Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Mind of a Child

This morning I got hit in the head with a very interesting question from Miss Beasley. We were eating breakfast and out of the blue, she asked me, "Do you like daddy?" That was a really loaded question. Sure, the police don't have to be called every time we get together, but I think the word "like" is a stretch for him and I. Back in the day I used to luuuuurrrvve my daughters father. He was my sun, moon and stars. I had a huge crush on him all through high school and we started dating when I was 21 years old. One year later, I gave birth to Miss Beasley, and this is where shit went left. I took to being a mother like a fish to water, he on the other hand struggled in his new role as a father. I never doubted that he loved Miss Beasley, I think all the responsibility of being a father was a lot for him and he didn't know how to deal with it. Long story short, we grew to be different people. Our breakup wasn't too messy, but when it came to the issue of child support that is when it got ugly. He was angry I filed and he thought he was paying too much. This lead to him having to move back in with his parents and bad feelings were created all around. Which brings us to today. Miss Beasley's father and I don't speak at all, not so much as a hello. He comes in the morning to take Gabby to school he doesn't say a word and hell either do I. How did I answer Miss Beasley's question? I used gentle honesty. I told her me and her dad aren't BFF's, but we don't hate each other. That answer seemed to satisfy her, and on her way she went. It got me thinking about how far he and I have come in the last 10 years. He and I were a team, and we pushed each other to be the best that we could be. There are times while navigating the dating world, I miss the cohesiveness that me and her father used to share. That kind of quality in a relationship has been VERY hard for me to find. Am I posed to fall on my sword and go back to Miss Beasley's dad? No. We aren't even the same two people that fell in love that cool fall afternoon in 2001. It's just very surprising how far two people who were so close have drifted so far.

I got a new job ya'll!!!!! It's a lot more money and a lot more responisiblity. I am getting the opportunity to return to the healthcare field, and I'm loving it. You know what I am really excited about? Wearing scrubs again to work. It's like wearing pajamas to work everyday. I am going to buy some new ones since the ones I had previously do not fit since it's been 3 years and a one pregnancy ago.

Dating, dating, dating dating....ugh. I think I am going to take a break. I feel like I am at TJ Maxx looking through the racks and nothing looks appealing to me. It's break time. I have spent an inordinate amount of time looking for Mr. Right and I would like to tell him, he is gonna have to find me, lol. My divorce is 2 weeks from being final and I don't want to hop back in the same situation of getting into a relationship or married to someone who is not right for me. Being alone sucks sometimes, but being tied to the wrong person sucks even more.

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