Tuesday, February 14, 2012

2008 and Heartbreak

A lot of people who have not known me long, always ask me what happened in 2008 that was so major. What should have been major would have been me marrying a man I'll call the Good Reverend Doctor. Rev was a young man I met at church. He was our pianist and choir director and boy, could he SANG! He preached just as well too. He was a gentleman and he treated me like gold. We got engaged and planned for an April 2008 wedding. We planned one of the biggest weddings ever. There was a 24 person wedding party, just big. Long story short, in March 2008, Rev sat me down and told me that not only did he not want to get married anymore, he didn't want a relationship neither. Words cannot express what I felt that day. Over the next seven months I spun into a horrible depression that included three failed suicide attempts. I remember the first attempt I took 15 xanax (I googled how many it would take) and I remember wanting to cry when I woke up the next morning. I kept wondering why I was not successful in my attempts. I now know why. God had something greater for me that I couldn't even imagine. One year later I gave birth to the baby we all know as Chunky. Just imagine if I was successful in my attempts.....Chunky would not be here. I remember the night after Chunky was born I remember looking into at his little serious face and thanking God I was alive for this moment. Every milestone that passes for both of my children I'm just happy to be there. So after that year of heartbreak I vowed that I would NEVER sit silent on the issue of suicide. I don't care if people thinks it's a depressing subject, that shit is real. I never in a million years thought I would ever be in a space where I would consider taking my own life but I was and if I can help one person realize that the sun REALLY will come out tomorrow, then I'll be happy. So, I can never be angry with Rev. If that day in March never happened, I would have never met the ex-husband and I would have never had Chunky.

So today was Valentines day! Last year I had not nary a valentine and this year.....I do, I do, I do, I do! Since I saw J over the weekend that is when we celebrated, but we still talked today and I am not gonna lie, that man makes Miss Page happy. A happy I haven't felt in minute. With J I know that I am enough. He's not trying to "fix" me and I am not trying to "fix" him. All the things that make him who he is, I adore. Him going running with me on Saturday meant a lot to me because most men I have dated have not taken the time to get to know me. Sure they would hear me but they weren't listening. I feel like J listens.

Well now that I have spilled all the tea, I'm going to indulge in the ratchetness that is Lenethia and Marlo. xoxoxox

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Testimony to the grace of God! My heart was racing as I was reading. You are one strong lady and I am glad your attempts were unsuccessful! Your testimony is needed....

    Happy Valentine's Day!