It's Monday! My weekend was good, though I did the most on Friday night. Drinking an entire bottle of champagne is not the move. I have never been so sick in my life. I guess I am getting old. The most important thing I learned this weekend, is that when something good happens to you, not everyone is going to be happy for you. It's sad, because I want the best for ALL of my friends, and I would hope they want good things for me too. But for whatever reason this particular friend is not happy and she is showing me in a passive-aggressive fashion, and you all know I don't do passive-aggressive. I am too old for that.
I don't know what is going on with me and J. I guess things are ok, but this weekend anger ensued when I made a crack about him going to see his ex girlfriend for the weekend (aka "his unicorn"). I was just joking but he took it serious, so we worked through that. Then this morning I get a call asking if I had been going through his phone and did I call one of his friends. Now if there is one thing EVERYONE knows about Miss Page, is I do not play on anyone's phone. I have had it done to me, I hate it, and I think it is a bad idea all around. For the record, on my children's lives, I did not call his friend, but it did make me wonder who did.
For the first time in months, last night I cried myself to sleep, while listening to "Someday W'ell All Be Free" on repeat. Not to be morbid, but I can't lie, I will be happy when I am done with the troubles of the world (please put that on my funeral program....please and thank you, lol). I wish I was just more comfortable with myself and I am starting to think that moment may never come. No matter how many pills I take, how much therapy I go to, it's not happening for me. As I lay in bed, Donnie's words enveloping my broken heart, I wondered how he felt when he jumped from the ledge. This man had a beautiful voice and unspeakable talent and he still couldn't find his peace. I am in the same place right now. Standing on the ledge. I have so much to live for, but there is a part of me that is hurting so bad I just want to hit that reset button. I wish there was such a thing as second chances. So many things I would have done differently. All of my poor decisions have left their indelible mark on my life. Nobody is checking for the clinically depressed girl with self-esteem issues. I feel like that dented can in the back of the supermarket, 50% off. You want it because it's a deal, but you don't really want it. Ugggggghhhh.....I am praying everyday for a change. I don't want anymore meds, I want organic happiness. I want organic sleep. I want to feel good on my own.