at the alter I looked on my right, and I there was a friend that I had not seen in years! We hugged and cried at that alter! It was a moment, and I was so happy to see her! What was funny was I was going to call her when I was on my way there but I remembered seeing she was taking a cruise, and I thought she was still on vacation. It's funny how God works. The whole day was beautiful. When I got home, I had a terrible migraine, I took some medicine and laid down. I told J some of what happened the night before, but we kept missing each others calls. He called and facebooked me while I was sleep. When I finally woke up, he was at my door. He was worried and drove over to check on me. Sweetest thing, ever. It was nice of him to make sure I was ok, and I will add him to the list of people I KNOW are gonna come looking for me if I ever come up missing.
Well, tomorrow is another day, I have a little rebound headache so I am headed to bed!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Speaking of my daughter, this weekend was a doozie. The transition from summer to fall is always a hard one for an asthmatic. Early Sunday morning, we were preparing to go to church and I noticed she was struggling really hard to breathe. I gave her one breathing treatment and her lungs still sounded like a squeaky rocking chair. I gave her another one and no progress. Immediately, I put her in the car and we rode to the children's hospital. I was nervous because she has never been to any other hospital but CHKD, so I didn't know what to expect. The staff at Inova were wonderful! The nurses and the doctors took very good care of her and eight hours, two breathing treatments, and oral steriods later, she was as good as new.
As far as my son goes, I cannot believe he will be three next month. It feels like Injust brought him home from the hospital. I think it is safe to say he is on the road to being poty trained. I have not bought pull-ups in two weeks!!!!!! The only down side is I am washing bedspreads and sheets every other night because he not completely night trained. It's okay though, whatever it takes to get him using the potty.
I am gearing up for my visit this weekend to a Yoga retreat. In preparation, I have been doing more research on silent retreats and what others experiences have been. I am also working on becoming more organized in my life. I am proud of myself for keeping up with my budget and creating a filing system to help me keep track of various projects I have going. Most of this new found zeal for being organized can be credited to me restarting my ADD medication Concerta. It has really helped me stay on track at work and it amazing how well I follow through with my day to day job duties. There was a time, if something was delegated to me, you could pretty much ensure that it wasn't going to get done. I would get the assignment, push it out of view , daydream, and forget about it until someone asked me about it, and then the scramble would begin. The only downside is my appetite has disappeared. I have lost a substantial amount of weight and while I like it, I don't want to look emaciated. I have incorporated smoothies and fresh veggies ( sugar peas and carrots are my favorite) to keep fuel in my tank. I'm hoping that evens things out.
That's all I have for now.......peace and blessings!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
I don't know what is going on with me and J. I guess things are ok, but this weekend anger ensued when I made a crack about him going to see his ex girlfriend for the weekend (aka "his unicorn"). I was just joking but he took it serious, so we worked through that. Then this morning I get a call asking if I had been going through his phone and did I call one of his friends. Now if there is one thing EVERYONE knows about Miss Page, is I do not play on anyone's phone. I have had it done to me, I hate it, and I think it is a bad idea all around. For the record, on my children's lives, I did not call his friend, but it did make me wonder who did.
For the first time in months, last night I cried myself to sleep, while listening to "Someday W'ell All Be Free" on repeat. Not to be morbid, but I can't lie, I will be happy when I am done with the troubles of the world (please put that on my funeral program....please and thank you, lol). I wish I was just more comfortable with myself and I am starting to think that moment may never come. No matter how many pills I take, how much therapy I go to, it's not happening for me. As I lay in bed, Donnie's words enveloping my broken heart, I wondered how he felt when he jumped from the ledge. This man had a beautiful voice and unspeakable talent and he still couldn't find his peace. I am in the same place right now. Standing on the ledge. I have so much to live for, but there is a part of me that is hurting so bad I just want to hit that reset button. I wish there was such a thing as second chances. So many things I would have done differently. All of my poor decisions have left their indelible mark on my life. Nobody is checking for the clinically depressed girl with self-esteem issues. I feel like that dented can in the back of the supermarket, 50% off. You want it because it's a deal, but you don't really want it. Ugggggghhhh.....I am praying everyday for a change. I don't want anymore meds, I want organic happiness. I want organic sleep. I want to feel good on my own.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Last night, I hadn't heard from J after he said he would call and check on me. I was a little peeved so I sent him a goodnight text and made a little crack about him going to see his ex. Well, he let me know this morning he was not pleased and didn't feel like talking to me. I'm not mad about that at all. I probably shouldn't have said that, but it happened. I forgave myself and I'm moving on. I don't know what he's going to do, but I am not going to beat myself up over it. What I am going to do is help my girl prepare for this NY Giants meetup.....red velvet cupcakes courtesy of moi. Have a great Sunday everyone and GO GIANTS!!!!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I have been thinking about this quote all day and how it related to my life. In the last 5 months, I have learned a lot and grown even more. Where I was once indecisive, I stand firm. Last night, I thought about what I wanted for my life. As I went through my list I discovered there are some things that won't be making it to the next season. I am cutting loose anything or any one who brings negativity to me. Life is short, I don't want to die knowing I spent my life mired in negativity. Today I was reminded by three of my friends that I have a cheering section and I'm their cheering section any day of the week. You can't buy that kind of loyalty. I have also stopped trying so hard to be "in love." What is for me, is for me. No need to force something that's not there. Relationships are a lot of work, and there should always be dual effort. If there isn't walk away life is too short to chase someone who doesn't reciprocate what you put out. That's all my wisdom for the night....
FYI: Looking for a guest blogger...
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I am sitting here feeling a liiiiittttlllee but hurt because J and his homies went out to celebrate, and they brought their girls. True I partied hard Friday, and I was worn down, but I felt some kinda way I didn't get an invite. I'm not tripping because it was a miscommunication, but what this really about is my self esteem not being up to par. I am used to men only "dating" me during the hours of 10am-6am. It has given me the complex that men are ashamed of me because I am not this skinny, fashionable "bad bitch." my subconscious is screaming"EWWWW WHY WOULD HE TAKE YOU OUT AROUND HIS FRIENDS? YOUR CLOTHES COME FROM OLD NAVY, YOU DON'T HAVE AN IMPORTANT CAREER, and YOU DON'T FIT IN." J has never said any of this, but it's how I feel. I have to start loving myself more. It's time I accept Miss Page the way she is. I'm a good mother, ambitious, smart, hard working, generous and loving. I just need to believe it! I AM ENOUGH!!! I think it's time to lay on that couch again. Speaking of therapy, I am kicking ass on my codependency issues. I have surpassed the need to swing from J's nuts. Change is a process and I'm taking it one day at a time. I just need confidence and I'm going to work harder to build it up.
Well it's time for me get some rest, love day ahead.....
Saturday, September 22, 2012
2. My daughter:Chunky as Stewie:Lois. She's trying to kill him, y'all. She is not here for his shenanigans. If he's doing something dangerous she will cheer him on. She feels like he takes up all my time. To help, I am going to carve out more "Girl Time."
3. Bronzer is THE best thing that has happened to me makeup wise. It gives my look that extra "umph."
4. If you take the HOV to 395 North, and pass the get off for Franconia-Springfield, you cannot get off ANY where else!!!! I did this today and had to go all the way to the Pentagon and turn around.
It's been one heck of a day, I have a lot more to share, but your girl is BEAT!!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
August 20, 2008 is a day that I will never forget. It was on this day that I almost succeeded in taking my own life.
The summer of 2008 had not been kind to me at all. First there was Terrance cancelling our wedding and breaking up with me, following that I had an abortion (worst experience of my life), and my “relationship” with the man who is now my ex-husband was unraveling. I arrived home from work and there was a note on my door from the rental office threatening to evict me. I looked at my phone, it was the credit union calling to find out when I would catch up my car loan. The world was caving in on me, everything felt like darkness. I put my daughter in her room and I sat on my living room couch and began to cry. Usually crying is very cleansing for me, but this time it wasn’t. Something inside me said, “See how invaluable you are? No one cares for you. You could not possibly be a good person because no one wants you.” Blindly, I stumbled to my kitchen drawer where I kept a stash of Tylenol PM. It was a new box, so systematically I opened each little packet and swallowed each pill. I felt a strange wave of calm come over me, the suffering was going to come to an end. In the back of my head, I knew the Tylenol PM was not going to be enough. I found my xanax and swallowed down the remaining 27 day supply. Ten minutes later I began to feel sleepy. During this time, I decided to call my mother and my best friend and tell them good-bye. My mother hung up on me in a rush to get to my apartment, and my best friend called the police. The next thing I know, Chesapeake Police, Fire and Rescue were at my house and I was being loaded onto a stretcher, while I feebly waved good bye to my daughter.
In the ambulance I screamed to anyone listening that I did not want to be saved. My calls went unanswered as the techs went about the business of asking me the standard questions.
“M’am did you mean to harm yourself?”
“How long have you felt this way?”
“Have you ever had thoughts of suicide before?”
When we arrived at the hospital, I was put in an observation room and a psych doctor came to evaluate me. She called out to one of the nurses to get the activated charcoal, and I groggily wondered what that was for. I would soon find out. The nurse handed me a Styrofoam cup with a black liquid that looked like tar. “Drink.”, she ordered. I did as I was told and it was disgusting. “You have to finish the whole cup, if not we will have to pump your stomach.” I drank and cried. I looked at my mother sitting in the chair next to my bed. She looked so worried, tired. I put that worry there. I went back to feeling like shit. After drinking the charcoal, I was ready to go home. I wasn’t dead, mission was not accomplished, I wanted to go home. I asked a nurse who was passing by when I was going home, and he said, “We’ll see…..it’s up to the doctor if she thinks you are stable enough to go home.” When the pysch doctor returned, I asked if I could leave and she said, “ I really don’t think it is a good idea, perhaps we can admit you to psych for evaluation.” A lump formed in my throat, the thought of not going home made me mad, but I kept my composure. “You have to let me go home. I have my little girl, and work. I have to go home.” At that moment, I realized that I had a purpose. It may not have been what I thought it was going to be, but I still had time.......
Till Next Time.....
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The story writing contest is next Wednesday and I have narrowed it down to four pieces, I just don't know which one to use. At the suggestion of my mother, I have started writing my "life story." I have an exerpt ready and I will share it tonight. It is sort of like therapy to write out some of the things I have been through. Writing your life story is emotionally taxing. There have been many times where I have been recounting an event and waves of sadness or happiness will come over me. The hardest part is making it all come together.
Today I found myself in a weird situation. I thought by leaving my hometown, that I would escape all the "six degrees" that seems to separate everyone. Wrong. A few months ago, a friend of mine invited me to where he relocated to work on my app, and while I was there he was going to introduce me to a few of his female friends. Through the magic of Facebook, I saw that one of the girls was a mutual friend of my friends and J. I asked my friend a couple of questions, and he did tell me that she used to have a boyfriend that she was serious about in DC. Guess who that boyfriend was y'all? J. I immediatley realized who she was. A few months back, J and I were in the mall and while we were together he was in an intense text conversation. His phone was flipped over, and when a new message popped up it showed the sender was a female. I asked him about it, and he said it was just a friend from out of town. Well, I now know that it was not just a friend, it was his ex girlfriend. I'll give you all a minute to process that. What I am most upset about is that he didn't tell me the truth. When I asked him why, he told me that he just didn't think I would take the truth well at the time. That may very well be, but the truth is, he wasn't honest. Honesty is all I ask of anyone in my life. I try my hardest to be an open book in my relationships, face up, all trust. My heart is hurt that he didn't do the same.....again. This is where my new found boundries come into play. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you, and somewhere along the way I gave the impression that this was ok. He admitted he was wrong, but y'all know me, once the seed of doubt has been planted, it grows into a wildflower. I am too sure that if J found out that I was texting my ex, whilst sitting right next to him, my ass would be fired. Immediately. I don't know, y'all.......I am going to have to pray on this one, because this is the second time, and everyone has a limit.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
I have a little poetry for y'all....nothing major. Enjoy!
Beautiful Sunday morning
Hint of fall
The soundtrack of nature
Dog-earned Fifty Shades of Graded
The feeling of a dream realized
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
On my way home yesterday, I picked up two slugs and one of them was the mother of one of Chunky's classmates. We are now carpool buddies and the coolest thing is she is also from Virginia Beach. She has been here for almost two years and is Team Single Mom like myself. On our ride to work today we talked about what life is like being up here and being a single mom. She told me I was lucky I at least had a boyfriend to hang with (put a pin in that). I told her I still get lonely because my boyfriend has his, ahem, own life. We have made plans to hang out on Saturday, and I am happy. I am gaining a small little circle of hanging buddies up here and I like it. What I am really excited for, is Friday night. While looking for something to do on Friday, I came across a place on U Street (my favorite place to hang) called Patty Boom Boom. They serve patties and rum punch, but the best part is upstairs. From what I understand it's reggae and dancehall alllllllll night! I am prepared to get my life!!!!!!! It is everything I love about going out. Strong liquor and dancing until I am drenched. People up here don't really dance when they go out, everyone is just standing around trying to look important. I just want a night out where I dance my cares away, and I am going to get it on Friday. Plus, I can do a little bar hopping at Marvin's and a few other places while I am down there.
So far, things are going well here and I hope to keep the momentum going!!!
Friday, August 31, 2012
After a great day at work and a wonderful evening planned, I picked my son up and it started. While I was talking to the sitter, it felt as if a bag of bricks had been placed on my chest. One by one, each heavier than the next. I didn't hear a word the sitter said. I made my way to the car, breathing labored. Somehow I made my way home and collapsed on the bed. I kept saying to myself, "Calm thoughts..." I did deep breathing and prayed. Slowly a majority of the anxiety subsided. I'm still sitting here flustered by what took place. I honestly thought I was going to die. Hopefully a hot shower and meditation will shake off the rest. In the morning I am going to pick up my Ativan. Rather be safe than sorry the next time around.
This week I sat down and did a budget. I am a budgetphobe by nature, so this was no easy task. In the past I shied away from putting the pen to the paper and giving an honest account of my spending because it always revealed on thing: I had too many bills and not enough money. I was also a master of lying to myself about certain catagories. Entertainment? I spend NOTHING!!! Lies. Eating out? I only eat out once a month! Again, lies. Currently, my financial situation has improved so I took another stab at making a budget, and I was pleased. I was honest with myself, I included my happy hours, brunches, and open mic cost and I came out with a nice surplus!!!!!!! At first I was thinking of all I could do with the extra until I remembered that I have been abased and I have been abound.....so I know how to live with very little. As long as my bills are paid and my account is not overdrawn I am happy. So, I am taking that extra and putting in my savings and watching it grow, grow, grow!
In literary news, I have entered a storytelling contest at Busboys and Poets. The prize is $100, but I don't care about that. I just like talking and telling stories. The topic is "Life's Tuition: Most Expensive Lesson." I can spin a wheel and come up with some expensive lessons I have learned. That is the story of my life, lol. I will keep you all posted on what I come up with and how the contest goes.
Tonight I am looking forward to hanging with a new friend I met at a Meetup. We are going to hang out in Silver Spring and it is going to be a blast. I am happy I took the first step and attended the Red Hook (Spike Lee....check it out) meetup. I got a chance to meet a lot of fun people that had the same goals and aspirations as myself. It made me a believer out of "growing your circle."
Have an amazing weekend!!!!!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
This weekend was also a time for me to explore Arlington a little. If you are ever there, CakeLove is the TRUTH! Chunk and I shared a vanilla cupcake with chocolate gnoche and it was DELICIOUS!!!!!!
As stated before, my mom reads this blog and today she echoed a sentiment I have been hearing a lot of lately: I need to write a book! I am, I just don't know where to start and I don't know how to feel because I am still unsure of the premise. I am going to get an outline together and see what happens. Wish me luck!
Friday, August 24, 2012
School is keeping me busy. I am playing to win. Next semester is George Mason. I need a classroom setting. It's no shame in that. Online classes are not for everyone.
I returned to running this week. I did not run in July and it shows a little. Soi have stopped making excuses and I am slitting my runs. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will run a half mile in the morning and a half in the evening. That keeps the muffin top at bay. Tuesday and Thursday I will cross train. I'm thinking about crossfit. Well see about that.
Feeling so hopeful right now! I Just have to stay on track!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
This upcoming weekend is going to be straight hotness. My aunt is having a HUGE cookout on Saturday and then I'm going to the Black Girls Run Reunion on Sunday. I'm hoping to meet some new people and maybe even get some runs going in Springfield.
Lately my skin has been going nuts but I have found that dabs of my mud masque help shrink any breakouts. I am going to break down and buy a clarisonic. $150 is steep, but not bad because it delivers results.
You know what I love about DC? There is no shortage of ways to get around! Today, I had training in Arlington and I didn't want to pick up slugs, but I didn't want to sit in traffic...you guessed it! The Metro! I love it. I'll be happy when Miss Beasley starts back to school because I will be on the metro daily. I like when someone else does the driving. Most of all I like that I have options!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
It was weird looking at the empty storage space. It was my last tie home. It was my safety net. If I didn't like it here, no biggie...majority of my stuff was back home. Now, I'm all in. It felt final, but good.
After the move struggle it's time for Miss Page to relax and enjoy what's left of my Saturday.....
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My job is going well. I have said many times that the hospital I work for now, reminds me of the old health system that I worked for. I like my co-workers, and what I like best is everyone's willingness to work together. We had a staff meeting, and for once in my life it was not a complain fest. We worked toward solutions to problems in our department, instead of just pointing fingers.
I told my sister about my recent foray into slugging and she had this to say: "Girl, you are essentially picking up hitchikers!!!" That sissy of mine! I did have a good laugh about it, but I let her know I am still going to do it because I cannot do the traffic from Duke St onto 14th Street. Since I have been picking up slugs, my commute anxiety and fustration have gone way down, and I am not racking up late pickup fees from the SACC. It's working for me, so I am going to keep doing it.
Breaks over, time to get back to work......
Monday, August 13, 2012
Something else I picked up was NPR. I used to think it had to be the most boring thing in the world, but I didn't give it a chance. There were some good topics discussed. This is important to me because, I live with a two and eight year old, so not a lot of news and current events are on my TV. It keeps me current, so NPR stays in rotation now.
Yesterday I played Wii Fit. As usual, I didn't think much of it because, hey it's a video game, it can't be that hard, right? Wrong. I woke up this morning and EVERYTHING hurt. The upside is I like when it hurts (Scorpio woman...tee hee) that lets me know it's real. This will certainly be apart of my training.
Nothing else to report....I'm headed to bed to do a little reading until my eyes close! Good night....
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I miss my boyfriend. He's across the pond, and I can't wait for him to get back. He called today and I missed it. He left me a cute voicemail and that gave me life lol.
I have discovered I have a lot of friends up here I need to reconnect with. The reason I haven't so far is because I have been so darn busy. It looks as if I am going to start having some free time on the weekends so I look forward to hanging with all of them.
My heart is a little heavy tonight because a friendship I have is coming to an end. We weren't BFF's or anything but we all know I am trying to get some boundaries and this friendship doesn't line up with that. No love lost, I just have to look out for my well being and lately this friend has been exhibiting behaviors that I have spent my life running away from. Maybe it's because she is not aware of my upbringing or maybe it's just the way she operates, but the point is I don't think we are compatible as friends.
Time to hit the hay.....there is a 5:15 am run with my name on it!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I discovered why I feel all out of sorts. My surroundings were a mess. I practically live in my car (DC commuter life) and it showed. God only knows the last time it was vacuumed and my room was a mess too. I spent some time today cleaning out my car and organizing my house. I feel centered now. I am also going for an early morning run which I know is going to bring some balance back. I scoped out a route and it has everything I need. Distance and hills. To fight any excuses, I am sleeping in my running clothes so I can wake up and hit the door. I have to get back on track.
I am elated to report Chunkys dad is taking this paying child support thing serious. He calls every payday to make sure the money has arrived. I thank God for whatever convicted him to do the right thing. He even calls to tell Chunky goodnight. The latter is more important because I want them to have a relationship.
After a week off of school, my next mini session is starting. I'm proud that I am maintains my 3.5 with all that is going on around me.
Well, the wax is ready, and it's time for a little pain in exchange for beauty....good night!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Today I got CRAZY lost! Like in Montgomery County lost. It was my fault. Trying to avoid traffic sans GPS. Not a good look....but it's nice out there, definitely a ton of places to eat and shooooooppppppiiiiiinnnggg!!! I will be going back, on purpose lol.
I have decided to skip the Day Party and hit the zoo with my babies. Miss Beasley has really been asking about going, and I'm taking her! I don't spend a lot of quality time with my kids during the week, so my weekend belongs to them. I want them to know that they are still my first priority and this is OUR journey, not just my journey. These two little people made a big move too, and I want to be sensitive to that.
After submitting an article I notice I get bad writers block. It like my life force has been sucked out of me lol. I have got to find a remedy for that.
Thank you ALL for reading, you encourage me, and I hope I encourage you!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I don't know if I want to blame this on PMS, but today would be a good day for wine. And Valium. Lots of valium. Just kidding, about the valium part at least. So this is going to be a brain dump of things that are on my mind. No rhyme or reason just because.....
1) Since we are talking "lady problems", and I am now the proud owner of an insurance card, I have made the decision to go ahead and shut down the factory. I will be 32 this year, I have two kids, I really am not interested in taking another ride on the L&D wagon. Chunky is almost 3 AND potty trained, I am not in the mood to start all over.
2) J will be out of town for the week so.........y'all know what that means. There was a joke I wanted to put here but I will leave the issue alone. I am not sure he would find it funny at this point.
3) Nupes Day Party on Saturday! I promise not look any Nupe directly in the eyes. My sister warned to not never get involved with a Kappa. She said, "If you think you have wall slid over a man.....get involved with a Kappa, you will be wall sliding all over the place." I'm not about that life. I am however looking forward to meeting some new people. I have invited a friend from high school to come with me since we are both new to the area. Each one teach one.
4) Red Hook Summer by Spike Lee. Check it out. It's gonna be dope.
5) Hennessey and Ginger Ale. Dope. Shout out to the homie for putting me on.
6) Whole Foods and Trader Joe's is going to get all my money.
7) Rosewater, Jojoba oil, coconut oil, and vegetable glycerin make a wonderful leave-in/ detangler. Moisture and happiness have been restored to my hair.
8) Free Scrubs at work. Charlie Sheenin!
9) No poetry lately. I am having horrible writers block.
10) I would like a hug. Among other things right now.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
That's all I have for now, the Marley movie is on and I'm getting my whole life! Goodnight!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Speaking of J, things are going well. We kinda weathered a little rough spot, and happy we have come to a meeting of the minds. Relationships are work. You have to ask if it's worth hanging in there for, and this case I say, "Yes!"
Miss Beasley is back with me and all is right with the world. I missed her dearly, and I am so happy she is back. She has been a breath of fresh air up here, and I want to show her everything! This weekend I have planned a little outing to the zoo or the Smithsonian. Because she is my child I have a feeling we'll be at the Smithsonian.
This was a small update, but I have some commentary pieces I would like to share....till next time!
Monday, July 30, 2012
1) Love and Hip and other shows of that genre. I don't discriminate I've stopped watching RHONY and Mob Wives too. I'm just tired of watch a bunch of birds acting up on TV....Frasier, Unsung, and Golden Girls is how I get down.
2) People in pretend relationships. Before I go there, I will admit I have been in a few one sided relationships in my day, so this is no shade. Im not here to listen to folks fabricate relationships based off clicks and whistles. Now I know what I sounded like and I'm em-bar-assed!!!
3) The jokes about my "imaginary boyfriend". I may call J my unicorn, but he does exsist in real life. I am sure you are all wondering one thing: "She takes pictures of lunch, but how come there's no pictures of her man on her FB/IG?" Good question. If my life was a reality show, J (and my sister) would be the people who would opt ALL the way out. J is very private and I have respect that otherwise y'all would have gotten ALL the T from his birthday evening....lol
4) Liars. I think we all know my stance on that.
5) Lacefront wigs. Why?
That's all I have...there's more but I am going to enjoy the rest of my day off!
I picked Miss Beasley up on Saturday so she could return with me to the DMV. Leaving my mom was very hard for her. It was hard for my mom too. Hopefully both of them will adjust easily.
When I got back, I stopped over J's house so I could pick up a few things he had been storing for me. We sat and talked while my kids played( they missed each other) and while talking I noticed the picture from his trip when he took a helicopter ride. I also noticed in the picture he was with his female friend. I know they are just friends and the trip was her gift to him but I was hurt a little. My mood shifted to sad and we said goodbye and I headed to my new place. While driving, I had a little talk with myself. I have two options: stay mad or let that go and move on. I chose option two. I have male friends too, and I CHOOSE not to do certain things with them because I am scared it will be detrimental to my relationship. The key word is "choose". Now if J doesn't choose to do the same that's fine. He has it right. You don't drop your friends because you have a new boo. Let's add this to something to work on because I have a bad habit of letting go of friends because I'm in a relationship. I did this the worse when I was married. When my husband started acting up, I had no one to talk to because I had abandoned everyone. So long story short, I am going to maintain my friendships regardless of my relationship status. It's called creating boundaries and I need to get some STAT!
Well I am off to enjoy this day with a run and some much needed errand running!
Friday, July 27, 2012
After that I called my mom and a man picked up and told me she had been in an accident and he was the tow truck driver. My heart sank. I was scared of what might be said next. I cautiously asked if she was ok and he reassured me she and my daughter were ok, but at that moment I HAD to talk to them. I began to feel enormous guilt for leaving my mom, for leaving Miss Beasley. I just wanted to know they were ok. I frantically called my dad and then the hospital. They got my mom on the phone and I was so happy to hear her voice. She let me know her and Beasley were fine and to turn around (oh y'all know I was headed to the 757 with NO bags! I don't play!) and she would see me in the morning.
My nerves y'all.....today has jumped up and down all over them. I am going to decompress with a hot shower and then I'm headed to bed. The lesson today: God will take care of you....and show you what's important.
I am excited to get my baby this weekend! I am also looking forward to seeing my parents and a new friend that I aquired while looking for a gift for J. It's going to be a good weekend all around.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Yesterday's events gave me a lot to think about and for some reason my relationship came across my mind. I remember when I met my ex husband he was my EVERYTHANG y'all. Then the more I discovered the more I didn't like. By that time my foolhardy tail was already married to him. In an effort to have a man I didn't take a second look. I didn't ask fact finding questions. I let red flags go unnoticed. The lesson I learned was to never be afraid to walk away if you don't like what you see. You get what you buy. All of my soul searching last night led me to the conclusion that it's ok to state what you want. I have always been hesitant in relationships to call a flag on the play. There was always this voice saying, "If you confront him he may....leave you." To that I now say, "So what?" This doesn't mean talk reckless all the time, but don't be a doormat either. Last night I got my priorities in order and things that were in the top five got bumped waaaay down and some things that were at the bottom got moved up. It's crunch time. I did not come up here to fail. The mission was to craft my IT career, not boo love. My future and my kids are in the balance and I can't take anymore chances. So the heat has been turned up and Miss Page is going harder....stay tuned!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Remember how I was really homesick when I got to DC? Yeah I think that has passed. I was in Columbia Heights on Friday and I was noticing all the places to eat and shop and I got all amped that I was finally here! I almost threw my hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore!
Not much else to report, just more homework and writing.....xoxox!
Friday, July 20, 2012
On my way home I got a call from Miss Beasley's father informing me he had quit his job. Yes, you read that right. He just quit because he didn't like the job. Sheesh. I wish I had that kind of freedom. At first I was real mad, Joe Jackson, but then I realized something, God put me in a position where him not paying child support wouldn't hurt me. It was then that I dropped my anger and picked up my praise. I remembered that the earth is the Lords and the fullness there of. Meaning, any help I get comes from Him. Simple as that. I pray that one day my children's fathers will grow up and become responsible adults. So no worries over here.
This weekend me and J are celebrating his birthday and I have some surprises in store for him. Tomorrow night is going to be interesting to say the least.
Well tonight I am taking a break from studying and heading to bed at a decent hour.....peace.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
A few things I want to get off my chest, and its going to be short because my economic homework is calling my name.
Today J and In had a housekeeping conversation regarding our relationship. He told me some things he didn't like that I do and I did the same. It was informative because I learned the things that he does that send me wallsliding aren't intentional, it's just apart of who he is. I can respect that. So basically its no need to take it personal.
I spoke with J's mom today and we shared our love of jazz music and I invited her to a Nina Simone tribute at Bohemian Caverns. When I told J he didn't seem too excited. It think it had a lot to do with me ( the perpetually lost person) and her being out there by ourselves. No need to worry now because I got the dates wrong and the show is in August, so crisis adverted. However, it was nice to talk to someone else who shares my appreciation for jazz. I like his mom she's easy to talk to.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with J and where it's headed. I like J to the moon and I can honestly see a future with him. But to do that I am going to have to unlearn some defense mechanisms that are runing my chance at happiness. First and foremost I need to get control of my emotions. I have made some of the WORST decisions in my life based off emotions. The next goal is to trust. I have spent the last 4 years living in mistrust. Mistrust of my friends, family, and boyfriends. I have always felt that if I trusted no one then I could keep myself from being hurt. This has backfired. Not trusting has turned me into a parnoid control freak. So the goal is to work on being a better me in the inside!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I'm in the throes of being an adult, ugh. Today at church the Bishop spoke about having vision and purpose. After the struggle that was the move up here and the celebration has passed, it's time to set a new goal in my professional life and in my personal life. Emotion cannot rule the roost to get there. There needs to be changes made and they started the moment I left church. Actions speak louder than words so I am not going to make a proclamation, lol, I'm just doing.
I ran this morning and I felt amazing. No iPod, just the sound of nature. I think it's time for another 5k. I miss training, it was a therapy of sorts.
I'm off to enjoy my Sunday Funday!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
My season of you is winter
The warmth you brought
Like a warm glow at the end of a cold tunnel
Conversations around the kitchen island
Becoming one on sheets that felt like silk
Heaven in a strange place
Like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon
Becoming a new woman
With every stroke
Letting all fears
Burning up 95
With a smile and an ethereal glow
When I returned
To my dishwater colored existence
Winter is my season of you
Procrastination is an ugly thing. I waited until last night to start my assignments that are due tomorrow and I have a five page paper due. Tomorrow. Tonight is going to be a late night early morning with these books.
The school struggle is real......
Friday, July 13, 2012
Last night, I has some much needed QT with J. He gave me life with the most AMAZING massage! He even had this massage bar from Lush and it smelled heavenly. I returned the favor and I don't need to say what happened next: *cues up "Best Sex I Ever Had.* Things are going nicely with us....he reminded me tonight of the reason I like him so much. He made me laugh, genuine laughs.
My son is FINALLY potty trained AND he stands up to pee!!! The last part was a big deal because when I split with my ex people would lament how we needed to get back together so my son would know how to pee standing up ( I know, right?). I thought him how to aim and to put the seat down!
I am adjusting a lot better to the DMV. I'm planning to do restaurant week up here and I'm excited to try some new food, as there is no shortage of that here.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Your significant other told you that he was going on trip with "the guys" but you discover once he's there you find out he's with a female friend and some other females? I know the female friend so I'm trying to figure out why there was a lie by omission.....very interesting....
Thursday, July 5, 2012
• I will no longer allow myself to get upset when I feel I am not being told the truth. Like my mama says, “Keep on living….” It’s ok to stop playing detective; there is a 98% chance that the truth will come out (….and that is another blog post by itself). Knowing that, in the future, when I am fed a lie, I will simply throw on that face in my profile picture and keep it moving! Life is too short to get your pressure up over someone having a problem with the truth.
• This is the magical time of the month, and I must say that I haven’t had a “Mariah Carey Moment” yet. I think it has to do with the bullet point above. But it’s still early…..lol
• I need a serious facial. My skin is making my heart sad. I have trust issues when it comes to stuff like my skin and hair, so I am trying to find an esthetician up here, but I just keep saying to myself, “ I don’t know her either…..”
• Salmon on the grill is everything!
• Scott Mescudi is no longer my “Boo in my head”. The new title goes to Wale. He made me like men with dreads. I think more than anything I like his voice. It’s everything.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Despite my early morning reindeer games, the day has been good and I am enjoying my time back home. Tonight, I'm going to enjoy my old stomping grounds and cut loose a little.....till next time!
Friday, June 29, 2012
In the wonderful world of relationships, I am at a crossroad. Again, J cancelled our date. Twice. I'm not even mad just irritated. Moreso, I am starting to wonder where I fit in his life. I'm not asking that we be together everyday, I just wish when we made plans he would honor them. What really made me think was when I asked him if he was too busy for a relationship he said. "yes and no. I am really busy, but I don't want to be lonely either." with that sentence he told me what I needed to know. I'm just taking up space. If we don't spend time together, doesn't that mean he is already alone? I know I am. Sure, we talk on the phone and text, but the relationship is starting to feel a little one sided. I need more than some phone calls and couple of texts. Nothing replaces that face to face time. I have been fighting this battle for the last month and I am starting to grow weary. I wanted to sit down and talk about this face to face, but if I can't get regular time with him I doubt he's going to make any time to hear me out. It's starting to feel like a battle that can't be won. One part of me is saying, "Just walk away" but the greater part of me loves and cares for this man and I believe our relationship is worth fighting for. But how long to you stay in the ring before you accept it was a TKO? Certainly some things to think about.