Ten Things Off My Chest

*turns down Hello Kitty boombox*

I don't know if I want to blame this on PMS, but today would be a good day for wine.  And Valium.  Lots of valium.  Just kidding, about the valium part at least. So this is going to be a brain dump of things that are on my mind.  No rhyme or reason just because.....

1) Since we are talking "lady problems", and I am now the proud owner of an insurance card, I have made the decision to go ahead and shut down the factory.  I will be 32 this year, I have two kids, I really am not interested in taking another ride on the L&D wagon.  Chunky is almost 3 AND potty trained, I am not in the mood to start all over.

2) J will be out of town for the week so.........y'all know what that means.  There was a joke I wanted to put here but I will leave the issue alone.  I am not sure he would find it funny at this point.

3) Nupes Day Party on Saturday!  I promise not look any Nupe directly in the eyes.  My sister warned to not never get involved with a Kappa.  She said, "If you think you have wall slid over a man.....get involved with a Kappa, you will be wall sliding all over the place." I'm not about that life.  I am however looking forward to meeting some new people.  I have invited a friend from high school to come with me since we are both new to the area.  Each one teach one.

4) Red Hook Summer by Spike Lee.  Check it out. It's gonna be dope.

5) Hennessey and Ginger Ale.  Dope. Shout out to the homie for putting me on.

6) Whole Foods and Trader Joe's is going to get all my money. 

7) Rosewater, Jojoba oil, coconut oil, and vegetable glycerin make a wonderful leave-in/ detangler.  Moisture and happiness have been restored to my hair.

8) Free Scrubs at work. Charlie Sheenin!

9) No poetry lately.  I am having horrible writers block.

10) I would like a hug.  Among other things right now.

Tough Decisions

Recently I was propositioned by my parents to take care of my kids for a year or two while I grow my career in DC.  My first thought was HELL NO.  But the more I began to think about it, the things I am trying to accomplish, writing, and networking, and asimilating into life into DC are not conducive to single motherhood.  In terms of my kids I may have bitten off more than I can chew and a conversation with a friend (and I use that term loosely) did not help.  He put it to me that I already have multiple strikes against me that will eliminate me from being taken serious in the professional and personal world.  According to him, most serious companies to not want to hire a single mother.  Children are problems.  They get sick, you have to take off, etc. all of this causes lack of productivity and cost a company money.  Then of course he reminded me that my J probably won't stick around for long because a man without kids is definatley not signing up for nothing long term with a woman with with two kids with two daddies.  I understand his point but make no mistake about it, my children will always come first and romance can wait.  I love my babies, but what I am filled with today is regret.  I regret I didn't finish college and enjoy my 20's.  My greatest accomplishment in that era is my kids.  If I died today that is the only thing left to let the world knows I was here.  The worlds shortest obituary.  This feeling will pass, but I am honestly beginning to give my parents idea some thought.

2008 and Heartbreak

A lot of people who have not known me long, always ask me what happened in 2008 that was so major. What should have been major would have been me marrying a man I'll call the Good Reverend Doctor. Rev was a young man I met at church. He was our pianist and choir director and boy, could he SANG! He preached just as well too. He was a gentleman and he treated me like gold. We got engaged and planned for an April 2008 wedding. We planned one of the biggest weddings ever. There was a 24 person wedding party, just big. Long story short, in March 2008, Rev sat me down and told me that not only did he not want to get married anymore, he didn't want a relationship neither. Words cannot express what I felt that day. Over the next seven months I spun into a horrible depression that included three failed suicide attempts. I remember the first attempt I took 15 xanax (I googled how many it would take) and I remember wanting to cry when I woke up the next morning. I kept wondering why I was not successful in my attempts. I now know why. God had something greater for me that I couldn't even imagine. One year later I gave birth to the baby we all know as Chunky. Just imagine if I was successful in my attempts.....Chunky would not be here. I remember the night after Chunky was born I remember looking into at his little serious face and thanking God I was alive for this moment. Every milestone that passes for both of my children I'm just happy to be there. So after that year of heartbreak I vowed that I would NEVER sit silent on the issue of suicide. I don't care if people thinks it's a depressing subject, that shit is real. I never in a million years thought I would ever be in a space where I would consider taking my own life but I was and if I can help one person realize that the sun REALLY will come out tomorrow, then I'll be happy. So, I can never be angry with Rev. If that day in March never happened, I would have never met the ex-husband and I would have never had Chunky.

So today was Valentines day! Last year I had not nary a valentine and this year.....I do, I do, I do, I do! Since I saw J over the weekend that is when we celebrated, but we still talked today and I am not gonna lie, that man makes Miss Page happy. A happy I haven't felt in minute. With J I know that I am enough. He's not trying to "fix" me and I am not trying to "fix" him. All the things that make him who he is, I adore. Him going running with me on Saturday meant a lot to me because most men I have dated have not taken the time to get to know me. Sure they would hear me but they weren't listening. I feel like J listens.

Well now that I have spilled all the tea, I'm going to indulge in the ratchetness that is Lenethia and Marlo. xoxoxox

Pride

Things have been great but I feel like I'm a fraud for not indulging a part of my life that is in disarray. About three weeks ago my sister and I got into an argument that changed the dynamic of our relationship. I'm not going into all the details but we both walked away kind of washing our hands of one another. This is nothing new because we have these kinds of falling outs all the time but after three days or so we iron it out and go back to our business. She wants me to heed her opinion more and I want her to understand though I respect her opinions I have the right to not follow them. She doesn't want to feel like a "yes man" and I don't want to feel like her flunkey. We hit an impass and have not spoken in 11 days, which is a long time for us. But this week I have found myself missing my sister to the point of tears. I was in Old Navy tonight buying my very first pair of compression tights for running and I fought back tears. I was in the same Old Navy we went to on Black Friday and upon entering hot tears began to roll down my face. I was searching for the best kind of coompression tights and I was so confused. The way this should have went was her on the other end of the phone telling me what to look for and hounding about the importance of good running shoes. I should have said "eff it" and picked up the phone and called her but "mean Victoria" was in my ear saying "Eff her.....don't be the one falling on your sword this time. Make her apologize to YOU!" But "nice Victoria" kept saying "This is stupid. You are in the most happy place in your life and you are going to let a petty argument stand in the way of your sisterhood?" My pride kept me from picking up my phone and I tearfully purchased my pants and got the hell out of there. On my ride home I began to think about my kids and how I would be crushed if they stopped speaking. I always preach to them about not letting anything separate them. I feel like a hypocrite because I am letting my pride separate us. I don't know what to do but a change has got to come. My son is som much like my sister it is killing me not calling her at night to tell her is new favorite phrase is "help me" which was also hers when sne was his age. Hopefully prayer will give me some direction.

Today was so quiet at work and I got a wonderful surprise of my mom taking my kids for the evening. I was gonna go see "RedTails" but I will catch it tomorrow. Tonight is about wine and cracking open m books so I can study for my ccna....good night and god bless

One Hit Away

Things have been pretty cool over here in the wild world of Miss Page. I'm not going to regale y'all with the awesomess that is J, but I will say this: if hope that he's the one, if not he is the prototype. Ladies, after years of chasing men that didn't care about me it's nice having someone in my life that cares. He doesn't want anything from me, just me. Ba da ba ba I'm loving it.

Working in an office with women is the epitome of drama. There are alliances and gossip galore. I stay out of it because if there is anything I have learned in my 16 years of working is to stay above all the drama. My supervisor is amazing though. I knew we were gonna click because she is a single mother like myself. She understands my struggle. She didn't throw shade when I took a little time out to get some things straigthened out with my the payments for my daughter's afterschool program tuition. She doesn't fuss about my internet usage during downtime because she knows that I know how to manage myntime and I get my work done. After coming off of employment with the City, that is refreshing.

While I was writing this blog, my daughter came in my room informing me there are some boys in her class that are not so nice. My advice I gave her came directly from Ru Paul. "People's opinions of you are none of your business. That's their baggage. Love who you are an OWN IT! I'm just happy she felt comfortable talking to me. That lets me know that she knows that she can.

It's time for me to turn in......a girl needs her beauty rest! xoxoxo

Thankful

It's been a long time dear readers....so much has happened to me in the past months and I have so much to say, so make a pot of coffee and you a pack of Marlboro Menthol Special Blends and let me talk.

In the beginning of October I FINALLY got my child support lump sum payment (from my baby daddy, not my ex-husband). It was three times what I thought I was gonna get, and I was amped. As we all know, my last vehicle was reposessed last year, and I have been driving a series of hoopdies until I could afford a down payment on a new car. One day in October, I took the kids to Hall Honda, just to see what I would need to do in order to purchase a car. I didn't intend to buy a car that day at all. The salesman came out and I told him I had my eye on a 2009 Chevy Cobalt and a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe. Neither of these cars are what I really wanted but they were in my price range, so hey! He offered to show me one more car that he had in the back. At first I was internally rolling my eyes. I fell for the following trick when I bought my very first new car. I came in looking for a used car and then the salesman rolled out this brand new car and I was hooked. This time was different, he rolled out a cute little gray 2005 Honda Civic. Automatically I thought the car was going to be way out of my price range. Honda's hold their values well and I was too sure this car was going to be out of my range. I nearly hit the floor when I heard the salesman say it was only 10k. I jumped on the option to purchase. I was afraid my credit was too scarred to obtain financing, but it wasn't and after 4 hours of paperwork, I rode off with a new car. I cannot tell you all how good it feels to not have to drive around with a jug of antifreeze in my trunk or how awesome it is to drive to work without smelling the combination of gasoline and coolant. Most of all I am happy to have reliable transportation.

One of the reasons I was moved to find reliable transportation is because for the first time in 5 years I am going to a New Years Celebration with my sister. If we all can reflect on last year, I spent my NYE crying in my room because I had been rejected by "The Friend". This year I am looking forward to an awesome time with awesome people. I am going to Big Night DC at the Gaylord National Resort. I am currently on the hunt for a classy but chic NYE dress.

So I am sure you all are wondering what the deal is with my dating life. The true story is I am not dating a lot these days. I am refusing to settle for my usual, so that has slimmed down my prospects tremendously. That is ok, though. I have become more specific in my criteria in a mate. Job, own place to live, and vehicle is a must have. I am a single mother with two kids and if a single man without kids has not accomplished that then I can't hang.

Today is Thanksgiving and I am so thankful for my freedom and my family. This is my first holiday in three years where I am unattached. My previous holidays have been spent worrying about getting back home to someone who didn't care for me or placating a half a husband. This year, I have my own plans, to include on black Friday. I look at where my life has gone in a year. I remember last year I didn't even have enough money to pay my rent and this year I am shopping on Black Friday. Isn't God amazing?

It's time for me to return to the world of wine, cooking, telling old stories, and watching football. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Changes

Exceedingly and Abundantly
There is so much going on in my life right now I just don't know whether to laugh or cry. Last Friday, I was offered a position with a Naval Contractor, however, on Monday I received an e-mail from another Naval Contractor who works with one of the major shipyards on the Peninsula. You know, for all the time I spent looking in all the wrong places it is funny how God is bringing all the right places to me. Exceedingly and abundantly, indeed.

Here In My Dreams
Have you ever had a really graphic dream about someone you barely talk to? Well remember MiddleSchoolCrush? I dreamt about him last night. I am not going to get into a lot of details, but he was really good in bed*. See what happens when you don't have sexy time for a long time? You start thinking about peen you never even had. Now I have that weird feeling I get after a graphic dream, like I need to call him or message him on facebook just to see...I don't know if it was good to him too? LOL. I won't do that...but I will "like" one of his statuses in lieu of sending an awkward, "Hey" message.

School Days
Statistics is hard y'all. That is all I have to say about that. I should have given more thought to what I was going to take as my first class. If I make it out with a "C" I will be happy.
I don't know about anyone else, but I have been looking at Miss Beasley's syllabus (yes, second graders have syllabi) and they are learning some heavy duty stuff. I am happy I am back in school, now I can keep up. This month they are studying matter, learning how to write a fictional story and learning about the government. That sounds like my senior year in high school.

Chuuuuuuccccchhhh
I went to church on Sunday for the first time in a long time. The service held a little long, but the message was awesome. There was a certain point in the sermon where the Bishop posed the question, "Where were you with the anointing?" This was an excellent question. I sat in the pew and wondered where I had been with my anointing. It's been to the club, in a hotel room, enjoying herbal supplements, hugged up in a bed with a married man, passed out in the front of a Toyota Camry, it's been everywhere. That question was so powerful that I find before I agree to go somewhere or do something, that I hear that little voice asking, "Where are you taking your anointing?"

Top 5 Ways to Guarentee You will Never Date Me

I am still navigating the ninth ring of hell called "dating". Here are some deal breakers for me:

1. Talking about my ass in a conversation. Yes, I know. God blessed me with a nice donk. I've had it since I was 17. It was cool to talk about then, but I'M 30 EFFIN YEARS OLD! The first time I hear the words "I ain't know you had ass like that", I shut down. I am more than my booty. It's unattractive when men my age comment....it makes them sound like a horny high schooler...so unattractive.
2. Trying to pass of a night of "chilling at the crib" as a date. This only works after we are in an established relationship. But if we are just starting out, my idea of a date (which if you are a single mom means a lot of effort was put forth to be free). is going out to dinner, taking a walk on the beach and buying me Coldstone afterwards, taking me to a musuem, etc. I do not want the culmination of my night to be drinking tequila and watching "Friday"
3. Try to have sex with me. Again, I am 30 now. A lady doesn't divulge all her secrets but after two babies and some wild times in my 20's, I would like to conserve the milage put on my gentleman greeter. If the time is right I will let you know and we can take it from there.
4. Getting mad with me because I won't just abandon my kids so I can hang out with you all the time. This also goes with friends. I am a single mom. I work eight hours a day Monday-Friday. I spend minimal time with my babies during the week. I feel like a pretty shitty mom if I choose to spend time with a man over spending time with them.
5. Stringing me along. Don't text me all these sweet nothings and then I find out that you are using me to get over someone else. I am on the quest for a man that I can build with. I am beyond that point in my life where I need to be the primary not the secondary. I spent my 20's loving a bunch of emotionally unavailable men. If the feelings are not mutual, lets go our separate ways and not waste our time.

And that's that.......if I found a man that could consistantly follow these rules my dating life would be golden!

Randoms.....

Just some randoms....

• I love my oil burner and the smell of lavender oil...it is THE BEST!!!!
• Laughter is the best medicine for the blues. The past couple of days this week I have been feeling a little low and Red Velvet would call and we would get on that phone and LAUGH!!! I am talking 3 hours of laughing....classic
• I know that I have spoken against this.....buuuuutttt.....I LOVE FALSE LASHES!!!! I think I secretly hated them because I did not know how to apply them. I like the way they look on me, but I do have requirements. I only use the type that are strips but sparse. I HATE the look of mini tarantulas on someone's eyes. I just want them to enhance not over power
• Being a single mom is HOARD!!!!!!!! But it's the most rewarding job ever. I love seeing the smiles on my children's faces
• After complaining about not having any friends in my neighborhood, and today while making my bi-weekly run to get diapers I ran into one of my old friends and she lives IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!! We are hanging out tomorrow night to catch up!
• I thank God for the friendships in my life. I am happy that I have learned to be a better listener (I used to be the Toni Childs of friendships).
  
• What is the protocol for dealing with someone you meet that you found out was "kinda a big deal" back in the day. I work with a young lady who after friending her on Facebook discovered she used to be a video model (not using that other term...it's not nice) aaaannnd I found out that she was a primary in Common's "Go" video. I think it's awesome. She never talks about it....but I think it's neat.
  
• Will it ever get easier?
• Stress will rob you of your appetite and smile....no bueno.
• I think women who take their shoes off in the club and walk around barefoot are gross. That is all
• Call center culture is just.....smh
• Am I too young to be researching liquid facelifts?
  
• Why did my daughter's father have to be threatened with 60 days in jail before he would pay child support? Didn't I ask him to do the same thing 3 months ago? It makes me sad he would follow the instruction of a stranger before the mother of his child.

Well that was a very satisfying brain dump...lol...thanks for reading xoxox

Find Some Damn Business....

First of all....I know I have just abandoned this blog like a mug!!!! So much has been going on there is just too much to re-cap.

For a while I put finding a man on the back burner so I could focus on what it was I wanted to do in life. When I sat down and thought about it, my life has been a road map of travels that have not been completed. When I got fired from my job it took a lot out of me. I was basically told that I was incompetent and I believed it. But you know what? Someone's perception of you DOES NOT make your reality. The truth is I am competent. When I started at that company they had NO safety program what so ever. I built that program up from the ground up. Never mind I had no safety experience what so ever...I got it done. So you know what I have decided to do? Come back faster and stronger. After a lot of research I have decided to return back to Major University and finish my degree...in Enviromental Health, with a minor in Occupational Health. I can do this. I am a junior at that university which means, by the time Chunky is 4, I will have my Bachelors. I have to do this. My kids are counting on me and I am counting on me. I have been running into some financial aid problems ( you know you can only borrow up to 57,000 in student loans? Yeah me neither) but I will get around them. The important thing is seeing this thing through.

On the relationship front, I have an all new starting line up. I am learning how to casually date. Just because someone makes me smile a couple times doesn't mean I have to die with them. I want to take my time and find the right one. I have a couple that are real strong contenders but no one has really proven themselves worthy of me letting my guard down. I do get lonely sometimes, but I figure being lonely beats being unhappy. When it has come to selecting a man my criteria has gotten a lot stricter. He MUST have the following: A place to live that is not with his mama and/or cousin, his own transportation, and at least 3 pay stubs and a W-2 (lol Red Velvet). If not, you will go no further than the phone interview. Most of the men I have been approached by are hitting 30 or are in their 30's and if they don't have those three things they need to be out getting them, not trying to get a girlfriend *kanye shrug*. I am done saving stray cats....my cape is in the cleaners so I can't save anybody right now.

I have also been embracing motherhood. I always have, but for the first time in a long time I feel PRESENT in my children's lives. I enjoy my little moments with them. There was a time when I thought about summer all I could think about was all the mayhem I was gonna get into with my girls, but now, I am planning trips to amusement parks, and looking up ways to cause some mayhem with my kids. They are what is important. Everything else is secondary.

Back on weight watchers. Five pounds down. Do it to it boo! It was hard as hell the first week. But I am now in week three and chugging along! It's amazing what tracking what you eat will do. I find that I eat when I am bored, so now I have started to do pilates instead. So far, so good!

Well, I promise it won't be that long before I post again....just got caught up in life....xoxoxo!

American Beauty

Hey Lovies....it's been a rough couple of weeks around here. I got laid off from my job or made part-time on-call (whatever the hell that means), I have been playing the "will you please pay your child support" game and all kinds of crappy stuff. Then to top it off my poor son spent his first real Easter in the ER with the stomach flu (which I ended up catching). I was looking out of the window of my office at my new job (yeah...I bounce back quick lol) and I noticed that it was raining. It has been sunny all day long and then out of nowhere it started to rain. Normally, my reaction would just be, "Oh shit...it's raining...and I don't have my umbrella". Today was different. Just looking at that rain made me appreciate all the beauty in the world. The way the rain hit the trees and they swayed around like they were dancing to the sound of the wind. The sound of car tires splashing in fresh puddles. It all made me happy to be alive. Happy to be experiencing that moment. I have decided it is time for me to stop focusing on all that is going wrong and focus on what is going right. It wasn't until I saw my son go into shock on Sunday that I realized that I never really appreciated the fact that he had always been healthy. I never thought I would long to hear him bust open my bedroom door and yell "Hey Mama". When I daughter had the worst asthma attack I had ever seen her have, I couldn't wait for her to ask me for the millionth time for a snack. We take these little moments for granted worrying about all the big things. XOXO!