Monday, October 1, 2012

It's Monday! My weekend was good, though I did the most on Friday night.  Drinking an entire bottle of champagne is not the move.  I have never been so sick in my life.  I guess I am getting old.  The most important thing I learned this weekend, is that when something good happens to you, not everyone is going to be happy for you.  It's sad, because I want the best for ALL of my friends, and I would hope they want good things for me too.  But for whatever reason this particular friend is not happy and she is showing me in a passive-aggressive fashion, and you all know I don't do passive-aggressive.  I am too old for that.

I don't know what is going on with me and J.  I guess things are ok, but this weekend anger ensued when I made a crack about him going to see his ex girlfriend for the weekend (aka "his unicorn").  I was just joking but he took it serious, so we worked through that.  Then this morning I get a call asking if I had been going through his phone and did I call one of his friends.  Now if there is one thing EVERYONE knows about Miss Page, is I do not play on anyone's phone.  I have had it done to me, I hate it, and I think it is a bad idea all around.  For the record, on my children's lives, I did not call his friend, but it did make me wonder who did.

For the first time in months, last night I cried myself to sleep, while listening to "Someday W'ell All Be Free" on repeat.  Not to be morbid, but I can't lie, I will be happy when I am done with the troubles of the world (please put that on my funeral program....please and thank you, lol).  I wish I was just more comfortable with myself and I am starting to think that moment may never come.  No matter how many pills I take, how much therapy I go to, it's not happening for me.  As I lay in bed, Donnie's words enveloping my broken heart, I wondered how he felt when he jumped from the ledge.  This man had a beautiful voice and unspeakable talent and he still couldn't find his peace.  I am in the same place right now.  Standing on the ledge.  I have so much to live for, but there is a part of me that is hurting so bad I just want to hit that reset button.  I wish there was such a thing as second chances.  So many things I would have done differently.  All of my poor decisions have left their indelible mark on my life.  Nobody is checking for the clinically depressed girl with self-esteem issues.  I feel like that dented can in the back of the supermarket, 50% off. You want it because it's a deal, but you don't really want it.  Ugggggghhhh.....I am praying everyday for a change.  I don't want anymore meds, I want organic happiness.  I want organic sleep.  I want to feel good on my own.

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