Monday, April 23, 2012

Poker Face

I have no poker face. Because I have no poker face I am 99% sure I'm going to coming to an episode of Hoaders or Intervention near you in about 20 years. Today I got on Instagram to upload some fresh paint and smack dab on my feed is a picture of a pretty girl and the caption was "surrounded by success." I scrolled a little further and saw that J posted this picture. Have you ever been in such shock your appetite leaves and you can't hear? Yeah that was me. Hot tears began to fill my eyes, I used all my eye muscles to keep them from falling, because I have on liquid liner and there was no need to be upset and look like a raccoon. I tried to rationalize but I just couldn't. J has not never acknowledged me on anyone's social media. He was irritated when I tagged him with me at the mall. I tried to make sense of it. I messaged him, he said she was a friend and he would never do something that hurtful. I believe him, but you know what this showed me? My heart is still a open wound. Either that, or there is something wrong with me that I can't trust. Who even knows anymore. The silver lining is today is a gym day so I can go cry on the treadmill lol. I really liked J but I know there is only so much a man is gonna tolerate and it's safe to say I have done the most.....soooooo this is the part where I *Kanye shrug*


  1. Trusting after getting ur heart trampled is a struggle. Everything is up for debate, but questionable behavior is questionable behavior and if he knows ur past theres no need for him to be angry unless this is persistant behavior on ur behalf...keep ur head up *Tupac voice*

  2. I would like stomp the nuts of all the asshole that trampled my heart and slap the younger version of myself for letting them do it. Tonight, I will be reminding my daughter why self esteem is important because if you allow people to mistreat you it will become all you know. Its hard for me to shake 15 years worth of patterns. It's almost become engrained in my psyche that I am not worthy of a good man and that men are only interested in my physical and financial. 15 years is a long ass time and I'm fighting to change but it's an uphill battle.