Gifts and Curses

I am writing this from my mamas house irritated at myself and everyone else in a 50 foot radius. I love my family. God knows I DO! But I don't know how many more of these gatherings I have in me. I feel like it brings out the absolute worst in me and they provide a large sense of anxiety. No one should have to take as many Ativan a day as I have this weekend. I love spending the holidays with them, but our fights are become more notorious than the holiday. Picture it, Mama Page's house, any given holiday. The tip off for the fight usually will begin a week to 2 days before we all assemble. Now, this fight will not always be between the same two people, but there is going to be a fight. This time it was me vs. Mama Page. She called me on Tuesday and out of nowhere launched into a tirade about how I better help her cook this year, she isn't doing anything, so on and so forth. I just agreed, which if you know my mom is like waving blood at a shark. It made her madder and my phone "dropped" the call. Fast forward to this morning, everything was going along well and she asked me to empty the trash. I asked her to give me a minute, because I was washing my daughter's hair. This is where shit went left. She stormed past me and yanked the trash bag out of the can. I told her I would do it and I grabbed the handle. A tug of war ensued until finally I won and I took the trash out. All was well after that, I baked my cake and I turned to her to ask when she wanted me to start the greens. Now, the ONLY reason I even offered to make the greens was because she already laid me out about helping cook just mere days ago. So as I am asking she's just kind of ignoring me. I am getting angrier because I do not want to spend all night making greens. Side bar: I know how to make greens, but if they are not made to my mother's specifications there will be hell. So I waited and waited and finally I said, "If you didn't need my help you should have just said so." She starts hollering about my unwillingness to take the trash out earlier. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. At that point I was beyond frustrated. I jumped in my car headed to the shell station to find my old friend, the Marlboro man. As I sped into the parking lot I thought about how good I felt being a non smoker. I was not going to let any petty argument pull me back. So I got a Pepsi and some fried chicken and headed back to the house. I sat in my car for awhile writing and looking on the Internet before I went in. I remembered that I get to go back home tomorrow. All I have to make it through half of the day tomorrow and I can go back to life as I know it. This will probably be my last year doing this. I cannot keep playing Russian roulette with my holidays. I hate not knowing if I am going to be kissed or killed. That is no way to live. One good thing is, I see what J meant by "emotional tirades" and yeah, I am not going to be that person.

Tough Decisions

Recently I was propositioned by my parents to take care of my kids for a year or two while I grow my career in DC.  My first thought was HELL NO.  But the more I began to think about it, the things I am trying to accomplish, writing, and networking, and asimilating into life into DC are not conducive to single motherhood.  In terms of my kids I may have bitten off more than I can chew and a conversation with a friend (and I use that term loosely) did not help.  He put it to me that I already have multiple strikes against me that will eliminate me from being taken serious in the professional and personal world.  According to him, most serious companies to not want to hire a single mother.  Children are problems.  They get sick, you have to take off, etc. all of this causes lack of productivity and cost a company money.  Then of course he reminded me that my J probably won't stick around for long because a man without kids is definatley not signing up for nothing long term with a woman with with two kids with two daddies.  I understand his point but make no mistake about it, my children will always come first and romance can wait.  I love my babies, but what I am filled with today is regret.  I regret I didn't finish college and enjoy my 20's.  My greatest accomplishment in that era is my kids.  If I died today that is the only thing left to let the world knows I was here.  The worlds shortest obituary.  This feeling will pass, but I am honestly beginning to give my parents idea some thought.

Flowers for the Living

The past weekend was just amazing. My little sister came to visit from Tennessee and we had a ball. We have had our bumps and bruises in our relationship but nothing is better than watching that relationship repair and renew itself. We shopped, laughed and talked about my foray into the dating world. She did spend a lot of time with her boyfriend while she was here but that was fine by me. My sister is a wonderful woman and I have watched her on her journey to find the "right one" and I think she has. I hope to be going to a wedding and then finally accomplishing that goal of becoming an aunt! Oh, that's my dream....not her's...ok..lol. Her boyfriend makes her happy and when she's happy, I am happy.

I have always heard the phrase in church, "Give people the flowers while they are living" and I never knew what that meant until today. My Godbrother and I have not seen each other since I was a toddler and we finally re-connected via Facebook. I swear by our conversations that we were the same person. I was anticipating meeting him at the end of August and I just wanted to chill with him, listen to music and have conversation (build). My mom came by my house today and delivered some bad news: He is a diabetic and this weekend his blood sugar got too high and that caused him to go into a diabetic coma. I am just crushed. I have a bad habit of not staying in touch with people. I was supposed to call him last month to talk about the details me coming to visit, but I got busy with my day to day life and kept putting it off. I feel like crap. I wish I have taken the time and just talked with him for at least 5 minutes to let him know that I thought he was awesome and he really kept my self esteem on 1,000 million on days when I felt unpretty. But I am here hurting because I let that chance slip away. If he makes it through this I promise to call him and I am DEFINITELY coming to see him. You never know what is going to happen to someone from one day to the next so treat everyday like a gift and treasure those special relationships.


I found a solution for Beasley's shyness. I enrolled her into Tae kwando classes last week. She had her first class on Saturday and she seems to love it! I can see my baby become another person on that mat. She looks so determined and focused it's just amazing. I am chomping at the bit to get Chunky started. My sister's only question was when were my lessons going to start because these two would soon be tag teaming me.

Tomorrow is my custody hearing for my son. I initiated this in hopes that his father would try to establish a relationship with him. It makes me sad to know that the odds of him showing up for this hearing are non existent. He has allowed his disdain over paying (or not paying) child support interfere and therefore he and Chunky's relationship will suffer. But it's all good I put it in God's hands and I know He will make it alright.

The Old Settler

Tonight I am baby free for the first time in awhile. You would think that I would use this time to go out, but I spent my time running errands and cleaning up the house. It is amazing what you can do when you do not have a one year old underfoot. After 4 hours of cleaning I can say I have the neatest refrigerator and the cleanest living room. Ever.

I concluded my night watching Jumping the Broom with a gentleman caller (we shall call him Georgia). That movie brought to surface a lot of different emotions in me. First off, I love my son to life. As much as I love him, I think my diligence in keeping him a baby is going to be a problem later on in life. Children do not belong to us. My job is to raise Chunky and Beasley to be the best people they can be and then let them off into the world to be productive adults. I have a hard time doing this with Chunky. I am so scared of all the trouble that awaits him in the world. It would kill me if he ended up spending most of his life in some one's prison or being a deadbeat dad to a bunch of kids. The statistics all say that this is how his life may end up. Chunky's relationship with his father is non-existent so I am afraid that the lack of male influence will cause him to act out in other ways. I do a good job playing both parents, but it's nothing like the real thing. That being said, I still can't hold on to him so tight that I cripple his development. I was crushed this evening when Chunky stated (in toddler fashion) that he would rather go home with my mom than me. It left me feeling sad. He has always been about his mama...now he found someone new he loves...and the Chunky pie divides. It will keep dividing as he grows and forms new relationships. Chunky is not my husband. He has a life to live and he's gonna live it. Besides, I should not be new to this: Miss Beasley had to grow up and I treated her like Nemo for the first 4 years of her life.

Disappointed....

I am gonna keep this short, but I need to get this off my chest. My sister and I are super close....the last time she was here, we talked about The Friend, and how I was too good to have him in my life etc. Then we talk on the phone this weekend and she laughs and co-signs with me about him. She claimed she deleted him from her Facebook. Well, today I go to his page, look to the right and who do I see under mutual friends? Her. It's just facebook, but I am more upset because that right there is not a sign of solidarity. Do you know how many of her ex's (the ones who did eff up stuff) have tried to "friend" me, and I won't? Why? Because that is my sister...I can never be friends with someone who would mistreat her. They can stay friends on Facebook forever for all I care, I can't say I am mad, just disappointed. Rant over.

Open Letter

Dear Mama,

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for my behavior the last four months. I met this guy....and I thought he was like the second coming, but you knew better. You saw right through him and saw exactly what was going to happen. You weren't sleeping with him so you didn't wear the same rose colored glasses I had on. You called it. He's gonna stay here, run up your light bill and move on. Exactly what happened. I would never admit it, but you were right. There has not been a night yet that I haven't laid in my bed and thought, "My mama was right.". But again, since I didn't listen, I am facing some really tough decisions now, and as you would say, "Serves your ass right" lol. I am sorry I called you a "hater" (really? I turned into a 15 year old at that exact moment). You weren't hating. You saw your child headed for danger and you tried to keep her away from it. But instead I ran towards it. I am sorry for not coming to see you and making excuses because I wanted to be around "him" all day. That was a sucker move. But you know what Mama? I have learned this: You are my best friend (sorry Red Velvet and Hollywood...y'all are too but you get what I mean). For every time I am stumbled, you were right there yelling for me to get up. Anytime I wanted to do anything half-assed, it was you pushing me to do it over. You will never know what it meant today when you critiqued my first ever appeal letter and you said it was flawless. Even when I treat you not so nice, you are still there to cheer me on. I just want to say I love you and I promise to start treating you as good as you are to me.

Love,

Victoria ;)