Run for your Life

FINALLY I got a run in!!!!!! It was a short run, but Jimmy crack corn it was a run and it felt good! I don't mean to boast but I took a 45 day break and shaved 10 seconds off my pace! Charlie Sheenin' at it's finest. If I could get down to a single digit mile I'd be ok. I looked over my runs and I got all misty eyed looking at when I ran an 20 minute mile seven months ago, and now I do that mile in 10.51. Heck in high school I didn't even run that pace.

I miss my boyfriend. He's across the pond, and I can't wait for him to get back. He called today and I missed it. He left me a cute voicemail and that gave me life lol.

I have discovered I have a lot of friends up here I need to reconnect with. The reason I haven't so far is because I have been so darn busy. It looks as if I am going to start having some free time on the weekends so I look forward to hanging with all of them.

My heart is a little heavy tonight because a friendship I have is coming to an end. We weren't BFF's or anything but we all know I am trying to get some boundaries and this friendship doesn't line up with that. No love lost, I just have to look out for my well being and lately this friend has been exhibiting behaviors that I have spent my life running away from. Maybe it's because she is not aware of my upbringing or maybe it's just the way she operates, but the point is I don't think we are compatible as friends.

Time to hit the hay.....there is a 5:15 am run with my name on it!

Mission Accomplished!

I just want to start off by saying, I am feeling amazing right now! This morning it went down.....I ran my first 5k race and it was EVERYTHANG!!!!!!!! I was a bundle of nerves this morning when J and I left the house, I barely could hold a conversation. When we got to the site, I met with my running group and found my running buddy. She was super sweet and eveyone offered me advice for my run. I kept reminding myself not to sprint and to remember pace was the name of the game. The first mile was a little rough because I was at a slower pace, but around mile two, I picked up the pace and that his when "the feeling" and my playlist found their groove. "Kind of Like a Big Deal" kicked on at the most perfect moment. I got to an incline and remembered to keeps my knees up. Coming down the incline after that felt amazing. The next 1.5 miles were cake. I crossed the finish line and the feeling was sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! After I finished, I felt like a million dollars, until I had to throw up. The few times I have thrown up in public, I have been, ahem, intoxicated, so I didn't really care where it was going down. This time I remembered it was not "dollar vodka" night at Crazy Charlies. As I looked for a decent place to be sick, I look out of the corner of my eye and over the strains of Wale's "No Better," I hear J call my name and I ran and hugged him with everything I had. He got a good picture of me crossing the finish line. After getting my complimentary banana and water we headed home and I gave him all the highlights. I appreciated him coming out and supporting me. So now I am gonna soak up a little more time with J and then I'm headed back to be with my babies. I won't lie I miss the both of them to the moon!

2008 and Heartbreak

A lot of people who have not known me long, always ask me what happened in 2008 that was so major. What should have been major would have been me marrying a man I'll call the Good Reverend Doctor. Rev was a young man I met at church. He was our pianist and choir director and boy, could he SANG! He preached just as well too. He was a gentleman and he treated me like gold. We got engaged and planned for an April 2008 wedding. We planned one of the biggest weddings ever. There was a 24 person wedding party, just big. Long story short, in March 2008, Rev sat me down and told me that not only did he not want to get married anymore, he didn't want a relationship neither. Words cannot express what I felt that day. Over the next seven months I spun into a horrible depression that included three failed suicide attempts. I remember the first attempt I took 15 xanax (I googled how many it would take) and I remember wanting to cry when I woke up the next morning. I kept wondering why I was not successful in my attempts. I now know why. God had something greater for me that I couldn't even imagine. One year later I gave birth to the baby we all know as Chunky. Just imagine if I was successful in my attempts.....Chunky would not be here. I remember the night after Chunky was born I remember looking into at his little serious face and thanking God I was alive for this moment. Every milestone that passes for both of my children I'm just happy to be there. So after that year of heartbreak I vowed that I would NEVER sit silent on the issue of suicide. I don't care if people thinks it's a depressing subject, that shit is real. I never in a million years thought I would ever be in a space where I would consider taking my own life but I was and if I can help one person realize that the sun REALLY will come out tomorrow, then I'll be happy. So, I can never be angry with Rev. If that day in March never happened, I would have never met the ex-husband and I would have never had Chunky.

So today was Valentines day! Last year I had not nary a valentine and this year.....I do, I do, I do, I do! Since I saw J over the weekend that is when we celebrated, but we still talked today and I am not gonna lie, that man makes Miss Page happy. A happy I haven't felt in minute. With J I know that I am enough. He's not trying to "fix" me and I am not trying to "fix" him. All the things that make him who he is, I adore. Him going running with me on Saturday meant a lot to me because most men I have dated have not taken the time to get to know me. Sure they would hear me but they weren't listening. I feel like J listens.

Well now that I have spilled all the tea, I'm going to indulge in the ratchetness that is Lenethia and Marlo. xoxoxox

Things I Learned This Weekend

• Don't try to blog via cell phone when you have had three glasses of ciroc red berry and are full of giddy, school girl excitement. It's just a bad look. I woke up the next morning horrified at the flowery run on sentence I posted lol.
• Dominoes is the shit! J taught me how to play, and I love it! It's a game of strategy and I love games like that. When I got home, I went to wal-mart and bought some dominoes to play with Miss Beasley. It seems like something she would like too.
• I have officially became better with my money. While J and I were shopping I was tempted to buy a pair of True Religon jeans and after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that jeans are jeans and I did not need those jeans
• Peruvian chicken is crack. Before I tried it I couldn't understand the hoopla, but i understand now.....so juicy and flavorful! They need one of those places here!
• As much as I bemoan my babies, I start to miss them when we are apart. This morning I woke up and began to miss Chunk's little voice and Miss Beasley's hugs.
• Ciroc Red Berry will get away from you......if you let it!

I had a really good time with J and I'm interested to see what else is in store.....it was good to experience a good time, but Miss Page has some big things happening in the next couple of months that will be emotionally taxing, but I am fighting that being responsible and organized. xoxoxoxo

The Bitter and the Sweet

Things are progressing at a wonderful pace with J. Not too fast, not too slow. Like Baby Bear's chair it's just right. He keeps me smiling and he's attentive and the affection and interest is reciprocal. I was planning my trip this weekend with a complete list of everything we were going to do. Guess what? We are burning the itinerary. Miss Page is going to enjoys the feeling of a man planning date for her. I am learning to let go of my fears of things not being perfect and learning spontaneity and how to have fun with out an agenda. I trust his planning abilities and I know I will not end up spending the weekend eating hot wings while watching him play PlayStation. This feels good.

I got my IUD today and it wasn't bad AT ALL! I was nervous like a hoe in church when I was sitting on that table. Everything went great, and the worst of the pain was a mild cramping that last for all of 30 minutes. What was really dope was when the nurse gave me a card stating I would be protected from pregnancy until 2/2022. Man by that time Miss Beasley will be in college and Chunk will be in middle school. The only way this sucker is getting removed is if I get married to a real deal husband and we are BOTH financially secure to take care of another child.

In the world of divorce, I signed off on the complaint and when I did that, I knew them former in-laws of mine would come calling. I opened by facebook inbox today my former brother in law messaged me about what a bad person I am for "keeping Chunk from his father." I am not keeping Chunk away from him, his father stays away because he has a warrant for failure to pay and he's trying not to get caught. I didn't entertain the ignorance flowing out of his mouth and kept it moving. I am happy to be away from the drama that is that family, but the whole exchange left me real mad, real mad, Joe Jackson. I headed off to the Y after work and banged out 1.5 miles on the treadmill and weight trained for 15 minutes. Problem solved. I shook off my frustration and went back to the business of my life.

Well my CCNA study guide is calling my name so I better get on it.......xoxoxoxo

Cloud Nine

Hey y'all! I have been studying like hell for my CCNA exam in March. I like teaching myself though, it leaves room for deeper exploration.

Remember how I said I would be spending Singles Awareness Day solo? That honey lamb, is no longer true! I am spending that weekend with J. It's looking very promising to be a great time. He has become my morning commute companion and I won't lie, I missed talking to him while he was on the west coast last week. So I know the question on everyone's mind and mine is, "Will J get some of this Hello Kitty?"* To be honest, I don't know, but I will have a shiny new IUD....so who knows? But you know what puts me at ease, I know that if no Hello Kitty is given, J will not be calling me "wack"....well at least not to my face lol.

Today while grocery shopping, one of my worst fears came true. Miss Beasley has never been a fan of my ex-husband (that child knew he was trouble from the word "go") and I always feared that she would be the one to reveal to her brother his daddy was ratchet. I don't know what I'll ever tell Chunk in regards to his father being grossly absent from his life, but it wasn't going to be biased, just the plain truth. Chunk pointed at man wheeling his shopping cart passed us and said, "Daddy!" Miss Beasley replied, "That's not your daddy, mommy dumped your daddy because he didn't want to work." I quickly scolded her and avoided eye contact with the people who overheard. Though Chunky didn't understand the magnitude of shade that was just unloaded on him, I felt sad for him. He is growing up without his dad in a horrible way. How to I tell him that what his father was is the reason I said ENOUGH! I just hope he understands that every decision I made was to protect him and his sister's future. As far as men in his life he's not lacking. He has his Pop-pop, his barber, the next door neighbor etc. in Chunky's case it IS going to take a village.

Time for me to return to the wonderful world of networking before catching some shut eye. xoxox

Getting Right

I have gotten a CCNA cram guide and wooooo my head is spinning. I am waiting for my actual book to arrive so I am using this as a little intro before I delve in further. I'm pleased at the info I am learning. I come from a programming background, so this is new territory for me, but I got this.

I have made some positive changes in my life, starting with the way I think. For the last 3 years I have been in survival mode. I was so busy living day to day that I couldn't see any further than the next day. I have started saving for my retirement and setting a financial foundation for my kids. I used to be a beast when it came to money and I'm back on that mindset. I'm also feeling extra motivated. I am starting to see there is life beyond where I am. I don't have to stay in then"down trodden single mother" lane. The only way I will stay there is if I want to.

Can we talk about these insane dreams I have been having? Last night I dreamt of William from the show "Girlfriends." He was my boo y'all lol. You know what was different about this dream is that intimacy, not sex was the focus. Subconsciancially that is what I have been craving. I like orgasms as much as the next woman, but I am craving thag feeling of a man's arms around me, soft kisses in my most softest places, sex but with a connection.....then way it should be. That is why I'll be practicing abstinence for a while. I don't want a man who can just make my hello kitty feel good, I want to walk way knowing that our moment of intimacy meant something on both sides. It's hard but you can't put a price on dignity.

Time to unwind, it's been a trying week but God is keeping me. xoxoxo and stay blessed!

One Hit Away

Things have been pretty cool over here in the wild world of Miss Page. I'm not going to regale y'all with the awesomess that is J, but I will say this: if hope that he's the one, if not he is the prototype. Ladies, after years of chasing men that didn't care about me it's nice having someone in my life that cares. He doesn't want anything from me, just me. Ba da ba ba I'm loving it.

Working in an office with women is the epitome of drama. There are alliances and gossip galore. I stay out of it because if there is anything I have learned in my 16 years of working is to stay above all the drama. My supervisor is amazing though. I knew we were gonna click because she is a single mother like myself. She understands my struggle. She didn't throw shade when I took a little time out to get some things straigthened out with my the payments for my daughter's afterschool program tuition. She doesn't fuss about my internet usage during downtime because she knows that I know how to manage myntime and I get my work done. After coming off of employment with the City, that is refreshing.

While I was writing this blog, my daughter came in my room informing me there are some boys in her class that are not so nice. My advice I gave her came directly from Ru Paul. "People's opinions of you are none of your business. That's their baggage. Love who you are an OWN IT! I'm just happy she felt comfortable talking to me. That lets me know that she knows that she can.

It's time for me to turn in......a girl needs her beauty rest! xoxoxo

I Feel Good All Over

This has been a really wonderful week for me. I know I sound like some old softie, but J has really been keeping a smile on my face. He's very attentive and I like that. I mentioned that I was going to run the Rock and Roll marathon in Miami, and within 30 minutes he had picked a flight, hotel, and car. Talk about a man taking control....and he made sure that everything that was picked was quality. I think I'm liking the passenger seat, lol.

I am going for my Cisco certification in May and I am excited as hell. My mom is supporting me by watching my kids so I can really focus on my studies. I will also start

my adderall regimen so I can stay focused in class and really absorb what is being said.

Hi my name is Victoria and I am a runner. Running is like crack to me. It has replaced my love of wedding cake ice cream. I have solved my dilemma on where to run on the weekends. The local high school has a track and I am going to get some running in on Mondays and Thursdays. The rest of the week I am going to be in the gym. I want my body to be a beast by summer.

Things seem to be looking up for me. Is life a picnic everyday? No, but I am learning to find the beauty and humor in each negative so it turns into a positive..I had fun bowling with some new friends and I'm looking forward to church in the morning! xoxoxoxo